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Original poster

I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

232 replies

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:42

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 28/05/2023 22:46

I can understand working something like this through years later.

Obviously he behaved inappropriately. It's not at all appropriate for a teacher to form a "bond" with a schoolchild and start dating them after their exams. You clearly know that.

But, just as you are a different person to the child this happened to, he is probably quite a different person to the adult who did this. I do think you maybe need to have a talk about it, though. It might be that he also feels comfortable about it having happened.

TallerThanAverage · 28/05/2023 22:46

FabFitFifties · 28/05/2023 22:24

2 teachers at my school, in the early 80's had affairs with 6 formers, and married them. One male and one female. No one got into trouble.

That just means that they were let down. They were adults who were in a position of responsibility which they abused and even if the VI formers made the first move the teachers were adults who should have sufficient self control to quash it.

OP if you had finished school and was an adult then it wouldn’t be illegal.

Forshameandyegads · 28/05/2023 22:46

Flippin' heck, I've just looked up the teacher I mentioned earlier and he's the deputy head now!

fairywhale · 28/05/2023 22:47

Sorry he's a pervert.

Newspeaker · 28/05/2023 22:48

I just Google’d and the age of consent for girls was raised to 16 in 1885. I couldn’t understand all these comments about things being different “then”. I was in the 6th form in the 70’s and we certainly knew the law on that, and that it wasn’t ok for teachers to have relationships with their pupils. Then, as now, it happened of course.

Tiredalwaystired · 28/05/2023 22:48

I’m amazed that there are so many posters querying why you’re thinking about this now. This isn’t that different the the Schofield story, so of course it makes sense to revisit it when all you see is bile about what is a parallel situation. If it was me, I would also be reassessing what my relationship was or is.

I also think there are a lot of very unkind posters here who are making light of this. You’re clearly having challenging thoughts.

I don’t have an answer for you OP. On paper it doesn’t look great but 30 years of a successful relationship is no mean feat. It depends if it has always been based on an imbalance of power.

we had two married teachers at our school and she has previously been his pupil. At that same school. Although I believe the relationship started after she left. This was in the 80s so clearly attitudes have changed a lot since then. I can’t imagine two teachers being employed in the same place in that scenario these days.

TallerThanAverage · 28/05/2023 22:48

TallerThanAverage · 28/05/2023 22:46

That just means that they were let down. They were adults who were in a position of responsibility which they abused and even if the VI formers made the first move the teachers were adults who should have sufficient self control to quash it.

OP if you had finished school and was an adult then it wouldn’t be illegal.

Show quote history

However if you were still in VI form he also abused his position.

kerryno · 28/05/2023 22:48

I know of a deputy head thing his mid 30s who dated a 16 year old, fresh out of school, ex pupil.

that's so wrong!

Madcats · 28/05/2023 22:48

Oddly enough, in the early 80's I was also at school with a girl who had a crush on the DofE teacher (who happened to be a Biology teacher but i can't remember whether that was compulsory for O levels). She married him. He was definitely married, with at least one child because they trashed an essay I wrote (small teeth, anyway).

There was a DofE room (looking back there was no real reason why it needed more than a filing cabinet).

Safeguarding arrived for a reason.

HelloThereChatGBT · 28/05/2023 22:50

It’s weird now because with the wisdom of age you can look back and see that the power balance was off at the start of your relationship, and it’s a bit odd that a teacher would have any chemistry with a student let alone one ten years younger. It’s icky.

Polkadottyas · 28/05/2023 22:52

Forshameandyegads · 28/05/2023 22:33

Late '90s, music teacher cheated on his geography teacher fiancé with a 6th former. They married shortly after she did her A levels. They're still married I think. And he's still a teacher.

I was going to post similar - wonder if it's the same couple...

Hamfish · 28/05/2023 22:52

@Neodymium she probably ignored you because it’s not statutory rape and you don’t know what you’re talking about

op - yeah if this is real sounds hella creepy for a 30yr old teacher to fancy an 18yr old pupil.

Maireas · 28/05/2023 22:53

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:55

Because it’s similar ages.

Show quote history

It's not the age that's the issue.

OCarumba · 28/05/2023 22:53

SeatonCarew · 28/05/2023 22:30

"...And now it feels..."

I thought you were going to say, "like every day's a school day".

👨‍🎓

😂

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 22:53

IDK if it would legally 'count' nowadays if you'd left school, but of course in more recent years, abuses of power have been recognised and so a relationship between a teacher/tutor and their charge is illegal if under 18 rather than the normal age of consent of 16.

I can certainly understand why you feel odd about it as you gain more awareness @LocoMoko and especially as you work in the field and will have learned more about it.

Now I'm in my mid 40s, I look back on my past relationships and can see issues with some of the relationships I had with older men, for sure, even under ten years older as their levels of life experience were so different.

Maireas · 28/05/2023 22:55

Is he still a teacher?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/05/2023 23:00

It wasn't illegal until this century for a teacher to have a relationship with a student over the age of 16, so he wasn't doing anything legally wrong. Morally though the amendment to the law is there for a reason.

NotMyMill · 28/05/2023 23:03

Ginger1982 · 28/05/2023 21:57

Well, it's inappropriate for a teacher to enter into a sexual relationship with a pupil, even if that pupil has 'just' left school. Professional boundaries extend beyond the pupil leaving school. It's an abuse of trust and an imbalance of power. How would you feel if your child ended up in this kind of relationship?

But, 30 years on, I wouldn't let this take over your life. I wouldn't be telling people how I met my husband though.

Same. This sums it up basically. I wouldn’t dream of getting with any of my students even though some of them are now in their late 20s! I was 23 working with kids aged 10-19 at one point and I wouldn’t have looked twice at the 19 year old boys. There was one who tried to hit on me and I had to explain why it was wrong. I worked with young adults in their early 20s when I was late 20s and again the age gap wasn’t massive but it would have felt icky to me because of the educator /student dynamic. I wouldn’t have been comfortable.

That said, it happened 30 years ago. What can you do now?

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 23:06

70s/ early 80s I guess at my secondary school, before I was there, the PE teacher got with and married a pupil. She must've been under 16 at first as the local school district investigated it. He was in his mid 20s or something at the time. The bloke who investigated it's wife was a friend of my mum's. She told me in later life that 'no one cared' that the perp did this (and implied that she thought that was right?)

Throwncrumbs · 28/05/2023 23:06

I can think of 5 girls that were dating teachers when I was at school in the mid 70’s, one married the teacher after he got divorced and she had left school, one actually used to pick the girl up from her house in his sports car in the mornings, no one seemed to bat an eyelid back then…feels really weird now, that no one did anything about this. Sort of Rita, Sue and Bib too vibes I suppose!

Hamfish · 28/05/2023 23:08

Sort of borderline paedophilia fucking awful men vibes I’d say

NotMyMill · 28/05/2023 23:08

In fact maybe therapy both individually and together might help you. It sounds like you’ve had a late realisation of the ethics around this. Might not be so easy to sweep under the carpet now.

I’m glad things like this aren’t the norm anymore.

RedToothBrush · 28/05/2023 23:08

kerryno · 28/05/2023 22:48

I know of a deputy head thing his mid 30s who dated a 16 year old, fresh out of school, ex pupil.

that's so wrong!

Our RE Teacher Deputy Head was even older. Late fourties maybe,

He married her.

Still together I believe.

Really not ok.

Youdoyoubabe · 28/05/2023 23:09

It is a weird one. I had a relationship with a college lecturer when I was 16 doing A'levels and he was in his 20s. At the time it seemed ok we kept it on the low down but quite a few people did know. A bit unusual and he did choose to leave the college in case word got out but he then moved to a college an hour away and the relationship petered out anyway.

What was normal 30 years ago would often be frowned upon now.

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 23:18

I think people are being a bit mean teasing you. I don't think you actually feel your relationship is weird, I think you've just never really thought about it and your professional life is highlighting things and making you reflect. You're wondering if you really were old enough to know what you we doing. You're thinking about these anonymous children that are groomed but then wonder if you were too. It's hard to remember accurately what it was like to be that age now you're a mature woman because you kinda think you've always been you.
My grandson is now 18. When I look at him I can't imagine him being a father but his mum, my daughter was 17 when she had him. It didn't seem so shocking at the time but it would be so odd for my grandson to be a parent. I also remember my first boyfriend who I loved. I did, as much as a teenager can but I had no idea of what love was.
Maybe when I'm 80 I'll think I knew nothing at 50. I think that's all that's happening.