The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

@Newestname002 thanks, good point about him seeing it as interference.

@Pixiedust1234 I already facilitate contact between them and the DC, and I think this may be where the issue lies. During term time, they do the school run for DS2 for me 2 days per week and on one of those nights DS1 also goes back to theirs for dinner. I know exH resents this as he sees it as his parents providing ME with free childcare.

I am a bit cross about how PIL have handled it though. Ringing me two days before wanting to meet, and then not giving any details about what the problem is has left me panicking.

Ohhhh okay. Yeah, their dad really is a peach then. I'm sorry - just when you think you are slowly inching away then BAM! Good luck for Friday, I'll be thinking of you

@Opentooffers well, you might think so, but he will fight to the death for every penny and won't willingly give up anything for compromise.

@Pixiedust1234 thank you 🤞🏻 I'm trying to forget about it for now.

Good lord, when I think he can't stoop any lower, he always manages it.

So the whole Easter 'ban' was because exMIL and FIL decided to drop of the GC's Easter eggs at my house and then stayed for a coffee, rather than taking them to his on the Sunday.

They were going to take me and the DC out for lunch next week but they have decided to postpone it because exH is kicking off about them seeing me in a social capacity. He was worried about me being upset and didn't want to tell me over the phone.

Every day I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to engage in this rubbish any more. Hallelujah! Feeling strong today 💪🏼 😊

Wow, what a plonker.
A very, very childish plonker, too.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Oh good grief. So he's punishing his children AND his parents because you offered them a coffee 😳

I wonder what will happen once the grandchildren are young adults and their son can no longer emotional blackmail his own parents. I sincerely hope they go NC on him. What a grade A twat.

@Pixiedust1234 unfortunately I don't think it's ever likely. His mother continually makes excuses for his behaviour, although I think at heart she does recognise it as unreasonable. It's always just dismissed with 'that's just how he is'. Everyone in the family has the same attitude except exFIL who despises him, but tolerates him for the sake of his own marriage and peace.

@Bluebeanbag I've just read through all your posts from the very beginning again. I hope you can see how far you have come and how many women you have helped (and will continue to help) on their journey too.

You come across as a lovely, amazing person and your boys are so so lucky to have you as their mum and the stable and loving adult in their lives. You must be a fabulous friend too.

I hope you can untangle yourself as much and as quick as possible from that absolute horror of a stbexh. Stay strong Bluey, you've got this ❤️

@Fannyfiggs what a lovely message! Thank you. I really value the support I have had on here and your message has really made me smile. I can't read the threads back through myself, I still find it so raw, but when I think where I was a year ago - still trying to move out - I can see how much progress I have made, and I DO feel proud (a bit of an alien feeling for me).

Little update. Been back on the rollercoaster over the past few weeks after a period of calm.

Bumped into DSD2 at her dad's house when I was picking up the DC last weekend. First time we'd seen each other since the split (nearly 2 years now 😱) It was very emotional but she clearly also wanted to keep her distance.

Long story short, she decided today that she wanted me to explain my decisions about how I've been progressing the divorce. I engaged in a conversation with her because she had some questions about why it was taking so long and why I went back to the solicitors after everything had been agreed.

Throughout her messages I could just hear exH's voice. I imagine he has been using her as an emotional crutch and venting to her and as a result she is now quite accusatory. By the end I had to say that I was finding the conversation too difficult and that I didn't believe that I had done anything wrong in the way I have handled things.

It's opened up so much grief for me because I was stupidly hoping that we could forge some kind of new relationship in time, but now I can see that because he is so heavily leaning on her, she won't want to be a part in my life.

I know that letting the 'flying monkeys' go is all part of the process but we have both been a huge part of each others lives for over 18 years and it really hurts.

Hugs that sounds very painful

Thanks @RandomMess

I keep thinking should I go back and try to fix things with her, but I know that's what the old me would have done and it will only prolong the agony for both of us. It really does feel the same as when someone dies.

Don't do that. Just no.

It'll be too painful. She'll have been listening to him for all this time.

You need to let this go.

@TheShellBeach yup. I feel terrible for her too. What a shit thing for him to do to his kid. She's filling the emotional role that I was playing when we were together.

Ouch, that must have been so painful for you. A girl you loved for so long and miss dearly. Unfortunately it was inevitable that she would end up buying a lot of her Dad’s bullshit. The only thing you can do is to keep away from her. Maybe as she gets older and wiser she will look back and see things more clearly and understand the kind of man her Father is. Sending a hug to you.

Thanks @Causewerethespecialtwo

I keep worrying that he will try it with the DC and there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. I am trying to build their gut instinct for things but without talking badly about him. It's so tricky.

Keep reading "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"

Age appropriate truth is not bad mouthing.

When something untrue comes out of their mouths challenge it - "oh, does that sound like the type I think I would do/say?"

Or some lie making Ex wonderful/generous "Oh, that isn't something I have your Dad do or say, what do you think"

You don't have to disagree with what the actually think unless it's very untrue/wrong, even then a challenge should be gentle "oh, I'm not sure I understand why you think/believe that tell me more"

It's all about helping them develop critical thinking and being resistant to being gaslit.

Absolutely agree with @RandomMess

“Age appropriate truth is not bad mouthing”

It is totally fine to give your version of events in an age appropriate way, without bad mouthing their Dad. Don’t keep quiet whilst allowing him to spout his warped version to the boys. If you are not counteracting his version, then they are more likely to believe his bullshit.

Unfortunately your ex step-daughter only gets her Dad’s version of events. It’s totally different for your boys. And the older they get and experience more of life and relationships, the more they will understand the situation. They will clearly see that you were the consistent loving parent who provided them with security, unconditional love and always made decisions based purely on their best interests. They may be too young to see it right now but I promise you they will understand when they are a bit older.

It's so sad you have lost the connection with your DSD Bluey.

I got divorced 20 years ago and I still miss my in-laws. They were/are wonderful people and it's awful that, when a relationship breaks down, you lose a whole family.

I don't have any advice for you but Randommess and Specialtwo definitely have that covered.

Sending you strength Bluey ❤️

Thanks everyone. Yes, I had forgotten about that book, thanks for the reminder @RandomMess

It's a bit weird because they don't really talk about what happens at their dad's, beyond what they did with him, so I don't really know what he's telling them.

Equally I don't want to force the subject. I do regularly still check in and ask them if there's anything they are uncomfortable with/want to ask me but they always say everything is fine.

Hmmmm perhaps you need to chat about the are very quiet/withdrawn when they come back and you're concerned about what is troubling them and you know their Dad can say hurtful things. If they tell you anything it won't get back to their Dad or cause arguments between you, that you want to help.

How are you, @Bluebeanbag?
Hope you're okay.

Hi @TheShellBeach 👋 thanks for the check in.
I'm still riding a rollercoaster of emotion. It's amazing how once the dust starts settling, all sorts of other stuff creeps out of the woodwork. You think it will be so much better when you are done 'just surviving', and it is, but the vacuum left behind is so quickly filled by all sorts of other emotional baggage.

I've had some recent contact with my solicitor. She has drafted two letters to go to exH, one asking for documentation to prove his benefits, income and savings and the other stating that our financial settlement is unfair and that we want a lump sum from him to even things out.

I haven't given her the go-ahead to send them yet as I am aware that this will cause an absolute shit storm. He is taking the DC on holiday this week and I don't want to impact his mood whilst he is in a foreign country with them.

I was in two minds whether to even send them or just file the divorce papers at court and let the judge decide. My solicitor advised that if I chose this route, I would run the risk of getting a judge who just approved without questioning it so I've hoisted the big girl pants again and decided to go for it (although I'm still terrified at the prospect).

So I bumped into DSD2 yesterday and we spent a few hours talking over coffee. She feels trapped by the situation and really wants to be able to see me but is terrified of losing her dad if she does. Both her parents have let her down enormously and she has always said that she wished I was her biological mum.

That said, she is also angry that the divorce is taking so long and she holds me responsible for that. I wanted to warn her that it isn't over yet and that he would be getting further letters asking him to provide a lump sum to even things out, but I didn't have the courage to say it to her.

I know she will absolutely hate me for it. She thinks I am walking away from the fight and she is happy about that, because in her mind it will 'allow the dust to settle' and maybe we can have a relationship. I told her that no matter what, he will never be happy for her to see me, fight or no fight.

I'm dreading his return from holiday and the sending of the letters because of the pain it will cause her and his mother.