The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

@Bluebeanbag have you tried posting on the legal board on here and see what is suggested?

Thanks @TheShellBeach I've just posted.

@Bluebeanbag they may WANT an urgent decision but try not to let that panic you into a ‘knee jerk’ reaction. You can talk it through with your lawyer surely? Having sat down quietly yourself and thought about it, listened to the advice you’ll get on the legal board, but don’t be rushed.

@goody2shooz I've definitely got used to waiting for the emotion to pass before reacting to anything. I've emailed the solicitors office to try and get a telephone appointment to discuss it.

I'm in a bit of a dark place right now. I keep crying and becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. I feel like I should be happy and relieved but I feel so abandoned and alone, despite having the support of many wonderful friends.

Bitter regret seems to be the overriding feeling at the moment. Why did I stay with him for all those years? Why was I such an idiot that I couldn't see what he was doing? How do I protect the kids from his manipulation? How do I even fight against someone like this who seems to be able to avoid any accountability in his life? I hate him with every fibre of my soul and I hate that I hate him. I wish I could feel completely indifferent.

I miss my step daughters and their children. They have a round of birthdays this month and their pictures on social media just make me realise how much they've all grown and changed and moved on without me.

Sorry. Bit of a pity party rant today. This too shall pass.

@Bluebeanbag Darling, listen.

It's been 27 years since I escaped the clutches of my ex. He is now an embittered old man, living alone, and his children basically ignore him. The youngest will have nothing to do with him.

I've advised our daughter to keep lines of communication open with him, because he inherited a huge sum of money, and he is quite capable of leaving it to someone or something random.

I understand your feelings of hatred. I went through that. Channel the feelings to keep yourself going.

Get some good legal advice. If you need a credit card or bank loan to pay for it, get one.

Do not let your husband's absent moral compass affect the boys. Fight for them. Your bloke is expecting you to give up. Please don't. You've come a long way, on a difficult journey.

Thank you.

Hello @Bluebeanbag how are you doing? Your threads were shared with me on my thread as inspiraton and reassurance. I've just been down a rabbit hole reading all your posts - and I really hope you are doing ok. You're amazing. You did the hard thing so many of us are trying to do. Divorce is terrifying - and it's a conondrum that the reason it's so hard to leave (because you know they will punish you for it - whatever way they can) - is exactly the reason you must leave - because that says so much about them. You are suffering financially becuase he wants revenge more than he wants stability for you and his children

I really hope you're ok. whatever you decided to do about the financial order. i also didn't think that was binding until a judge had agreed to it. £10k to dispute it when you agreed it on false terms around the pension. what utter BS. but whether you're fighting it or you've walked away - honestly, fuck him, and you know you have your integrity and strength and you are the rock for you kids - and that is all that matters. Hope you're ok from this internet stranger just at the start of this terryfing road x

@MoaningMartyr thanks for your lovely message. I got some good advice from my solicitor. She said just sit tight. I have nothing to hide and the onus is on him to update the paperwork before it goes to the court. So I'm still waiting for a response from him at the moment. I don't think he will want to go to court but we shall see.

Fingers crossed for you on your journey. It is arduous and long but so SO worth it in the end. I realised today that I have hardly thought about exH for a few days now. I'm focused on my life with my children and he is slowly disappearing into the background.

In other news, I just got a message from the mum of DC2s friend to say that DC2 has been messaging his friends about his dad's 'girlfriend'.

In other news, I just got a message from the mum of DC2s friend to say that DC2 has been messaging his friends about his dad's 'girlfriend'

Well that didn't take long!

Predictable. Maybe she'll have yet another baby to add to his collection of children.

Update! Seems that DC2 was messing about and it wasn't true about him having a girlfriend. He has recently got his first phone and he was using predictive text to write a message to his friend! Lol. Got all excited that the heat would be off me for a minute there.

Damn.

Z

Wow @Bluebeanbag I’ve just read your two threads over the last couple of days and it’s captivating reading. I’m in total awe of you. I’ll be honest I was hoping to get to the end to find out that your divorce was finalised and that you had been able to put this awful saga behind you……… but I’ll be following this thread with interest hoping to hear that update in the very near future. I hope that you had a lovely Mother’s Day with your boys yesterday x

@Bluebeanbag do hope you’re doing okay, and hopefully much better than okay 💐

@Causewerethespecialtwo thank you.

There has been no news on the divorce front since my last update. My solicitor wrote to his in January to say we expect them to update their D81 to reflect the current situation, with regard to the finances and childcare. We have heard nothing since, despite his previous threats of court action.

Neither have I heard anything from the CMS regarding my notice of variation which was put in at the same time.

Time to start chasing on both fronts.

I am starting to find bits of myself and feel things again. Last weekend was the most relaxed I have felt since all of this began. I'm doing some bits of exercise and finding I can eat more healthily.

It's only now that I'm realising how cut off from all my emotions I have been. Even though I knew in my mind it was all horrifically painful, it's like I had this barrier of numbness up to shield me from some of the actual feelings. It's hard to explain. I thought processing involved talking it through but I can talk about it in a completely detached way. The feeling bit seems to happen most often when I'm listening to music but it is finally starting to happen.

Thank you for the check-ins 😊.

@Bluebeanbag glad things are gradually easing for you - even if the git is playing silly buggers, good to hear you are finallly relaxing. Definitely time to release the dogs and give your solicitor free rein to push hard.
If only to allow you to finally recover yourself and feel free.

Here we go again....ExH's step dad has called me this morning asking to come round on Friday to 'discuss things'. Apparently he and exH's mum have been 'banned' from exH's house. They were told this on Easter Sunday.

I have no idea what it is about or what has happened. We are almost non contact other than the odd text about picking up or dropping off the kids. Literally nothing has happened as far as me and the DC are concerned. I feel like he just needs to stir the drama pot again. Not helpful to my healing journey which was actually starting to finally take shape this weekend!

This has nothing to do with you, make that clear to them. Nothing for you to discuss. He is EXH.

That's exactly how I feel! I don't know what they expect me to do. None of this has anything to do with me, although I'm sure he will make it come back to me in some way.

It is not your problem, so you do nothing!

Wow.
It's actually outrageous that they are asking you to intervene.
Just ignore them, @Bluebeanbag and carry on healing
How are the boys?

Yes, I am quite shocked that they are coming to me with this. I will update on what it was all about following Friday's 'meeting'. I have to say that I do feel at least better emotionally equipped to deal with it than I did a year ago.

The boys are doing well. ExH is still trying his best to score maximum 'best dad' points with them but I am just trying to ignore and continue doing what I know and believe is right by them. It does unsettle me a bit because I feel like he will 'win' them over eventually but I keep trying trust myself and it's helping to reduce that panic.

They seem generally very settled and content. I do regularly check in with them about arrangements with dad but they keep assuring me that they are happy with the way things are.

I think you say that you have absolutely no influence over your ExH and that really the only contact (and minimally at that) is to do with the logistics and welfare of your children.

Very sorry but the in laws will need to make whatever arrangements they can directly with him or, sadly, accept that this is the situation he is driving now that that you're unable to give them any assistance and anything you did would be seen as interference by him.

Your focus is now on moving forward in your own life and supporting your DC now and in the future. Stay strong OP! 🌹

I wonder if it's more than he has banned contact with the grandchildren by banning them from his house. Would you be willing to facilitate contact between grandparents and grandchildren, and would your DCs want that?

EDIT - my mother made sure she always had contact with her GC and DIls even when it meant the relationship with her son(s) was put in jeopardy. It was mainly phonecalls but now the GC are grown up they remember her with great fondness esp over how she was always kind to their own mother. She refused to get in-between son and wife disagreements, but was always there for the grandchildren.

My bro agreed a lump sum payoff which safeguards against any future chasing of assets. You said he has £100000 left over from equity in sale of family home. Would he perhaps be open to giving you a lump sum instead of pension share if this sum is large enough ( one way of taking back some equity he took)?