The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Well, he doesn't get them part of every w/e, "errrr maybe, if I can get time off, perhaps, we'll see".... No, Na, NOPE.
You both need w/e time, there will be hair cuts, new shoes, outings YOU want to do, there is homework, there is sport, birthdays....
Having an "Open" arrangement means he can dip in & out, cancel, & screw up any plans YOU may have (often deliberately.)
He needs a fixed schedule, and he needs to stick to it.
Including holidays, where, if he isn't free he will have to organise has own alternative solution & pay for it if necessary.
This really is a hill to die on... if not he will completely take the piss & cherry pick & mess you about forever

So he wants to collect them from his DM on Fridays?
so he is free to go out on Friday evening while his DM looks after them?

That sounds about right.

Oh, & you deliver to his Mums ???

& for their Sunday sports activity, he can take them direct to their sport, then bring them home afterwards.
You are not his free taxi

So, to clarify, his DM picks DC2 up from school on a Friday while DC1 makes his way back to hers by bus. They have their tea there and are then stopped back afterwards. This has been the arrangement for a number of years and is his DM's main opportunity to spend time with them on a weekly basis. He is suggesting that rather than them being dropped back to mine, he goes to collect them from there. Pickup time would be between 6 and 7.

The sport activity is one which is also a hobby of mine and is quite specialised. I have introduced the DC to it and he would not be able to supervise or guide DC2 in the sport, meaning he would need to drop DC1 at the lesson, then go somewhere else with DC2 for the duration and pick up again after. If that's the solution, then so be it, but DC2 misses out on the opportunity of taking part, which he would get if I were taking them.

@Mix56 I hear you about it being a hill to die on, which is why I haven't responded in haste. I really need to get this right because he will hold me to it forever more.

*Dropped back

My main concern is not his contact, but rather what is right for the DC.

Ahh that puts a different slant on it since the dc do two fixed things at the weekend anyway. Its just a matter of who picks up/takes where really (plus the bit inbetween). I thought you were trying to fix the dad and child bond, which is no longer your problem.

and have them overnight until 'some time on Saturday'.
Have a fixed time, whether its before or after their dinner but don't let him flipflop, ie 4pm or 7pm not whenever between the two. The overnight Saturday can be decided when he's available but don't count on it, let that be an extra. Basically make the drop off times non negotiable otherwise you will be wasting your life sitting around waiting for him to show up. Dont let him continue to steal your life, you've come too far for that. Good luck

DC is an older teenager I seem to recall?

Could he be dropped back at yours to be home alone whilst you do the activity? DC2 could miss once a month so both boys have a whole weekend with Dad until Monday morning. Good for their relationship. Either that or Dad picks him up afterwards.

I still think only EOW because he will mess you about with dropping back on Saturday morning. You could make an exception to him having an extra occasional Friday night and then you go pick up from him at a time that works for you if him dropping back late back at yours interferes with your plans HOWEVER I would not offer that yet nor would I let it happen often at all in case this ends up in court.

You can offer him a minimum of 50% of the school holidays and set out that drop off/pick up is at 6pm at yours on handover days?

He can have a midweek overnight from end of school and drop back there?

Presumably his shifts change?

I was a bit confused about DC 1 & 2 there 🤣

Anyhow hopefully I've given you some options.

You could meet DC2 there and do activity whilst DC1 has lesson and then him pick up after just as if they were doing Footie or Judo - the fact you are there teaching DC2 is irrelevant.

Also once a month or so you may actually go away for the weekend Friday to Monday and he needs to have the DC. Needs to part of established contact so if you do make plans he can't mess you about. Don't let the DC know if you are going away as if they accidentally let it slip he will scupper your plans.

If you aren't going to be there at the activity for DC2 you let him know that morning that you won't be. Same as if a lesson was cancelled, not your issue as it's his time with the DC.

Have a good long chat with the boys first and establish what they would like.

Then agree plans that are provisional to see how things work.

Do not entertain him telling you what is set in stone.

Email is your friend here.
Use it for contact, or text.

Avoid talking to him.

Don't be bullied.

TELL him via email that you will be guided by what works for the boys and if he wants to argue the point, HE can take you to court.

YOU are resident parent and will not be bullied by him.

Think carefully before you commit.

You are doing great.

You all make excellent points. I am taking my time with this decision and not being pushed into anything. I was in a bit of a flap the othet day when I first posted about it, because I felt under pressure to make a decision, but now I have left it a couple of days, I feel much calmer about it.

@RandomMess it is confusing to me too 😂 There are so many variables and I don't want to overcomplicate arrangements because he will also use that to his advantage and tell me I've got it wrong etc etc.

The other reason to get the contact arrangements agreed is that I need to finalise my application to the CMS and they need to know how many nights they will be with him.

I think my over riding advice is just because you assist DC2 with the activity or are there yourself doesn't mean his contact time automatically ends.

At least once a month he needs to have them Fri-Mon else you will never get the opportunity to go away/visit friends/have a shag fest. Make this something like the first Friday in the month - can't be disputed etc. he sorts out childcare if he has to work. Then 3rd weekend he has them until Sunday activity?

Fixed times for the other weekends if he does do every Friday night then it's with the proviso that you can take them away and he misses the Friday.

You can do a detailed 4 month plan and then review it. He's late returning them, go out. Basically don't sit around waiting if he returns them early and you're out so be it he'll have to sit and wait.

He'll do his best to be difficult and controlling keep practicing your grey rock.

Also, he needs to be on time collecting.
If he's unjustifyingly late, he forfeits, & doesn't get to cherry pick the replacement time.
This is likely to be uncomfortable & a massive learning curve imposition for him as he us so very fucking important & superior, he is not used to having to having to comply when it comes to your decisions .

.................he is not used to having to having to comply when it comes to your decisions

Indeed. And you have got away from him. He will carry on trying to control the narrative and do whatever he likes.

Maybe when he's lined up your replacement he'll stop being so difficult.

Just dropping in to say congratulations again and you are doing so well. I was on your original thread (i've had to name change again since then). I've been trying to leave my husband (who is sadly very similar to yours) for a long time and your thread honestly gave me a massive kick up the arse and now I've finally done it. Still finding my feet and wondering what the hell i've done but then I keep coming back and seeing how well you're doing. Honestly you are bloody amazing💐

Congratulations on your new chapter. Don't sacrifice weekend time with your DC so take your time. DC1 will be able to say what he wants at his age.

Well done on getting through this op, I went the something mildly similar, nowhere near as intense but I left my husband almost 6 years ago.
I felt terribly guilty about it at the time, because of the emotional abuse and emotional blackmail, there was gaslighting - just enough to have me confused but not enough to know for sure to gtfo sooner if you know what I mean.
The guilt has subsided as more and more reality set in about how easy he ended up having it. I barely took a thing from that house, we share custody of our 2 dc and I'm still in a small 2 bed HA flat over 5 years later, but that's besides the point.

I was compelled to post because I wanted to check if you ever took advantage of the marriage tax allowance since you've been working part time, and if you'd had that removed if you did? I was a sahm so transferred some of my allowance to H and forgot about it, until about a month before the deadline to cancel/remove it. I think there would have been some big repercussions for us if I hadn't.
I'm aware that might have been the thing with your tax code but couldn't not mention it just in case. I think my exH was able to earn a little more for a year or more because of it, and I wouldn't want your ex to get a penny extra he isn't entitled to, even if it doesn't make any difference to you at the moment.
Also, I hope you got that video doorbell sorted.

You've been so brave and strong. I know you don't feel it, but you have - you have your home for you and your boys, your sanctuary and you made that happen. You have saved yourself from any more of his abuse. And you've organised all of it despite being held up at every turn by him.
It has been a really hard year out of your life, but as you've already said, it has been so worth all the difficulties getting here. And it's only going to be even better once everything is all done and dusted.
He has no hold over you anymore. So long as you're being reasonable he can't dictate anything you do anymore.

Best of luck going forward

It must feel wonderful, not having him lurking in the house somewhere.
I remember the feeling of freedom, realizing he wasn't there anymore.

Just catching up on messages. It's been a hectic week at work. @NotAgainBrian that's great news that you have taken the plunge. I hope all goes well.

@GingerBeerDrinker it's like a rising tide of realisation isn't it? I don't think I ever claimed marriage tax allowance but I will try and find out.

@TheShellBeach exactly that. My house is a tip and I haven't bothered hoovering all week and I don't give a damn. Nobody is here to make snide comments about 'bits all over the floor'. Yippee!!

It's been a bit of a monsoon of feelings this week. Mostly good ones, but I'm aware of being absolutely emotionally exhausted underneath it as well. It doesn't really help that my job is full-on, so very little time during the week to do anything other than work.

We are adjusting to our new life well though. The DC have both done a week of school now and the new routine seems to be working well (new journeys to the same schools etc). They seem really happy and settled.

In the end I provisionally agreed to exH's proposal for contact with a view to looking at it again in a couple of months. The contact he is having with them is truly minimal - less than 24 hours each week. He says he can't see them any more because he has to 'work every shift he can get'. I'm still unclear as to why he feels this is the case, since he has bought his house for cash and has a huge amount left in the bank (ten times what I have).

I feel quite sad for him that he can't bring himself to commit to seeing his children more. The only person who will suffer will be him. The DC don't seem to be bothered with the lack of contact in the slightest and they have said they are happy with the arrangement.

If he's anything like the majority of men in this situation he'll gradually stop seeing the boys.

This is particularly likely if he starts a new relationship and has more children.

@TheShellBeach I'm not sure. He has continued to maintain a close relationship with his DD's from his first marriage and regularly sees them and their children. He now lives very close to one of them. I think it's part of his image to play the brilliant dad who is there for his kids (always on his own terms of course).

@Bluebeanbag

How are things?;how's the new house coming along?.

Now that you've moved into your own home and the house is sold are you any further along with officially divorcing him?;I hope your also seeing maintenance out of him for your boys.

It's absolutely amazing how far you've come in a year.

@Duckingella things are great! I love my little house to bits and the DC are so happy here. We are slowly settling into the new routine and they are gradually taking on responsibilities around the house (which I was always desperate to encourage).

Lots to do before we are fully organised but I seem to have friends over to help almost every weekend and it's all coming together.

I've had hardly any contact with exH, none at all this week. He messaged me last Monday asking for money again (to cover the last month's bills) and stating that the CMS have told him he has to pay £157.99 per month in maintenance. I was furious but sat on it for a week or so and then emailed him asking for proof of the calculation from the CMS and attaching a breakdown of the costs involved with the DC including; wraparound childcare, music and sport lessons, dinner money, food and clothing bills. When it was all added up, it came to more than double what he had suggested. I'm now waiting for a response from him. If he doesn't come up with something satisfactory I will revert to the CMS.