I'm shaking with anger, but husband thinks I am in the wrong

[tomcat73]

For context, I go on holiday tomorrow for 5 days with my parents and children. DH did not want to come on this holiday - his "idea of hell". I wanted to have a holiday with my parents whilst they are still in good health and we have a family hol in August also. We had a nice evening in together planned tonight. This afternoon DD asked me to pick her up from her boyfriends house, I was invited in for a drink and nibble (they were barbequing). DD boyfriend actually wasn't there - he was going out and left before I got there so I needed to get my daughter (he usually drops her back). I texted DH to let him know and that I was there and that I would be back the same time as he got in from work. I then texted a while back to say I was going to be 1/2 hour later than planned (6pm), and I had had some nibbles. That there was left over dinner in the fridge for him (we were always going to have that for dinner just heated in the microwave.) When I go home he wasn't there. I could see his bag...knew straight away that he would be in a strop (he has form). Texted him in a breezy way to ask where he was - no reply. He turned up hour and a half later. Said he had gone out as he didn't want to look at my "fucking face". That he had left work early to spend time with me (never let me know this - I sent the first text over an hour before he was due to leave work so he could have easily told me he was doing this). Then went on to make a big deal about not eating together on our last night ( it was always going to be heating up yesterdays leftovers) and that I had met his DD boyfriends parents without him (?? I've met them loads of times. He hasn't really as I am always popping things over there). I am sick of his childish behaviour and making a meal out of nothing. If the tables were turned I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But he has this controlling side to him quite often seems to be about how he expects me to "behave". Of course he thinks I am totally in the wrong and is not speaking to me now. All of this when we could have had a lovely evening together when I got home a 6pm!!! (not 8 or 9!) I know the next thing I will get is him being playing the wronged victim. I am literally shaking with anger at his manipulation yet again :(

I’d wait until you were about to leave and thanking him for ensuring that you don’t want to ever come back with this childish, controlling bullshit. I would suggest that he get himself a therapist, but I suspect that there is no point at all. Him telling you that he left work early, etc, is bullshit too. He decided to act like this to “punish” you for choosing to go away with your parents over staying home and turning into a cabbage at home with him. I’d suggest a therapist, but if I’m honest, I suspect this behaviour is too engrained and he is too entitled to ever admit fault. Your DH is a jerk @tomcat73

Have a lovely holiday realising what life could be like without him and how you don't need him.

The control and the put downs (including his comments about your holiday being his idea of hell) don't say he has any respect or love for you.

Seriously consider why you are with him

Yeah. PPs are all entirely correct, If you are walking on eggshells in a relationship, worrying about how the other person will react...........

There is not a good future for you.

Nip it in the bud. I would not put up with that, and neither would any other responders. You can do it alone. We will all be behind you xx

Someone posted a link to a quiz which indicates if you are I. An abusive relationship, I think if you took the quiz you'd realise that sadly, this is a a very unhealthy relationship

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/domestic-violence-quiz#resources

This is very sad as I am in the same situation.

Sounds like he uses "my wife" because he thinks you're his possession.

This is emotional abuse. Take the next 5 days to decide to leave him. Imagine being able to pop round to someone's house, and being able to stay half an hour later than planned and NOT have to worry about being punished for it.

I think saying he didn't want to look at your fucking face would be enough for me. A loving, good partner wouldn't say that, however angry they were.

Yes- OP- do the quiz- or get Googling on ‘controlling behaviour’, Gaslighting/ coercive behaviour etc. It’s amazing how these narcissists almost follow a script.
Enjoy the freedom on your holiday.
Good that you’ve got your parents - who I’m sure will support you.
I read/ heard a phrase recently that was a real eye opener for me..

‘ Love ( with a romantic partner) isn’t to do with how you feel about them… it’s how they make you feel.’

He obviously makes you feel like shit a lot of the time.

If you decide to leave - be prepared for either a bit of ‘love - bombing’ (‘ ooh- I didn’t mean it -you are my world ‘etc)
or the anger.. ( which is more of a reason to leave)
He has little / no respect for you.
My own realisation with my ex came when I realised my he actually enjoyed making me and my children feel like shit.
Arm yourself with some knowledge of abusive/ controlling behaviour and you’ll be prepared. He won’t change - and will inevitably get worse.
From now on - starting with your holiday- do things that you enjoy.
There is a way out - and a brighter future ahead.

You know that whatever you had done would have been wrong because he was spoiling for a fight: probably punishing you for going on holiday without him.
Are you going to keep living like this forever?

This post resonates so hard with me it’s made my stomach feel weird - because OP, despite the fact that I left my ex 5 years ago, the damage from being in this kind of relationship never truly goes away. I remember a night when I got home half an hour late and my ex had seemingly vanished - they’d randomly gone to the cinema at 11pm because ‘if I didn’t want to spend time together then neither did they.’ I had no autonomy, everything was framed as us spending time together, they just loved me so much, quality time is important, we’re the only thing that matters - when in reality, I lost friends and family because I never saw them, my anxiety was sky high, I couldn’t even pick up my phone when watching tv (always their choice of show) because I was interrupting time together.

That’s the tip of a very small iceberg, and everything about your post tells me you probably understand how I felt. I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. You’re worth more and you don’t need to put up with it, it’s not how relationships should be.

He sounds abusive

Just to add- a controlling/ narcissistic person - will make you feel a bit shit just before ( or during / just after ) a happy event .
They love to make any happy celebration feel crap ( party, wedding, holiday anything).
This is done on purpose. They don’t want you to be happy.

ironic that he lost his shit with you for being out but then he buggered off for 1.5 hours and that was okay.

I am joining in the chorus of LTB.

I thought it was bad enough when I read the bit about him refusing to come on holiday with you. Your family are his family, so you just do it don’t you?! However, reading the rest, you are correct that his behaviour is petulant and childish. You deserve better than being spoken to in this way. Not acceptable. Hope you are ok.

My dad used to do this exact thing, would refuse to come on holiday with us but would do something the day before to put my mother in a bad mood/upset her for the whole time we were away. It doesn't get better.
Being on holiday without him and his bullying was wonderful though, so go and have a lovely time and enjoy yourselves!!

He's a controlling, abusive arsehole. I was married to one who was very similar.
He would invent things to be angry about and spend days on end having a pathetic sulk. The day he finally moved out was one of the best days of my life.

Enjoy your holiday and reflect on things. Ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like: constantly worrying if you'd done something that he'd use as an excuse to behave like a cunt.

Hopefully, you'll see him for what he is and realise you deserve better.

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship to me OP, treading on eggshells isn’t anyway to live. Have a lovely holiday with your parents, it will give you some time to think things over. You don’t have to rush to do something, take your time to consider how you want your life to be, clearly things can’t carry on like this. Good luck going forward OP.

I agree with this.

Don't engage with this tantrum.

Absolutely whistle while you pack and wave him a cheery goodbye.

What an abusive controlling prick. What a misery he made out of nothing.

It must be exhausting to live with.

My FIL is like this. Must ruin everything to get the attention back where he thinks it belongs.

I don’t believe he left work early.

he’s a child.

don’t contact him whilst you’re away and have a serious think about how you want to live your life.

This!

This is very controlling behaviour all about making sure he is uppermost in your mind while you're away.

The best thing you can do is totally ignore it (and him) while you're away.

junebirthdaygirl Yesterday 20:19
He is doing this to ruin your holiday tomorrow..just in case you were getting excited about it. Actually sabotaging it so you go in a bad mood. Completely ignore him . Do not give him the satisfaction of discussing it. Turn on some music and sing to yourself as you go about the house packing. Let him sulk away. I hope you have a brilliant holiday.

This 👆

Hope you have left on holiday.
Be sure to have a great time.
I really doubt he came back early from work..he was just doing and saying anything to make you feel bad. He expected that because he wasn't going on the holiday, that you would not go either. He knows it is mean to expect that so he can't verbalise it and therefore is hiding behind being the victim.
This is only going to get worse.

Honestly, having been in one long term relationship where I couldn’t even have a shower in the evening without it being interpreted as me not wanting to spend time with him, and then a shorter term one where I had to give the exact time I’d be home and then provide frequent updates all evening… just leave him. And there is literally no point trying to reason with him or explain why he’s wrong, either. I am so, so much happier alone and I cannot see myself getting into another relationship aaaaany time soon. The relief of being in control of my own life, of the days being mine ahead of me to choose to plan how I wish, is so powerful.

He is purposely trying to spoil your holiday, as other posters have said. Gradually you will learn never to look forward to any special event. The pattern is always the same.
Or you can plan a new life. Good Luck.

my dad is like this with my mum he’d be exactly the same , I laughed because this would be his exact response. He’d want my mum at home waiting for him like some dog . He’d use this line that he wants to spend time with his wife as he thinks people are possessions that they can control . The trouble is my mum falls for it because she believes it’s because he loves her and yes I do believe he does but she can’t get her head around that he does manipulate her to control her .
she will come to see me 10 minutes walk and he’ll be ringing her I mean ffs if it was all afternoon but she’d barely been round a few minutes.
I’ve been nc with my dad for years because he can’t control me and he hates that . He wants people around him who never disagree and do what he wants and I’m not like that if I think your wrong I say so as he often is ,hence why we don’t speak .
unlike you op my mum wouldn’t go on holiday without him in the first place as he’d sulk she would never even think it so my advice is you are clearly a lot more independent than my mum and you are angry with him use that anger to remember that HE is the unreasonable one . You can’t reason with him so don’t try .
you will calm down but he will do this again to keep you in line it’s up to you op if you want to live like this .

I am sure that those who feel the word "controlling" doesn't really apply, or worse, those who think OP has overreacted, have never been in this kind of relationship. Anyone who has, and who is either fortunately out of it or has seen the light and is making their plans, will recognise the pattern. The one where you're supposed to read his mind and know his unspoken plans for the evening particularly resonates. I had over 20 years of that nonsense (I'm stubborn, took a long while to realise I could never fix it). And what was that "our last night" shit about anyway? You're going with your parents and children for 5 days, not abroad for 6 months!

When I was late for anything, missed a train or a train was cancelled (but he told me he had seen it come in so I must be lying), the explanation was nearly always that I was shagging around, occasionally varied with the conviction I was just trying to avoid him - absolutely confirmed if I didn't want to sit with him to watch another fucking war film. I was even accused of using periods as an excuse to avoid sex... over 20 years I tell you! No wonder my marbles have gone a-rattling and will never quite be the same again. 15 years since divorce and counting.

Gosh if someone spoke to me, or treated me like that, I would cut them out of my life. DH needs to learn some respect, but if you say, "he's got form", then I doubt he'll ever change. I'd be planning a separation/ divorce.