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Original poster

I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

232 replies

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:42

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 28/05/2023 21:59

It's taken 30 years to realise?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/05/2023 21:59

3luckystars · 28/05/2023 21:57

Mad question but are your children now around the age you were when you got together?

I was going to ask this. My Dd is now a teenager and I am suddenly seeing things from my teenage years very differently.

It is also worth noting that the law has changed in the last 30 years and had it happened now your husband almost certainly committed a crime. But it wasn’t against the law then. Not sure you should judge actions of the past based on current laws. (Agree it is a complete head fuck though!)

ArdeteiMasazxu · 28/05/2023 22:00

He is a safeguarding risk. He took advantage. Assuming most charitably to him that he wasn't a deliberate predator sharking for a teen to impress (which would be a more obvious red light) but that he was the pursued rather than pursuer - It's not unusual for pubescent girls to be starstruck by a teacher who pays them attention. Every vaguely decent-looking male teacher gets this a few times during their career and what a trustworthy person does is back right out of there lightning-fast, diffuse the situation and make sure that nothing happens. Absolute minimum if there was to be any relationship would be that the student should go off to university and have some relationships with their own age group for at least a few years, without any ongoing contact, before exploring whether it was any more than an infatuation. He utterly failed to behave decently in this.

And given that failure I wouldn't be trusting him around vulnerable teenage girls now, either.

SureJanSure · 28/05/2023 22:00

Do I need to get over myself?

Well yeah...

If not what do you want to do? What's done is done.

ICMB · 28/05/2023 22:01

When I met my son’s father, I was 21 and he was 40. What’s wrong to me (just personal opinion) is the teacher student dynamic. Kind of gross to imagine a teacher thinking of his teenage student like that. But then again I don’t see why you’re suddenly thinking of this now 😂 anyway, older men all the way!

Christmascracker0 · 28/05/2023 22:01

readbooksdrinktea · 28/05/2023 21:57

Yeah. What has happened that you're suddenly weirded out? Something must have, otherwise it's strange.

Show quote history

I’m assuming the Schofe drama has brought it to the forefront of OPs mind..?

SwedishDeathClearance · 28/05/2023 22:02

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/05/2023 21:59

I was going to ask this. My Dd is now a teenager and I am suddenly seeing things from my teenage years very differently.

It is also worth noting that the law has changed in the last 30 years and had it happened now your husband almost certainly committed a crime. But it wasn’t against the law then. Not sure you should judge actions of the past based on current laws. (Agree it is a complete head fuck though!)

Show quote history

I disagree.
In the 80s it was not unusual in the 1990s it was very much not allowed and was part of initial teach training
I recall a massive scandal in the early 2000s regarding a case from the late 80s and the teacher lost their job.

Valour · 28/05/2023 22:03

I've experienced the same as you OP. It was a bigger gap, and until I was about 30 I kept thinking age gaps mean nothing, I was very mature for my age etc. I think something clicked as our children approached the age I was when I met him, and I felt like the scales fell from my eyes. No matter which way I looked at it, he was creepy and a bit predatory and knew how to manipulate a young girl. He was definitely in a father role in our relationship- It wasn't healthy.

There were many reasons why I left him, but I think that the fact that he'd fallen for a teenager (me) when he was much older said a lot about who he was.

LizzieSiddal · 28/05/2023 22:04

You’re getting some very odd responses here OP. It often takes years to realise something odd may have happened years ago. I’d suggest you get some counselling so you can talk to a professional about it all.

thatsn0tmyname · 28/05/2023 22:07

Are you seeing your young relationship through your teenage childrens eyes? Would you approve if they did the same? Is that where the 'weird' is coming from?

RhosynBach · 28/05/2023 22:10

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 28/05/2023 21:50

Do you still call him Monsieur?

😂😂

HaggisFace · 28/05/2023 22:11

I've only this week admitted out loud that something has changed in my views on my relationship with ExH (17 year age gap I was a teenager he was in his 30s).

I think it's because I am now in my mid 30s, still younger than he was but approaching the age. I would never be interested in someone as young as I was, it's weird to me.

I say this having previously posted in defence of age gaps. My stance has done a complete 180.

7eleven · 28/05/2023 22:11

ArdeteiMasazxu · 28/05/2023 22:00

He is a safeguarding risk. He took advantage. Assuming most charitably to him that he wasn't a deliberate predator sharking for a teen to impress (which would be a more obvious red light) but that he was the pursued rather than pursuer - It's not unusual for pubescent girls to be starstruck by a teacher who pays them attention. Every vaguely decent-looking male teacher gets this a few times during their career and what a trustworthy person does is back right out of there lightning-fast, diffuse the situation and make sure that nothing happens. Absolute minimum if there was to be any relationship would be that the student should go off to university and have some relationships with their own age group for at least a few years, without any ongoing contact, before exploring whether it was any more than an infatuation. He utterly failed to behave decently in this.

And given that failure I wouldn't be trusting him around vulnerable teenage girls now, either.

Good grief. That’s quite a leap.

Rupiduti · 28/05/2023 22:13

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:47

Not quite sure why this is "BS"?! So I will ignore that.
Untoward? Uhm I'm genuinely not sure what you mean?! We weren't sleeping together until I'd taken my exams, but there was a definite emotional attachment.

I think they mean literally what they ask.

It is surely wrong to have had a connection with a teacher.

But it's done now, can't turn back time. I do think that someone who is attracted to their pupils should NOT be a teacher though ... is he still teaching ?

Watchinghurling · 28/05/2023 22:13

If this is real, then yes, your husband groomed you and acted completely inappropriately. If any of my colleagues did something like that, it would be reported and acted upon.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2023 22:14

Has something specifically happened to prompt you reviewing the early relationship, or have your children hit an age where you and DH met each other?

Sometimes passing life stages or events in our own/our children's lives prompts personal reflections on our own childhood and adolescence.

SlipSlidinAway · 28/05/2023 22:14

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 28/05/2023 21:50

Do you still call him Monsieur?

😂😂😂

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:16

I knew a sixth form teacher who went out with a pupil just as she left (I don’t think he taught her though - they met through DoE). She got a really hard time from her friends. They didn’t last long and then he did the same thing with another pupil. This was 30 years ago - times were very different back then.

darjeelingrose · 28/05/2023 22:17

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:16

I knew a sixth form teacher who went out with a pupil just as she left (I don’t think he taught her though - they met through DoE). She got a really hard time from her friends. They didn’t last long and then he did the same thing with another pupil. This was 30 years ago - times were very different back then.

No they weren't. It was 1993, not 1953, it was not ok in the 90s at all.

DamnAndDashIt · 28/05/2023 22:20

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:16

I knew a sixth form teacher who went out with a pupil just as she left (I don’t think he taught her though - they met through DoE). She got a really hard time from her friends. They didn’t last long and then he did the same thing with another pupil. This was 30 years ago - times were very different back then.

Wtf, it wasn't acceptable in the 90s at all.

I know of someone who got pregnant with a teacher in the early 80's, and it was a scandal back then, rightfully so.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/05/2023 22:20

SwedishDeathClearance · 28/05/2023 22:02

I disagree.
In the 80s it was not unusual in the 1990s it was very much not allowed and was part of initial teach training
I recall a massive scandal in the early 2000s regarding a case from the late 80s and the teacher lost their job.

Show quote history

But I don’t think it was illegal in the 90s. If I remember correctly it only became a crime in the early 2000s.

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:21

Honesty, I know you think that but amongst my peer group (of teens) it was acceptable, it was late 80s/early 90s.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 28/05/2023 22:21

Married for decades, and now it seems weird?

Je m'appelle!
J'habite a La Rochelle!

Mon Dieu!

So why are you going off him now, is he old and gnarly? Peut etre un petit problem avec le pipi!?
Je ne sais pas.
Une questionne.

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:22

What I meant is - these girls weren’t actually students at the time, they’d left school. I’m not in any way condoning teacher-student relationships!!

WibblyWobblyLane · 28/05/2023 22:22

In all fairness, I know of a deputy head thing his mid 30s who dated a 16 year old, fresh out of school, ex pupil. She was pregnant by age 17 and nothing happened, he's still the deputy head there. So I'm not sure if in this day and age, it's being overlooked, it would have been taken seriously in the 80s.

But how are you feeling about it? Do you feel like you were groomed? Do you have regrets? Or are you just looking at it from the PoV of a modern day parent?