I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

[LocoMoko]

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

Oh the Bertillons. Phillipe and Marie Claude. 😂Madame Bertillon spent a lot of time at the Charcuterie I seem to remember

I slept with one of my A level tutors when in college. He was 28 and I was 19. I later found out he had been out holding hands with another student as she told me in the toilets at an end of term drinks night. No doubt he was sleeping with loads of the young girls. I later got in touch with him on Facebook 10yrs later and we chatted a bit. I didn’t ever see it as him being a predator or anything, but I wouldn’t be impressed if it was my daughter and her tutor. This was 25yrs ago plus so things were a bit different but we both knew the college couldn’t find out and sneaked around a bit (went for a drink miles away!).

I had a LTR with one of my teachers which started in sixth form. We aren't together now and never married or had kids, but we did live together and were together for years.

The older I get the worse my perception of the whole relationship is. He was only 14 years older than me, so not decades and decades, but he was a legitimate adult while I was doing homework and my mum was cooking my tea every night.

I'm also a teacher now myself, and I cannot imagine- not in ten million years- ever starting up even a friendship with a pupil or former pupil. Randomly my sister has become friends with a girl I used to teach through a hobby group- she was in year 10 when I was an NQT, so only around a seven year difference between us- but I even feel uncomfortable having a drink with her in a group situation in a pub. It's weird. Even after many years (I taught her about 15yrs ago) I still have the upper hand with her, she very clearly defers to my opinion and things like that in conversations... that teacher/pupil relationship runs deep. Looking back, I was very much still the "pupil" in my relationship with my ex-teacher, even when we lived together. He would talk to me like I was a kid and he took the lead on everything and I let him... why wouldn't I, our relationship was forged while he was in loco parentis, he was the "grown up" even when I was in my late twenties and in a profession a career and I looked up to him in the same way I do to my parents.

I guess if you've had a lengthy and happy marriage and you feel that he is a good man who simply fell in love in unfortunate circumstances that's fine. But I do question the judgement of any teacher who starts a relationship with a pupil or former pupil. The power imbalance is hard to shift to something more equitable, even after many years.

How do you think you were at that age? I had something similar at 17 but I was a very sensible 17 probably older than my years due to life experience. I was never really like my peers and their behaviour even at that age annoyed me.

I must admit that I have questioned it since but I was most certainly a willing participant and did my bit in making it happen.

He has been happily married for 25 years since and has taught in the same school as his wife for most of that time which would be an odd choice for someone with predatory behaviour. I think we had a genuine connection (and an age gap less than I've had in other relationships) but that it's a good job it was pre mobile phones or it could have got messy and more complicated.

You’re correct, I should have stuck to the ages referred to it’s just the argument that it’s just three years incenses me as it’s used to justify a man with a child. But it’s young girls so it’s deemed ok, it’s been going on forever and even now people try to make excuses for it. In my line of work I see that there are young men out there 20 and younger who are specifically looking to groom girls that are 14, 15 years of age and saying it’s only three, four, five years doesn’t change what it is.
My friend was 13 when she was going out with a 19 year old, she would have told everyone at that time that she loved him and that she didn’t do anything that she didn’t want to do. As an adult she now sees it completely differently, she was a child that was manipulated, impressed with the car, the gifts, the affection and attention but he was a man and she was a child and even if she threw herself at him he should stop anything happening.
But this isn’t what the OP was about. I think she’s right to ask herself the questions that she’s asking and some long overdue conversations need to be had about he views the events from 30 years ago now. If it is a genuine post.

My friend from school got together with her now husband when she was 15. He’s 18 years older than her.

It was wierd then. Still wierd now. But he’s totally isolated her from pretty much anyone her own age.

Its not paedophilic to have sex with someone who's 18. But hey, don't go letting facts get in the way of you posting!

I don't know why people are questioning why OP is questioning this now. With age comes experience and knowledge. I was in my 40s before I recognised a lot of my teenage 'relationships' as abuse, rape even. Until then I really hadn't seen it. Looking in its very easy for others but when you are living it the understanding isn't the same.

OP. Now that would be regarded as grooming. I understand your feelings. When I was at school some stuff went on between teachers and 6th formers and everyone knew. Ultimately it’s usually exploitative because of the power balance. You must be a simile age to me and I’ve been pondering my 6th form past and the behaviour of those teachers. You’ve been together a long time though. Is the relationship good?

@SwedishDeathClearance I know it’s a serious topic, but that response made me giggle a lot.

Well its far from ideal. However, you've been with the man ten years, so you're the best to judge whether he was an exceptionally immature 28 year old, who has with time developed a healthier more principled outlook; or whether it was a huge red flag about his long term character.
How are things now? Have you shaken off the age gap/teacher pupil power dynamic, or does he infantalise and control you? Does he still have an interest in very young women?

It's normal for this sort of gap before reflection. In fact it is often only during or after menopause that women reflect on their teenage years and how they were treated.

OP, my opinion is unfashionable: our judgement has swung too far in the opposite direction, so that now any age gap is seen as distasteful, any relationship where there is a power imbalance is seen as suspicious. But of course they're not. They are natural and normal and commonplace, and have been so since the beginning of time. Young women are often attracted to power. Men are often attracted to younger women. As long as it is wholly mutual and there is no abuse and manipulation, it's fine.

We lived then in a time when age gaps and romance with underage (not saying you were) girls was applauded. There was no safeguarding. So your husband wasn't in an environment where his attraction to you was frowned on or would have led to his dismissal. Abuse of a minor is appalling in any circumstances, but it sounds as though he waited until you left school, you were eighteen, a legal adult - two year past the age of consent. And you found him attractive too. Truly, ask yourself if there is any harm in that?

The way we judge it today ignores the fact that teenage girls have desire and sexual drive. It's as though they are all passive vessels. We all know that when we were in our teens our physical and emotional and sexual desire for men was strong and independent. If you liked him and he liked you and you were an adult who'd left school, how is that a problem?

It's a bit late in the day to be worrying about it don't you think? Bear in mind that attitudes were really very different 30 years ago too.

Is there something in particular that's sparked this train of thought off?

Late 80s:

My male high school art teacher was married to a former student he'd met at my school and it was common knowledge. It weirded us out because he was creepy as hell, but not because he was the teacher! Also he was fifties and she was 20s at the time I was at the school.

Then one of the maths teachers in his late 20s married one of the sixth formers as soon as she left the school. Didn't seem weird at the time necessarily but now with older eyes and kids of my own it's very inappropriate at best.

Still, 30 years on I'd say your relationship has stood the test of time and you should get over yourself!

I also know of a case from nearly 30 years ago. Everyone knew it wasn't really allowed and all the young people lied to adults about it to cover for them.

Or maybe the OP hasn’t come back because she’s saying that she’s feeling uncomfortable about her marriage and is realising that perhaps her husband groomed her as a child and she has been ridiculed and people think it’s the sort of thing to crack hilarious jokes about.

I don’t understand why people are so convinced this is made up. It’s hardly a unique situation and it is incredibly common for people who have been groomed to have a moment where they realise that the narrative they have told themselves for years about the relationship doesn’t actually ring true. It sounds really tough for the OP. It can’t be pleasant to realise that your husband of 30 years actually groomed and took advantage of you.

And we need to stop seeing longevity as a sign of “success” for relationships. Grooming isn’t OK just because it’s followed by a long marriage. Adults who groom children don’t make it all ok just because they get married once the child becomes an adult. Child grooming victims should not be told to get over themselves for being upset or uncomfortable with what happened to them.

I know OP asked, but I’m shocked that anyone thinks it’s appropriate to tell her she’s being silly.

You articulated in your first paragraph @RoseRobot why it's a problem. Because it's not until later in life that women understand how they were treated and what this says about the person who treated them that way.
Its not surprising at all that an 18 year old would lack the life experience and awareness to see this for what it was: An older man abusing his position of authority to gratify his sexual desire for a school girl.
The decade this took place in and the laxity of care thst enabled men like him to get away with it then is not an extenuating factor.
As a mature woman, (for most of us at least) it becomes all too clear. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Indeed, @Takoneko , or to equate it with adult age gap relationships. This man was a teacher, with power, status and responsibility. Instead of doing his best for academic outcomes and progress, he saw a sexual opportunity with a teenage girl in his care. She may have been bright, "willing", thinking about adult relationships, but he should never have crossed that line, even the most confident teenagers are vulnerable and open to manipulation. I've seen yr12 and 13 girls get a bit silly and attention seeking with certain male staff. They respond professionally and neutrally, no banter, no eye contact, no chance for any misconstruction or misunderstanding. They choose not to go down that path. Monsieur did not make that path. Voila.

Good points, @5128gap .

Reading

Thinking back as a schoolgirl you were thought odd if you dated a boy was younger or even in the same school year - had to be at least two years older. At 14 my friend was seeing my 15 year old "boy friends" older brother who was 19 - only five years difference but not good.

Is it perhaps that you are questioning the maturity of a fully grown man that wants to date a teenager? It’s not unusual for a man to be attracted to a schoolgirl,but quite a different thing to set up home with them and to have a relationship as adults and equals.
Whilst girls do mature earlier than boys ,at 18 (unless you’re very grown up for your years ) you’re still pretty immature and I’d query that outside of the bedroom, how fulfilling would it be.
Most full grown ,intelligent men would soon find communication with a kid boring or hard work and certainly embarrassing in front of his peers.
I would think the bloke insecure or lacking in emotional maturity that he cannot have a fully adult relationship with a woman his own age,perhaps he needs the adulation that comes with a teenage crush.
Are you seeing him look,speak to pupils the way he did with you ? Or perhaps you’ve finally outgrown him. When I look at the bloke I dated as a teenager,I would now find him immature and frankly creepy.I grew up but he didn’t.

Agreed. As a 6th former in the mid-90s, I knew of 3 relationships at my school that were going on between 6th formers and teachers. I was asked out by a teacher (ewww!), harassed by another one (reported him to the school and many years later, to the police), a 17 year old friend had a relationship with her 40-something guitar teacher, and I knew of similar things in other schools - at least 3 teachers married to ex-pupils. It was all a very open secret and although it wasn’t acceptable, times were certainly MUCH more permissive.

Is it possible that you associate one feature (student - teacher) with the relationship not working out as well as you might like it?

The latter is quite frequent but in order to find a reason you connect it to something that happened 30 years ago.

Out of the millions of events and forces that produce a feeling about a 30 years relationship we focus on one piece of information.