The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Why does or how would he know if you meet up with her for coffee? Is it a place he would normally frequent or is she telling him, or are you seeing her with the DC too (who might mention it)? It is something that can continue if you both manage the secrecy(?) properly around it. Of course you shouldn't have to but that's the reality of keeping in touch right now. Things will change in a couple of years once the DC are older or she cares less about him.

I also think you need to stop discussing the divorce with her. She is still entwined emotionally and seeing mummy and daddy fighting over something she can never fully understand will always make her say STOP, no matter how old she is. You wouldn't discuss the financial side with DC so don't with her. As for her being angry about the divorce taking so long just shrug your shoulders and say you are following legal advice for the benefit of the dc.

Good luck. Once this is over you need to wash those big girl pants and leave them here for another user. Yours seem to be extra big

@Bluebeanbag so sorry you are feeling so anxious about these relationships, and you’re dreading the potential fallout of these next steps. At the end of the day, you have to do right for your dc, and your ex is the root cause of all of this. None of it is your fault, not that that helps you. The dc, and you, have to be your priority and your relationship with dsd will always be fraught as he will be badmouthing you to all his circle. Once the divorce is finalised you might able to try and mend things but if not, again, that’s on him.

Hi @Bluebeanbag I think you should completely avoid mentioning the divorce and its financial implications with anyone other than your lawyer.

Once things are done and dusted, you can try to repair your relationship with DSD but for the moment, remember that she's possibly telling her dad that you're meeting, and she could let things slip.

And keep reminding yourself that this man has damaged all his children and ex wives.

All of this is his fault. The entire shitshow.

Very, very sound advice as always. Thank you all. Actually it really helps to have anonymous advice from you because people I speak to irl about all this know us all and maybe don't always give such an unbiased view.

I had said to her at the beginning of the conversation that I would speak about the situation between myself and her dad. She has been going through a lot in her own life this year so I said, just tell me about you. For a while that was all we spoke about but then she said she wanted to understand things from my perspective and started asking questions. If there is a next time, I will certainly refuse to talk about it.

😂😂 @Pixiedust1234 the stress of all this is still causing me to lose weight, so the big pants are unfortunately shrinking, but I will certainly wash and leave for the next punter!

Meant to say WOULDN'T speak about the situation.

The letters from my solicitor have now been received by exH. He is spitting feathers. He tried to call me yesterday but I ignored his call. I don't think any kind of conversation would have happened. He just wanted to shout at me, I imagine.

Today he has mucked up arrangements for picking up the DC on Friday (to be difficult and get back at me) and has made sure I won't see DS2 before he does (DS2 is away on a school trip this week). I am trying to remain unruffled.

I can't believe how much further on I am in dealing with all this stuff. I have been hugely anxious the past couple of days but I am able to calm myself more easily now. Such a difference! KOKO

No matter what you do he will find a way to punish you. Even if you jumped through hoops to appease him he would still find a way to punish you. After all he did that throughout your married life even before you realised. So well done for pushing through that fear. What's that saying? May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Jeez what an arse he is Beanie. I can't believe you're still having to deal with all this. I know it might not feel like it sometimes but you are amazingly strong and focused. I take my hat off to you. Many a good woman would have crumbled under the stress of it all but you've pulled yourself up and kept going. You are a queen and don't you forget it 👑 ❤️

Stay strong, you are an inspiration to us all.
(if it weren't for you I'm not sure my husband would be leaving tomorrow, thank you thank you thank you 💐)

You're doing just fine!
He is just a complete arsehole.

@SoonToBePinocchiosExWife I'm glad my experience could help you. Best of luck for today! 💐

@Bluebeanbag well done you 🔥🔥 he really is a brute, but @Pixiedust1234 nailed it!

Cheering you on @Bluebeanbag

This too shall pass ❤️

Wishing you the best and most peaceful day ever 🍾

Wow, What did I just read! what a journey! @Bluebeanbag you are a true inspiration. Thank you for documenting your split on these threads, it has certainly opened my eyes to what is ahead of me. Your strength and determination are so admirable. I am cheering you on!

When I split from my first EXH we had no assets, and although he did try to control me via my DS and enjoyed withholding CM to punish me... divorce was easy. This time round it will be a battle. but you have shown me that I can do this. Thank you!

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays thank you for your kind message. Cheering right back at you! 💐

Little bit of an update. We are creeping towards a resolution of sorts. He has agreed to pay a lump sum to even things out a bit (nothing like 50/50 but probably as good as I'm going to get).

His solicitor has updated the D81 accordingly, but has also changed the wording to say that we have 50/50 care of the children, so I need to speak to my solicitor again to say that this needs to be changed.

Today I messaged him to ask for a contribution to school uniforms - bill came to over £400 because they are both moving up to different schools. He said obviously he would normally contribute, but because I have 'taken' the lump sum and because this has gone on so long and solicitors fees are astronomical, he has to 'budget more carefully'. I'm so angry and I really want to bite back but I know there's no point.

I am glad that you are a step further forward but my god, your ex gives me the rage so I can't imagine how you must feel.

Think nice, peaceful thoughts and it could be worse, you could still be married to the twat ❤️

@Bluebeanbag what can we say?! Just sending hugs and solidarity. He is one mean sob though. HE has to budget more carefully??? And whose fault is it that the lawyers fees are so high? Grrrr. Hope someone comes along soon with a smart ass reply that would get blood out of this ugly stone.

I know. There's nothing anyone can say. I suppose I just needed to vent. I think the most frustrating thing is that I can't tell the DC what he's up to.

@Bluebeanbag why can’t you tell them the truth in age appropriate terms? At the right time obvs but he should’nt get away scot free with being such an utter fucktrumpet.

I don't know. I'm really worried that they will think I'm trying to turn them against him and then it will backfire on me.

I have told them some bits and pieces. I forewarned them when I was going to start the fight for the extra money, because one of my close friends said that if I didn't explain my part there would be a vacuum for him to fill with whatever nonsense he wanted to.

I also had to explain something yesterday as DC2 asked why his nan wasn't going to be at his birthday celebration at exH's house. The reason was because she and her husband have been banned from his house since Easter, due to the fact that they delivered their Easter eggs for the DC to my house instead of his.

It seems like most people in the family just brush off this behaviour with the line, 'it's just the way he is', and I think the DC are inclined to do the same.

@Bluebeanbag they'll understand when they're older, don't worry.

My children are all adults now, and they really get it now. But they were too young at the time, to understand what a bastard their dad was.

As adults, though - yes, they know.

@Bluebeanbag your friend is quite right re that vacuum he’ll be only too happy to fill, and if it it becomes the norm to brush it aside as ‘it’s just him’. No no no. Factual explanations, no whitewashing or gentle excuses.