The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Just read all your posts. Well done for fighting and what an arsehole he is.

Hi OP in your last post you mention Easter gate and your parents. And now he is hosting the birthday party and excluding them. Why don't you have your own celebrations? You are giving him a lot of power and control (which he is clearly abusing). You do know you can do what you want?

That aside you have come so far and you should be so proud of yourself. Your DC will already be aware of more than you know. Stay consistent and they will work it all out themselves in time

@Acornsoup thank you for your post. It's a bit of a confusing situation. It's actually exH's mother and her husband who are being excluded. They have been to my house for low key socialising - coffee etc, but exMIL does not feel comfortable with anything more than that as she is keen to rebuild her relationship with her son (exH). She also recognises that in order to see her GC she needs to have a reasonable relationship with me as I have the majority of the childcare.

My family live further away and it's not always practical to celebrate birthdays etc with them but DS2 has had a very rowdy and enjoyable sleepover with a group of his mates at my house. My aim is to make my house the place of comfort and choice for both the DC and their friends who all live close by.

@Bluebeanbag That sounds like a lovely plan

I sincerely hope you actually used those words when explaining the lack of grandparents at his birthday party. Sometimes it is best to be very clear about some things otherwise the child just gets very confused and stops asking and ends up more hurt in the long run. You don't have to smear exdh but you can be clear.

Your father banned gran from his house because gran brought your easter eggs here. I don't know why he was upset about that.

Simple, clear, factual. And a lot less harmful than ignoring or downplaying it. I'm speaking as someone whose mother glossed over things so I could keep a relationship going with my DF (who was abusive). It gave my father power and control over me for longer than it should, leaving a lot of mental and emotional crap to sort out later coupled with lack of trust in my mother for not being (age appropriate) truthful. Just be aware of that

@Pixiedust1234 that's a really helpful perspective, thank you. Yes, I was quite blunt about it and didn't try to sugar coat. I think your phrase, 'I don't know why he was upset about that', could also be really powerful when explaining things. He's so good at making everyone believe that he is right in every scenario, so that nobody questions of disagrees with him or his opinion. That phrase would imply some level of doubt in his 'Mr Right' stance.

You just know that even if you hadn't gone back to court for more settlement that he would have had another excuse why he couldn't contribute to the uniforms...that excuse being to blame you for something else.

Bloody men

@Bluebeanbag

It's been quite some time since your last update;how are you doing?

Hi @Duckingella I feel as though life has really turned a corner for us since about the middle of November. The DC seem more relaxed and comfortable and I have been working on listening to my instincts and actually following them! I've had a couple of comments from friends recently about DC1 in particular, saying that he has really blossomed and seems far more confident and happy, which has been so lovely to hear.

I've had a surge of confidence as well and I'm doing better at work and as a parent. I'm taking time out for myself more and I've let go of worries like trying to make the house perfectly tidy, clean and organised all the time. ExH always wanted the house to look like a show home and it's taken a while to realise that was his issue and let go of it for myself. Not that we live in a heap but it's more relaxed now!

ExH is still causing problems now and again (as will always be the case) but I find I have the mental resources to work around it now. His latest thing is that he has disclosed to me he has been diagnosed with some mystery illness (he won't say what) which requires multiple hospital appointments, some of which may prevent him from having his usual contact with the DC. So it feels like he has laid the ground to be able to pull the 'illness' card whenever he fancies. He has also not told the DC about this illness and has asked me not to mention it to them. I've just responded with 👍🏻 to everything 😆

Finally, the divorce came through just before Christmas so I'm officially a free woman!

@Bluebeanbag so very pleased to hear you’re all doing so much better - congratulations on your official freedom 👏🏻👏🏻

A mostly brilliant update and I'm thrilled for you regarding the divorce but I'm slightly at one part

What are the reasons, and who is having to say it, regarding the no-show contact times if you cannot mention the real reason? Or are they all over the place anyway and the children won't notice the reduced contact? Be careful at being seen as the liar if the children find out.

So glad to see your update @Bluebeanbag, I’ve followed you from the start. Re the “mystery illness that cannot be spoken of” (😂😂) I would just be very matter of fact with your boys: “Dad’s not able to have you this weekend, he hasn’t told me why” and just leave it there, say it every time.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the mystery illness turns out to be a new woman (victim). Good luck to her!
onwards and upwards for you

I guess your youngest is now at secondary school ?

I believe they are old enough for you to tell the truth without causing them any hurt, i.e. as previous poster said - Dad's not able to come this weekend, I don't know why.

It does feel good to be able to give such a positive update 😊 I honestly feel like a new woman. All his shenanigans just run off me like water these days 😁 I never thought I would get to this point during the dark days.

The DC know that he has regular hospital appointments because he had previous back problems which we all knew about (arthritis) and he had surgery on his knee two weeks ago, so I will just say that 'dad's got another appointment this week', if it arises. He still only has them one night a week during term time and we arrange holiday contact ad hoc. He has them more during the holidays but usually no more than 2 consecutive nights. Tbh they seem less and less bothered by the sporadic contact.

Tbh they seem less and less bothered by the sporadic contact.
That is excellent news too.

It looks like you are all coming out of the darkness and starting to live life as you deserve 🌻

So a couple of posters were asking on Jamais' thread how things were going and I said I would update over here.

All is well in our little three-beanbag family. We have just had an amazing summer holiday, doing things we never would have had the freedom to do with exH and I know the DC feel the freedom too, although they never say it. I'm not sure whether this is because they can't quite explain what they are feeling, because they still feel loyal to their dad, or because they are worried they will cause arguments between us. In any case, I can see how much more relaxed they are in general and my relationship with them seems to get stronger all the time.

ExH still tries to control and manipulate, both the DC and me. Mainly it is about money. Since he paid me the settlement lump sum, he now maintains that he won't contribute to anything beyond paying his £160 a month maintenance. I have asked for contributions to school uniform and trips etc but he just responds with, 'that will have to come out of the money I gave you'. It stings and I am furious on behalf of the DC, but I know that I have to let it go for my own sanity and I am grateful EVERY. DAMN. DAY. for my new life!

It is coming up to DS2's birthday and he has asked for clothes and trainers but exH has refused to buy him these as they 'always end up at your mum's'. He won't buy them any clothes to keep at his house, again citing that I should be buying them out of the money 'he gave me'. I always knew he would behave like this, so it's no surprise. I just hope the DC can see what he is really like. I think they do. I try to encourage critical thinking about his behaviour, but they just shrug it off and say it doesn't bother them.

ExH has a new gf (which I'm not supposed to know about). I've heard mixed opinions about her on the extended family grapevine but the DC don't know about her yet apparently. She has family who live abroad and he has been flying over with her to visit them. On one visit they delayed their return to the UK and he cancelled his regular Friday night with the DC, telling me he had covid and was unwilling to see them as he didn't want to spread it. I only found out later that in fact he was still abroad and hadn't flown back until the Tuesday (his mum mistakenly let it slip to me in conversation!)

No sign of any new relationship for me yet. I'm partly terrified of the dating scene these days. It seems horrific 😵 and I still don't feel quite ready to meet anyone else. I'm just happy for now living my best life in my little house and enjoying every day for what it brings 😊

Are they spending regular time with him or still sporadically?

@Bluebeanbag so glad to hear you’re doing so well - despite that dreadful excuse for a man! Selfish creature, but we all knew he’d be that way. I take it his ‘mystery illness’ you weren’t allowed to mention (eh, yes you are - he’s a liar) isn’t holing him back? Still, sounds like you’re managing just fine and in a few years he’ll be out of your life 99% of the time!

@Weenurse they do spend regular time with him but not that much. He picks them up from school on Friday and has them overnight then I collect them from his on Saturday afternoon, so it's just about 24 hours a week during term time and then extra days in the holidays. It does feel like all parenting is on my shoulders, which is hard work, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, it's not all that different to when we were together anyway, I just had someone to do decorating, cut the grass and take the bins out 😆

@goody2shooz the mystery illness is still a mystery although I know he definitely claims PIP and has a blue badge for the car (he sent a proud picture of himself holding the badge to one of our mutual friends). However, he has told me that he has been diagnosed with ASD, which news nearly caused me to spit my tea. He seems to think this explains his behaviour over the years.

Hello all, annual review of CMS payments came through yesterday. From next month his payments are going down from £160 to £100. I mean, it's peanuts anyway, but it makes me so angry that what he pays for our kids doesn't even cover their lunch money now.

I knew this would happen all along and I'm so glad I fought him for an extra lump sum from the house settlement. He just wants to make sure that I have to use that money to pay for day to day stuff for the boys rather than using it to improve our lifestyle.

I still feel like he is controlling me through this. I wish I didn't have to think about him ever again.

Just needed a vent.

thats ridiculous @Bluebeanbag, kids get more expensive as they get older, not cheaper. I’m sure it is control by him

@Bluebeanbag Just HOW do these scumbags get away with it? Kids get bigger and cost more and he manages to weasel out of paying a meagre sum - to pay an even more meagre amount ?

I hope you make the dc and his family aware of his miserliness - in a nice way of course. People who stinge out on their kids to get at the other parent are just disgusting. Hopefully you can get on brilliantly with your life despite him, and do ever so well, make loadsa money, all be sooo happy!

@goody2shooz I hope so too. Just feeling a bit defeated today. I'm working 6 days a week and I feel like I'm stretched so thinly to try to give my children decent opportunities. Then he pulls a stunt like this and I can't even express my anger towards him.

@Bluebeanbag do you simply HAVE to work 6 days a week? I’m thinking purely of your health and the potential harm to you there…

The second you mentioned the mystery illness I recognised that as him seeing another woman and needing an excuse to fanny you about with when he would see the kids/pay less childcare.
I'd bet there is no mystery illness.