The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Me thinks he's having you on regarding maintenance;my brother is a team leader for a pub chain on a zero hours contract so doesn't earn a high salary,has one child to pay for,has her one night a week and pays £40 a week (works out at £173.33 a month).

£158.99 for 2 kids per month my backside.

Delighted to read all is well.

I think going via CMS is wise.

Nice and formal, no ambiguity.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

@Bluebeanbag as usual, @billy1966 nails it! CMS and the legal route all the way - you know he’s a cheat and a liar. So glad you’re relishing your happy new home, sending 💐🍰🍾

He will probably give CMS the income he earned when he wasn't working much. Ensure you ask for a reconsideration using his current earnings

All response to him "we need to keep it impartial so their is no ambiguity" grey rock away with that phrase.

Whoa.
WTF.

Less than £20 a week per child?

Don't let him get away with that! It's outrageous.

So it took him a month but now it begins....DC have been with him over night and the regular arrangement is that I pick them up at 4pm today. He has just messaged to say that he is taking them to the cinema this afternoon so they will be late back (no time given) and that DS2 wants to stay an extra night tonight with him. My DM is coming to stay tonight to see the DC (and the new house) so I have messaged him to say that this is not possible. He has left the message unread. WWYD?

So he is refusing to return the children.

Text him this question.

Are you refusing to return the children at the agreed time of X oclock?

If he doesn't reply or return them, after they do return you can tell him to apply to the courts for contact as you will not be held hostage to his behaviour.

He's a bully.
You need to be very firm about this, otherwise this will be your life, him messing you around.

Hopefully others will give you more helpful advice.
I would be furious but maybe my approach is wrong.

Keep ringing his number so you have a log of trying to get through repeatedly.

He's just trying to piss on your chips because you have plans, I'm with @billy1966 once you give in he will never stop.

I agree with the others.
He's testing the waters to gauge your response.
Don't let him do this.

@Bluebeanbag maybe message the dc and explain/remind them their grandmother has a planned visit to see them, and dc2 can stay another time. Is the contact agreed between you or court ordered? He does boil the blood doesn’t he, noxious creature.

Still not read the message or any subsequent messages I have sent. The last two didn't deliver to his phone so I'm assuming they are in the cinema. He will present the change of plans as 'what the DC wanted to do' in order to make me look like I am spoiling things for them. I need to have a chat with DC too, to explain why plans can't change at the last minute. They are still getting used to all this.

@goody2shooz the contact is agreed between us. Yes, he likes to have everything his own way at all times. Infuriating.

Absolute arsehole. He has just messaged to say that they are 15 minutes away from his house. It's a half an hour drive from mine and my DM is due to arrive within the next 15 or so minutes. I will have to leave her here while I drive an hour to go and pick them up.

I haven't said anything about it yet other than I will pick them up. I want to word it correctly in an email to make it clear that this cannot happen.

@Bluebeanbag Why can’t HE drop them off given he changed the arrangements? Stuff you having to drive an hour in a rage.

Tell him this was not the arrangement, the children need returning for their GM visit.
He moved the goal posts, up to him to put this right

I guess that means refusing future contact and telling him to a get a CAO because he is not sticking to the arrangements and he knowingly spoiled your plans.

No point wasting your time with anything else.

Get mediation signed off due to his emotional and verbal abusive and straight to court.

I think by collecting them you are giving in to him.

Far better to insist he returns them, even if your mother misses seeing them.

Then follow up with your email that he has broken the agreement and HE needs to go to court to see them again.

This is all about messing you about.
Have you your video bell installed.

Record your conversation with him.

This is going to be your life unless you are really firm on this.

This is all to be expected from such an arsehole.

Urgh OP you did amazingly getting away from him. This is just his pathetic attempts at control. I read your last thread in complete awe of you x

Men like this will never stop unless you grey rock them and stand extremely firm.

We already know how petty he is.

I'd insist on set contact days with set times and him meeting you half to pick up/drop off.

No doubt he's a cheap sake and is trying to save on petrol but it's just another way to cause you inconvenience.

You've done the hardest part by breaking free;you are in control of your life here.

this is good advice.

he will never play nice, don't give in.

I know you'll have already picked them up, but when he tries the 'it's what the dc wanted to do' I'd be telling him that it's still his responsibility to manage their time and return to you on time, if the dc want to go to the cinema/picnic or what ever it's his responsibility to ensure it's done during his time .

As others have said, if it becomes a regular thing then an order via courts might be the only way to go

You're right @BanditsOnTheHorizon I did pick them up. I just wanted to get them back and rescue the evening tbh.

I am formulating an email which I will send tonight explaining that he needs to stick to contact times agreed unless x amount of notice is given (1 week, I'm thinking). I'm just worried that there may be times when I need to switch arrangements (e.g. this weekend when DS2 had been invited to a sleepover when he would normally be with exH). If I am completely inflexible over it, then he will not accommodate any changes.

Thank you @SquirrelSoShiny 😊