I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

[LocoMoko]

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

I think that's actually really hurtful and massively overstepping.
A small age gap between teens who then go on to remain together into adulthood is hardly sinister. He's just three years older. I think you were unkind and judgmental to your friend to bring this up.
I do however, have a friend who has been with her 'partner' since she was 11 and he was early twenties, that is fucked up.

"Professional boundaries extend beyond the school"... what the? Once people are adults, it is free will. I met my husband / college TA years after graduation, we fell in love and married, and have been together for decades. If anyone thinks my entire adult life is "unethical" or disgusting, they can kindly eff off.

Totally agree that it was overstepping and unnecessary. If she was 14 and he was 20. Yes, that's bad. At 17 legally that boy is still a child, in many countries. They are childhood sweethearts. Bringing in the age gap discourse for a 3 year difference when both were in school? So hurtful.

You can be groomed for decades op - grooming doesn't stop when you get into a relationship. If you were groomed into a relationship, the grooming has to continue as long as the relationship does. And a long standing relationship doesn't mean you haven't been groomed.

Obviously, something has shifted and you're realising something you didn't before, and your feelings about that are making you feel weird. I'm guessing it's because your children are at/approaching the age you were then, and you're seeing how naive and how little agency they would have in a similar situation.

You don't need to get over yourself, but you probably you do need to talk to someone about what's going on and why you feel as you do. It's not a good idea to bury feelings.

It was completely inappropriate your partner was in a position of authority/power and waited til you were just of age to get together with you, it's no different to grooming and considering you work in safeguarding you should absolutely know this!

When I was 22, I got together with a man in my office who was 48. He charmed the pants off me, literally. We lived together for 5 years. Now looking back I feel quite disgusted, I was smitten with him and if anything I probably pursued the relationship, but I feel he should have known better and not encouraged it. Maybe you're feeling similar.

I met my husband / college TA years after graduation

Which is completely different from a teacher who had an ‘emotional connection’ getting into a relationship with a pupil who has just left school…

It's very very common for it to take decades to reflect on something like this. Perhaps, as others have suggested, it is also linked to the age of your children?

You might benefit from talking things through with someone - a few counselling sessions where you can just explore your feelings. You don't have to be deeply traumatized or anything like that for counselling to be a useful approach.

It's also possible that this is part of a re evaluation of your relationship. We often see events differently when our feelings for a person have already changed.

Similarly but not as bad, at 22 I dated my professor. At the time it seemed such a feather in my cap, but now, I’m the same age as he was at the time, I feel very differently.

I would never be attracted to someone that age, and would never go out with someone with such a power imbalance.

yes feeling gross about it isn’t surprising at all to me as I age I look at old experiences from the vantage point of middle age. (Late thirties)

It was the olden days.
I know of several marriages that resulted from teachers and exstudents deciding to go out.
The marriages have mostly been very successful and with equal value given to each partner.
It's a bit like Doctors marrying nurses and marrying the manager from work. Backthen if you were both adults and treated each other with respect then it was barely questioned.

I can see how these modern times have more boundaries so you would be reflective.
Would you marry the sameman again?
Do you feel bullied?
Do you feel that you have been allowed an equal say in decision making, creativity and finances as your friends?

Back in the 90s we were watching Friends and chuckling over Ross dating his student

Since then we've had metoo and a lot of people being exposed as predators

There's a massive amount of press coverage rn on an apparently'unwise but not illegal' relationship with a huge power imbalance and I think a lot suspect there's more to that story to come out

I don't think it's wierd that as culturally our attitudes have shifted to acknowledging the harm can be done by some relationships with people in positions of power and influence over us as young people... you're now questioning back on how appropriate your own is

Is it weird because your feelings for him have naturally subsided, or is it because of recent media cases or is it because of the ages of your own children? Or a combination of all three?

Exactly.

A ten year age gap = not a big deal.

A teacher of 27/28 forming an “emotional attachment” to a student and getting together with them right after A Levels = ICK. And, these days, he would lose his job.

OP - only you know why this is bothering you now. What’s happening/happening? Are your children a similar age you were when you and your H got together perhaps? That would make it feel v weird.

He's just three years older

but it is sinister when it’s a 14 and a 17 year old. But as you deem that acceptable what about 13 and 16, or 12 and 15? Some 14 year olds are sexually active, would it be less fucked up if your friend was with a 14 year old at 11? You can’t try and normalise this behaviour by saying that it’s only three years as the ages do matter.

Why weird?

I know a married couple with grown up children.

They met at a school. She's 19 years older than him.

Relationship wasn't at school they met each other after he left (he was 19) at a group for both their interests which is how they'd got chatting when she was teacher and him student.

They've been married nearly 40 years!

No one can help who they fall in love with. What needs to be helped is the timing of when you start a relationship.

I can't see why a 50 year old and a 60 year old who have been married for 30 years seems weird now.

Though if it had been your drama teacher, perhaps a bit different.

I suspect it’s because we’re all far more aware of grooming and child safeguarding now.

Whilst 10 years may not be an uncommon age gap, there was clearly a huge power imbalance in this instance because one was a teacher and the other a pupil.

I suspect if the OP had a daughter at school who was in a relationship with her teacher she would have serious concerns. As would most people.

You win 😅👏🏼

It isn't so much the age gap, it's the fact he was the OPs teacher.

He was in a position of trust, there is a power imbalance, I think it is a bit ick.

My best friend at school started having sex with our teacher when she was 16 ( he was 42, married with kids). He continued to be her teacher until she was 18. She left school and they married, went on to have 2 children of their own.
Staff at the school seemed to turn a blind eye. He was a guidance teacher too, supposed to give personal and pastoral support to pupils.

It was all very unsavoury.

Do you think really that Macron and his wife are the only examples out there? There was a thread I was on just the other day where people asked how common it was at the school you went to for teachers to have sexual relationships with students. It is and was really common. Even now there was a teacher in my own DCs school who was sacked last term for having sex with a student in his own office. It is incredibly usual for people who have a sexual interest in children to seek out professions that put them in the path of children.

I think the OP is now realising that she may have been groomed and it is worrying to her. It often takes decades for people to realise that something odd has happened. I only realised very rceently that my first sexual experience was actually rape. That was 27 years ago. It has literally taken me all that time to sort of understand within myself that rape is what it was. Even though I work in safeguarding and child protection!

^ Exactly.

Though I am getting strong vibes that the OP hasn’t realised this means she’s now 50.

This. I'm a similar age, and it happened. Was definitely gossiped about, and seen as a bit creepy, but in no way regarded the way it is today.

A girl I was at Art college with was 17 and married to a 40 year old man. So an age gap of 23 years, a much bigger age gap than yours. He wasn’t a lecturer or a teacher. He owned a newspaper recycling type plant.
This was 1968. Thinking about it now I can’t think why her parents allowed it.
With hindsight he was controlling, he brought her to college, turned up at lunchtime and when college finished for the day. They were still together ten years later but I don’t know what happened after that.

12 and 15, 14 and 11 - what are these numbers? Why'd anyone deliberately think about this? Why'd you even ask others this question?

If it were up to me, nobody would have sex with anyone until their mind and body are mature, and they know what they want from sexual partners. But that's not going to happen, is it? Technically 14 yr olds are not supposed to have sex at all. But a lot of women do begin their sexual experiment at this age. Even in repressed countries/cultures this happens (as I can attest to this).

Hormonal teens are going to do what they want. Some of them get attracted to their classmates, some to the seniors in their school. What do you think is the right age gap for people have sex - they need to be born in the same year, otherwise it is all sinister? It's a safe idea, good intentions but not very practical. You can't order people to be attracted or fall in love only with same aged peers.

And pls don't ask about 11 and 14 year old etc. Your friend was 14 when she met her 17 yr partner. Let's stick to that ages while having this discussion, and not hyperbole to pre pubscent kids.

Definitely unsavory! And that guy is a creep.