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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The next chapter

336 replies

Bluebeanbag · 25/05/2023 16:50

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 29/11/2023 01:29

I think @RandomMess has nailed itSmile

I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines.

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/11/2023 01:36

No need to tell his solicitor to tell your STBX that you won't communicate with his mother.

Just don't communicate with his mother, that's all.

You may be amazed how much headspace this frees up. You simply ignore anything she sends/says.
(Although I personally like to read anything like that, just to see how their mind works, but I have much practice in being detached, cynical, and amused.)

SortingItOut · 29/11/2023 06:25

Bluebeanbag · 28/11/2023 23:19

Yes, I see what you are saying. I have just been reading up about pension sharing in divorce and it looks bloody complicated. It's likely to cost a fair whack in solicitors fees 😑

Hopefully he will offer you a cash settlement using the money he has from the sale of the house rather than give up his actual pension unless of course you would like the pension ready for retirement (depends what your pension looks like or whether you need more cash now).

RandomMess · 29/11/2023 06:28

@wildwestpioneer a disabled parent doesn't have maintenance enforced by CMS.

billy1966 · 29/11/2023 06:38

Wishing you well. Please take the excellent advice above.

Less is more.
Communicate directly with solicitors and get every penny you can for the boys.
Agree nothing offside.

Your ex is the scum of the earth.
He cares nothing for you or your boys.
His soul concern is money and screwing you over.
It always has been thus.
Believe nothing from him.
Everything through legal channels.

You can do this.
You will get through this.
You ARE getting through this.
You are so much stronger than last year.
Remember that.

You HAVE got this.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 29/11/2023 07:12

@SortingItOut from what I read last night, I think we have to get a specialist report done in order to figure out how much our pensions would be worth when drawing them, not just the cash value because that can be very different.

Still not sure what my next move should be. I told his mum on Tuesday that I would think about withdrawing my claim to his pension, simply because she blindsided me a bit and it was all very emotional. I'm also currently off sick and really not well so it wasn't the best moment for her to talk to me about it. I'm sure she will have communicated our conversation with him and he will probably be waiting for me to make the next move (because he doesn't want to instruct his solicitor to do ANYTHING since it costs him money).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/11/2023 08:44

Tell him to get his pensions valued because he's going to need it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Perhaps email the response about financials being done via his solicitor due to his verbal and written abuse.

I assume he has a solicitor already? In which case you could write direct to his solicitor and cc. him saying that you will now only deal with the solicitor due to his recent verbal abuse of both you and his mother and that your initial financial agreement was under duress and when he had undervalued his pension and that he had agreed to pay maintenance.

RandomMess · 29/11/2023 08:59

Also court agreed maintenance isn't enforceable after the year!

TheShellBeach · 29/11/2023 10:38

Absolutely keep your communications with him only via your solicitor.

If he contacts you, tell him firmly that that's how you're proceeding.

He only wants to deal with you directly because he knows how capable he is of manipulating you.

Do not discuss any of this with his mother, no matter how sorry you are for her.

A simple "contact my solicitor about this" every single time he communicates is essential.

You're so used to his nonsense. Time to let him see that he hasn't got the upper hand any more.

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/11/2023 16:55

You told his mother you would think about it. And you have.

You are under no obligation to inform her that you have now thought about it, and under no obligation to tell her what you have ended up deciding.

Henceforth you are communicating with only with him, and only via solicitor. (That is the plan, isn't it?)

You are doing well BrewBrew

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 29/11/2023 22:54

Yes, that is the plan. I spoke to her on the phone earlier and she didn't mention our conversation about the pensions etc. I will probably not say anything further to her unless she brings it up again, in which case I will tell her that I really value her support but that I don't want to discuss our financial settlement with her.

@RandomMess I didn't quite understand what you meant here - Also court agreed maintenance isn't enforceable after the year!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/11/2023 06:39

After a year he can stop paying maintenance and revert to CMS, you would then have to go back to court to ask them to reassess maintenance and they would look at his circumstances at that time etc.

So if he can afford to go back to court I would rely on the private maintenance agreement. Double check with your solicitor but ultimately my understanding is that they can stop and go to CMS instead.

billy1966 · 30/11/2023 08:57

@RandomMess is a consistent source of excellent advice on these matters on threads.

I recall posts over the years where posters have written of nasty ExH's agreeing one thing to finalise the divorce to their advantage and then taking all steps necessary to change their circumstances to revert to a basic CM.
Liars every one.
Believe nothing from him.
He is completely without decency.

Remember the earlier posts on your first thread where women deeply regret being screwed over, or the impact their father screwing over their mother, had on the family finances?

You have done so well, come so far, this is the last bit.

Get every penny for your boys from this horror.

RandomMess · 30/11/2023 09:49

Wouldn't rely on court ordered maintenance!

billy1966 · 30/11/2023 10:01

Absolutely true!!! Further wisdom@RandomMess 😄

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 01/12/2023 00:02

Thanks for clarifying @RandomMess

Maintenance was never going to be part of our financial order. I had always intended to go through the CMS. A friend irl going through similar has advised me to apply for a notice of variation with the CMS whereby they can look into savings and investments etc. However, I'm not sure, if he has no income, whether this would even be applicable.

Things with his DM have been much better today. I spoke to her DH and told him that I really appreciated their offers of support but that the financial settlement was between us and, in the nicest possible way, I didn't want to discuss it further with them. He seemed to accept this.

STBXH was playing some tricks trying to surreptitiously arrange to pick up the DC directly from school tomorrow so that they wouldn't go back to his DM's. He is wanting to stop her seeing them as much now because I guess she has upset him by refusing his demands not to engage with me! I keep wondering how far he will go in all this.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/12/2023 00:46

@Bluebeanbag do you have any idea what he pays his previous exes?

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 02/12/2023 09:21

His DC from his previous relationship are both adults now but at the time, I remember arguments with his exW because she wanted to go through the CMS and he wanted a private arrangement. I think he ended up paying around £120 for them 😱

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/12/2023 19:03

£120?
A month, presumably?
What a tightwad.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 03/12/2023 17:46

That's correct. I remember there being an argument about the amount. His ex wanted more (understandably). He told me at the time that we were too poor and he couldn't afford to pay her any more and I believed him. Obviously I can see now that this was bs.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 03/12/2023 22:12

@Bluebeanbag theres a very relevant guest post on mumsnet atm by Lisa Hilder, I think it would be worth your while to read it. It’s about abusive men and the legal system and offers useful practical advice.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 03/12/2023 22:44

Ah thanks, I haven't seen it. I'll take a look.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 19/12/2023 23:03

So I received a letter from an 'associate' at my solicitor's today enclosing a letter from STBXH's solicitor which they received on the 29th November.

To try and be brief; he says he will not renegotiate our financial agreement and will make an application to show cause unless I agree to file the Consent Order and D81 at court.

The solicitor who wrote back to me said that I now need to make an application for a financial remedy, as I no longer want to uphold the terms of the agreement, before which I should seek Counsel's opinion. She has also quoted that this will all cost potentially £5-10k.

I was under the impression that the whole agreement was still a working document as it has not been filed at court and we were waiting on exH's disclosure of his pension figure.

I clearly need to speak to my solicitor but I'm feeling really confused and not a little pissed off.

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 20/12/2023 19:04

Blimey, no wonder you’re pissed off

💐 for you

If you pay to make this happen (£5 - 10k, really?) will it be worth it for you?

How has it taken so long for you to find out about this from 29th November? I’d be pissed off about that too

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 20/12/2023 21:20

@TeapotCollection I only found out about this yesterday. And now they want an urgent decision from me.

I don't see how I can pursue it because the cost is just going to outweigh any financial gain. I think the only thing I can do is lodge the paperwork at court and hope that I get a judge who is willing to read between the lines.

OP posts: