I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

[tomcat73]

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

Use your time and space away to plan your departure. He's got you walking on eggshells and this doesn't improve. I had one like that. And yes, he's trying to spoil your trip.

Yes, this! Anything you did would have put you in the wrong. He just wants to spoil your holiday.

Take all relevant paperwork on holiday with you and email some solicitors while you're there. Get things sorted in these five days and go home ready to end it with him. He's abusive and you deserve so much better.

Agree my dp’s response would be “ok see you later, have a nice time.”

And I’ve never been spoken to by friends or family using personal insults like “your fucking face”. They’d know they wouldn’t see me again for dust. With any fall outs, you state you’re upset using reasonable words. You don’t call them names in a healthy respectful relationship.

You do need to leave him.

I fear you are actually married not to an adult man but to a very petulant, nasty little bully-boy, OP. I don't often pile in with the LTB comments, but on this occasion I think if I were you I would give very serious consideration to ending the relationship.

I would be utterly horrified if my DH ever spoke to me like that (as in "don't want to look at your fucking face"). Actually, I think I would say to him "I won't tolerate being spoken to/referred to in that horrible and disrespectful way. If that happens again, then I don't want to live with you any more. I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect - and if you're unwilling or unable to do that, then I don't want you near me any more."

That was a thing: after we had finally divorced, DS2 lived with him for a while and decided it would be kindest to stay with him for Christmas Day as otherwise his dad would be alone (his choice, he always said DS4 should spend Christmas at mine regardless of whose turn it was, and I did offer him a turn every year). I postponed Christmas dinner to Boxing Day so DS2 could come round and have it with us. Half way through dinner XH rang him and I could see DS2 getting distressed (he was technically adult but has always been a sensitive soul). His dad was insisting he come home to help him move the washing machine (?!) and saying that if he didn't come now, he could stay away forever and XH would get a lodger instead. I took the phone and told him in no uncertain terms that he had DS2's services yesterday, would have them later on today and tomorrow and for the foreseeable future, that there was NO WAY he was that desperate to move the washing machine at this time of this one day, and that we would all like to get on with our dinner now. Phone down. Job done. Felt good. Why couldn't I have done that 20 years earlier?

XH did try to get a lodger after DS moved out; I think it lasted around 2 weeks before the poor man ran away screaming (figuratively). His attempt to become a foster carer was fortunately unsuccessful before any actual children became involved.

Ive not read all the thread but my mother does very similar things to this.
You are constantly second guessing yourself and looking for imaginary ‘hazards’, which you will still succumb to no matter what and then have to pay for with arguments, nastiness, long silent treatments and questioning where you went wrong.

Their timing is everything - make sure you enjoy your holiday AND the build up to it x

Wow. He sounds like a narcissist and a big child.
needs to take his head out of his own arse imo…
so sorry you’re going through this.
sounds like he wants a very man above woman relationship and that’s just not for you.
i would ice him out lol enjoy my damn holiday and come back to a possible regretful husband? Or if he really is a hardcore narcissist he’ll continue to give you a hard time :(

Your post brought back memories of a similar situation with my ex years ago.
His decision not to go on holiday with me and DC. Agreed to provide transport to
airport but shortly before we were due to leave started to clean an electric heater and said he didn’t have time as he was busy. When we returned he refused to listen to DCs accounts of the holiday.
Actually that was the penultimate nail-in the coffin.
Dontgive him another thought OP. Have a lovely time.

Please don’t spend the rest of your life with this abusive self centred childish twat, enjoy your time away with your loved ones.

My ex husband started the bullying campaign on Thursdays with verbal abuse about my occasional Friday night out with friends. Called me a cheat and said I looked a cheap tart and my friends were slappers. He decided to start speaking to me again on the Sunday. This man is just like that.

@Longdarkcloud That's reprehensible. How did you get to the airport in time? Drive yourself?

I hope you're packed and on your way Op and doing your best to enjoy yourself. Your Husband doesn't deserve you and sadly doesn't really love you in my view. He "Adores" his wife but only the one who only wants to be with him and behaves exactly as he wants, the real you who has her own life and mind is the one whose "fucking face he doesn't want to see" .
Look ahead Op, do you want your DC to feel they have to accept a marriage like this? Do you want to spend your retirement chained to him and the house when you stop working?He won't change and your life will get smaller and smaller. Have a proper think about it while you're away, let yourself remember every time he's ruined things for you and made you feel bad for no good reason. Time for a change Op

Why a horrible man. He's probably trying to ruin your holiday for you so don't let it.

He's got form. He's an abuser.

And what does prolly mean? I've never heard the word.

Same. They'd only be seeing my face when necessary for drop offs etc.
Your dh is abusive. No way to be behaving around any age of dc. You deserve better. I hope you have the courage to LTB.

@TwilightBee I think you mean probably? So not wanting to fucking see op's face is ok too?

Well he sounds moody.
But you sound flaky.
You did agree to eat with him
and then got a better offer. (Of “nibbles”).
Do you do this sort of thing a lot?
You're probably better off separating as you both sound difficult tbh.

Wishing u all a good time

She got home half an hour after he finished work, and dinner was leftovers anyway. It hardly warrants calling her flaky. And no comment about her subsequent posts?

Laugh in his fucking face.

@tomcat73 please ignore the goady posters. They have no life poor things.

“Do you do this sort of thing a lot? “

FFS have a word with yourself for typing that sort of unnecessary shitty comment.

notice you didn’t question how many times the arsehole husband says he doesn’t want to look at her fucking face.

(hope you’re having a great holiday by now OP)

You both sound difficult.

Like fuck they do, unless being half an hour late home is being difficult, which I don't think it is. I'll eat nibbles whenever I like thanks.

@AngelasAirpods I see this a lot on here. Someone posts about a problem and someone replies to insinuate they're in the wrong and questions their whole character based on one comment or situation. It's not helpful and I don't understand it.