The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Very true 🤔

Well handled.

Nothing useful to add, beyond noting AGAIN what a tit your ex is😁.

Well rid.💪

Oh you can reply to his comment with a thumbs up 🤣

🤣🤣

I can't believe I've just read a year in the life of @Bluebeanbag You are an inspiration! You should write a book to inspire even more women to leave their abusive husbands/partners. What about Cockbadgers as a working title...

I wish you a future of nothing but love and support for you and your boys ❤️

@Bluebeanbag hope you and the dc are
having a wonderful summer 🌻

@goody2shooz we are having a fabulous time, thank you! The house is slowly coming together and the DC certainly seem more relaxed and settled than they have been in a long time. I feel like I am smiling more than frowning now too.

I sort of exist in a busy whirlwind most of the time and jump from one thing to another without finishing the first thing, leaving no time for reflection (maybe partly deliberately?) but I'm reading a book called Was It Even Abuse? It's really helping me to think about what I have been through. I think I often dismiss and belittle my experiences in my own mind, with a view to 'just getting on with it'. I think I have a lot of work to do in this area.

My body feels like it is 100 years old at the moment too!! I feel very physically weak and my back is in constant pain. I went for physio yesterday so hopefully that should start to help after a few appointments. I suppose patience is the key. I've been reading about somatic healing and I'm trying to establish a regular yoga routine.

That sounds like I'm really moaning! I'm not. Life is SO much better and happier all round. I'm just aware that the healing is going to take a while I suppose.

@Bluebeanbag sounds like your body needs you to slow down a bit! You’ve been through so much, you need to really take care of yourself and recover. Maybe some journaling to help ‘get it out’, and as much relaxation and self care as life with two dc/new home/work/life allows! Glad you’re all doing well 💐

What a lovely update. I've been wondering how you are

My mum's physical health collapsed a lot after my parents split up. It was almost as if her body refused to give up whilst she was with him but once free her body relaxed and went pooof! Sometimes I wonder if she was made of pure adrenaline during that time. Once she started to do self care of meditation, long baths, pilates etc her body slowly returned but it did take years. Listen to your body and slow down and heal. It's something I'm trying to be aware of too.

@Pixiedust1234 I didn't realise how much stress I was carrying in my body. I still feel like I can't really move sometimes. I think it's that freeze response which has been so ingrained.

I also just wanted to come on here to say how much I recommend that book I mentioned in my last post, if anyone needs it. It's called, Was It Even Abuse? by Emma Rose Byham. Reading it is like looking at myself and our relationship in the mirror. It's revelatory and written in such a kind, gentle and caring tone that reading it feels like a big hug. Some bits are uncomfortable but it also feel like a very necessary read.

I will be reading it OP. Thank you for the recommendation and for showing so many women that need to see it, there is a brighter future

Thank you, that's another book to add to my list once I'm free. I've actually asked him for a divorce and since we have to live together until the house is sold I asked if he was willing to continue paying the bills until then.

He replied "of course, I'm not a dick" . I tried very very very hard not to burst out laughing. It's the reason I'm leaving...

One thing I am confused about though, how did you manage to buy another property before the divorce is signed off by a judge. Was the financial consent order signed by both of you and witnessed by your solicitors? I don't really want to wait if I don't have to.

You have been a great inspiration to me and I hope your body starts to realisesoon it no longer needs to freeze

@Pixiedust1234 hope you are doing ok.

As you are not housing young children, don't rush into any decisions about where you will live.

Take your time.

Hi all, little update. Received news from the CMS today that exH is not required to pay ANY maintenance because he is claiming state benefits and has the DC for more than 52 days per year.

I feel utterly deflated and broken again.

When I pick myself up again I will be:

1. Speaking to my solicitor
2. Going back to the CMS to ask them how the fuck this can be when he has £100k in the bank and no mortgage?

Hugs

Because he knows how to play the game unfortunately

@Bluebeanbag I am so sorry to hear this.

When the CSA first came into existence, I was working for the CAB. To meet their targets, the newly formed CSA identified men (usually) who had already made reponsible and fair maintenance agreements through the court, and wasted everyone's time getting them to pay through the CSA instead

The rules also led to feckless men refusing to put their names on their own children's birth certificates, so that the CSA could not come after them. Although IIRC the CSA badgered mothers to tell them who to chase for money. I have no idea whether they took into account the possiblity that those men were abusers.

Now, the parent with residence has to pay the CSA, to chase blokes to get them to stump what it is only right and proper that they pay for the upkeep of their own children. I think that's right?

Sorry , not much help. Good family solicitor, and/or CAB,

Well done. I remember the day after a long and rocky road, that I finally got the keys to my house. The finally piece in a separation/divorce from my ex wife. It felt amazing.

@GentlemanJay I have PM'd you. I hope you don't mind.

If in receipt of state benefits he’s committing fraud with 100K savings.

Thanks all. The maintenance system is shocking as you say @TheSilveryPussycat. My Dsis is going through similar. Feeling a bit more chipper this morning after an early night. I always knew none of this would be easy even after finally getting out. He still seems bent on making me 'pay for what I've done' and proving that I'm going to struggle without him (as he claimed during those final few months).

@Bluebeanbag oh what a piece of shit he is. Raging on your behalf, but how is he claiming benefits with those savings? ?
I was just thinking about you the other day and hoping life was peaceful and happy for you, so this is a downer. Despicable creature he is, but if you have proof of his savings, report him to the benefits fraud people! 💐

Definitely benefit fraud there.
I would have no qualms about reporting him to the DWP. He is not entitled to receive anything other than PIP with that amount in the bank.

I'm so angry on your behalf!
I think we all knew he'd do this, though. Not that that's any help.

Definitely report him for claiming benefits (unless PIP) with those savings. I take it he gave his job up when you finally moved out?

Despite all this I hope you and the children are now starting to flourish in your own house. That sense of freedom away from his abuse must be so refreshing to the soul.

I'm slipping Didn't take in the details of your update, just felt furious about the CSA. Dead right he is not eligibe to claim benefits (except PIP), as others have pointed out. Tosser.

He told me he was being signed off work by the GP so I imagine it must be PIP 🤷🏻‍♀️ In which case I probably don't have a leg to stand on.