The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

If there is a sleep over on Ex weekend then he is the one that will have to tell DS he refuses to facilitate him going.

I doubt he will want to look the bad guy.

You need to take a massive step back. You cannot keep everyone happy, you cannot stop your ex being an arse.

You need to do contact by the book for now to enforce the boundaries otherwise he is going to take the piss and continue to control you.

Protect your time with the boys. Sure they will be disappointed if their Dad is a wanker but the truth needs to be out there. It is a mistake to have endless contact trying to cover up for him by rearrange contact.

@RandomMess is right as usual.

He is only dying to mess you around.

You cannot protect your sons from the twat he is.

It simply isn't humanly possible🙄

If something comes up and the boys want a different night, request by email so his answer is something HE will have to stand over.

Let email be your friend.

Do not collect them in future.
Better a few hard lessons rather than years of being messed about.

Keep notes of everything, you may need them.

You are doing great.
Well done.

Yes, keep a book of the contact, & the times, who collects etc.
If he consistently messes you around you will have a record.
Plus he cannot just change the time without former discussion. What if there was a reason you were out before or after.
he cannot insist you do all the collecting when he has messed up the plans, its just more dominant wanky games
Plans are made & he cannot just unilaterally change them, cos "DC wanted McDos" or other bollox.
They can go to McDos/Cinema or whatever next time.

@Bluebeanbag I spent all.of yesterday evening and this morning reading through your previous thread and this one ...am so so happy for you that you and the boys are happy and settling in your new lovely home 🥰🥰

Sorry to hear ex is being an idiot ( putting it politely) over contact ...more control ..and echo what others have said re email and CAO if needed.

I'm still trying to gather up the sort of courage I've seen in your thread .... DH currently in " nice" mode after an absolutely awful year and it's hard not to question my sanity at times ( I was ready to leave earlier in the year.... Wish I had sometimes when angry and he was being more objectively unreasonable, controlling and emotionally abusive... It feels harder to justify when he is in " nice" mode and I feel crazy for even thinking about it ..)

Reading threads like yours gives me hope I can get there ....I fantasize walking into my own little peaceful house just me DD and the pets and shutting the door and being able to finally breathe........

One day ..

Thank you all. You are right about doing contact by the book at the moment. Fingers crossed, this weekend seems to be going smoothly so far. He is meant to be dropping them back in time for DS2 to go to a party tomorrow. Watching this space to see if he's on time.

In other news, I emailed him on 3rd July with a breakdown of what he should be paying to cover the costs of childcare. He hadn't responded so when I messaged about timings for this weekend I added a little, 'btw, did you see my email from 3.7?' He replied saying that he is unable to work at the moment for medical reasons and is likely to be signed off long term by the GP. That's why the CMS have said he only has to pay £157.99 pm from his 'savings'. He is going to send me the paperwork from CMS to prove it. He said he is happy to discuss a higher amount as and when he is working again.

Well what a surprise! 🙄 I actually feel quite self-righteous in that he is proving himself over and over again to be an absolute dick. I will provide for the DC no matter what it takes and I'm damned if they will have to give up anything they do because of his selfishness.

Good luck @Bellairen I was moved to tears by your post because I remember so clearly feeling exactly as you describe. The hardest bit is starting the ball rolling. Once you do, the journey takes you with it however hard it might be.

Thank you @Bluebeanbag
I just feel frozen right now tbh and worn down by it all and questioning myself all the time ( as outwardly it appears that everything is fine and it's as if the behaviour and extremes of the last year never even happened!)

I don't expect it to last. .... And even if it did I'm not sure how I'd ever get a feeling of trust or ( emotional) safety back as there is SUCH a strongly held belief that all of the ( emotionally) abusive behaviour is my fault , because of things I've done ( or not fine) and who I am essentially.....

And I'm almost believing it at times ... Except I can't see it staying this " nice" for long ...something will rock the boat and maybe then will be my time to get the ball rolling .....

@Bellairen You can do it.
You will do it one day.
I did it! It was worth it, a million per cent. My ex paid me zilch for our two DC but I didn't care. I was just glad not to be in the same house as him. We will support toy when you're ready.

@Bluebeanbag You're right that the pitiful amount of CMS he's offering was predicted by you and all of us.
How very unfortunate that your ex is so unwell........... heavy sarcasm there.

@TheShellBeach he has always had something wrong with him for the whole 19 years I have known him. To be fair, this probably is genuine, but it always seems that he is more unlucky or that his ailments are always worse than anyone else's. His career choices don't reflect the adjustments he ought to be making to cope with his long-term physical problems.

Thank you @TheShellBeach
I dream of the day I feel brave enough to do it- it's very easy to question myself and my judgement now the silent treatment has stopped and the anger seems to have simmered down and I am asking myself if it ever really was as bad as I thought it was (I know it was deep down) . I know I need to start taking actions again -small steps even and not just dreaming...

Amazing 🤩

I need help wording a message please!

ExH has bought DS1 a new gaming computer for his house, which DS has been building himself. There is a problem with the build and DS1 wants to take the computer to a shop which has helped him with stuff in the past. He has said 'dad says it will get fixed faster if I bring it to yours and we take it to the shop'.

Basically I want to say that the computer is his responsibility, I am happy to facilitate returning it to exH's house once it has been fixed but that he needs to sort out the appointment/getting it to the shop and also to stop passing messages through DS1.

Every time I type something it sounds really aggressive. I want it to be business-like and to the point but not aggressive. Part of me is desperate to just cave and do this because it's for DS1 but I know that's exactly what he's playing on.

What about this?

I am happy to collect the computer and bring it back to yours with them the next time the kids come, but the rest is not my responsibility. I also think it is unfair to use DS1 as communicator. It puts pressure on him. I am trying not to do this.

I know he will emotionally blackmail and say that I am being obstructive over something which is for DS1.

Your message is absolutely fine. Probably sounds aggressive in your head because that's how you feel.

As for his response - who cares? You have no control over that. It's reasonable not to want to deliberately antagonise, but don't waste your energy trying to second guess his reaction - you'll just tie yourself in knots. Send your perfectly reasonable, boundary-reinforcing message and have done with it.

All the best to you OP. You're doing a tremendous job.

Thank you @YellowBlackAndBlue That's reassuring.

@Bluebeanbag agree your message is fine - but perhaps take out the ‘I think that’ and simply say ‘it’s unfair to use DS as communicator’ as that way xh won’t get the dubious satisfaction of doing the opposite of what you say you think - iykwim!
Can you somehow imagine any message to xh as if they were to some random person, and give it less thought?

@goody2shooz You're right, I do need to do something to take the stress out of communicating. We have very little contact now, but when I have to message or email him I really tie myself up in knots over it.

Message sent. Response received. He has agreed to sort out the computer. Also told me not to preach to him 😂

@Bluebeanbag good grief 🤦‍♀️ you must be SO glad you’re not still living with him! 💐

🤣

Hilarious, think you hit him where it hurts with that message.

Well you knew he would be upset however you worded it so ignore the preach part and look at the rest. He's dealing with it not you. You won that part. You also can c/p that exact same sentence for any future asks as you know it works.

Sounds like you are winning whichever way you look at it

Small victories ✌️ @RandomMess I am having a little chuckle to myself 😂

The thing is, it may well have been DS1 who was pushing to bring the computer to my house for me to sort it out, but xH should have told him it wasn't a good idea to involve me, as it wasn't my responsibility. The DC don't know how to deal with this situation of having separated parents, so we need to gently teach them how to operate in these new circumstances.

I remember that same moment too. I was finally divorced but couldn't fully move on because of a long drawn out house sale. That moment I pulled up to my new house with the key in my hand was the start of the next chapter. I wish I could bottle up that feeling. I'd waited ten years for it to happen.

That was nice years ago. I've met some amazing people. Done some lovely things.

Enjoy your new life. Good luck.

I think you are default domestic appliance and they all need to learn that you aren't anymore!!

Oh, DID he?

What a cheek. A predictable cheek, though.