Page 9 | To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

Hop27 · 2023-05-21T10:26:19+00:00

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try. Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

Lotusflower16 · 21/05/2023 15:12

MayThe4th · 21/05/2023 14:53

People need to RTFT.

A, the OP has a medical condition which makes it virtually impossible to conceive. The fact she has been through IVF four times now, presumably to the tune of about £40k and has had no success is testament to that fact. No amount of donor eggs or leaving to have IVF with a sperm donor is going to change that fact or give the baby.

This would have been the case whether they’d started ttc at 26 or 36, and the reality is that the OP could have left earlier if she’d wanted a baby. It’s not unreasonable to set goals before ttc.

For the people suggesting adoption, this is nothing like having a baby of your own. Many people choose to adopt because they want to be parents, but it’s not a substitute for having a baby, and the OP clearly wants her own baby. Added to which adoption is a gruelling process. We’re talking years here,

Exactly this!
People assume all sorts of things because they have no idea what IVF means in terms of timing!

IVF is not the magic fix and no, having good quality eggs or sperm doesn't guarantee you a child. Getting and staying pregnant is more than that!

OP, I sympathize with you as a fellow IVFer. My question is the same I was being asked when I started the journey: are you willing to sacrifice your marriage to pursue your dream of having a baby? Is a baby more important than your husband? Do you feel your relationship should continue? Is there any way your husband would change his mind and what are the reasons he refuses to do another round?

I am so sorry you are going through this! It's really shit!

Sorrynotsorry2 · 21/05/2023 15:13

Phos · 21/05/2023 11:40

He’s already got a child. Unlikely.

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Not always the case . I've been through Ivf 4 times and although it didn't work for me. There were fertility issues on both sides even though my husband already had a child.

Op I feel for you. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. Keep lines of communication open if you can. But if your not on the same page about having children then you either need to leave or come to a compromise your both happy with .

Sorry your going through this.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:14

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 21/05/2023 15:09

There has been a noticeable shift in MN etiquette. It used to be considered the height of rudeness to conduct an advanced search on a poster’s history and bring up the content of their previous posts, even if pp deemed it relevant. It now seems to be the norm and I have seen it on several threads in the last few days.

I am glad I got into a habit of very frequently name-changing.

I've been on MN for well over a decade and this has always been a thing.

And is actually useful in this case as it turns out telling the OP to give her DH ultimatums, that he is cruel and selfish and that if she keeps trying she will get pregnant because some person with difference circumstances did is actually not appropriate given the back history here.

PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 15:14

rwalker · 21/05/2023 11:29

The difficulty is there will always be one last try then another then another

was this ever discussed or presumed kept going till it works

Exactly this. When I started IVF we were told it’s like gambling. ‘May be the next time will be the one.’ It was suggested to us that we decided before we started how many goes we were going to have and stick to it no matter what.

Bearpawk · 21/05/2023 15:14

Op this sounds so tough for you. But you can't force him to keep trying; it's not fair on him. If you leave and go it alone it sounds like you have very slim chances.
I don't know what the answer is but I hope you can get some help to see you through this stage.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 15:16

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 14:40

42 isn't too old...!

I have two stories for you:

Couple number 1, couldn't conceive, plenty of money (they both earned high 5 figure salaries) so went down the IVF route. Fertility tests showed they both had fertility issues. Very poor sperm and egg quality. After 8 rounds of unsuccessful IVF, he had enough and couldn't cope with the emotional turmoil each time it failed, so said he was happy with just the two of them. She was heartbroken at his decision and wanted to keep trying. She made the decision to leave him. She has since gone on to have an IVF baby on her own, and used a donor egg.
Couple number 2 - had one miscarriage but just couldn't conceive again. Tried for 15 years. Tests showed his sperm count was "ok". They couldn't afford IVF. She was 43 and just assumed the fertility was her fault as she was too old. They ended up splitting up (he blamed her for the infertility) so she had a fling with this guy. Didn't use protection as she thought she was infertile. She found herself pregnant a month later!

So you do have options, but if your OH has decided he doesn't want to try any more, then you will have to do this alone, and at 42 you need to make that decision NOW. Perhaps some sperm/egg combinations are just not compatible?

Have you had testing done to find out the quality of your eggs?

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The problem is her uterus and embryos implanting in it.

Justsomehousestuff · 21/05/2023 15:18

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 12:16

Please can I give you some life advice. Keep your unsolicited comments about adoption or fostering to yourself when you read a thread from a 42 year old woman struggling with IVF and perhaps coming to terns with not being a mother. Thank you.

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Very well said.

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 15:19

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:12

Have you actually read the thread ffs. The OP has medical conditions which impact her fertility and is emotionally fragile. I suggest reading the full thread before deciding how helpful this is.

I like most people was not 'happy to give up' I was utterly and absolutely devastated. That doesn't change biological realities though.

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Yes, I have read the full thread. The OP has posted 4 times. I cannot see anywhere that the OP mentions any medical conditions in this thread.

To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

MayThe4th · 21/05/2023 15:19

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 21/05/2023 15:09

There has been a noticeable shift in MN etiquette. It used to be considered the height of rudeness to conduct an advanced search on a poster’s history and bring up the content of their previous posts, even if pp deemed it relevant. It now seems to be the norm and I have seen it on several threads in the last few days.

I am glad I got into a habit of very frequently name-changing.

It is disingenuous to post a thread with so little information that you know that people are going to jump to tell you what you want to hear.

The fact that the OP has a medical condition which makes conception almost unlikely is relevant when we talk about the fact that she has had numerous IVF cycles and attempted suicide after the last one after which they mutually decided to stop.

If the OP had posted all of that at the beginning of the thread the responses would have been vastly different from the “your dh strung you along for sixteen years and clearly never wanted a baby and is a selfish swine for not wanting to try and try again, all you need to do is leave and you can have your longed-for baby,” posts.

adviceneeded1990 · 21/05/2023 15:20

beeskipa · 21/05/2023 11:34

I hate this narrative that men are the gatekeepers, 'denying' women something they want or benevolently doling out children. He has every single right to not want to continue with IVF, he has every right to say "We tried and it hasn't worked and I no longer want to try". Yes, it sucks, but not because he's a big meanie who won't just do what OP wants. Because his completely valid feelings about the stress and expense and timing of IVF have changed and OP's haven't.

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If neither person has children, I agree. But I think stopping or wanting to stop in this case is far easier for him as he has a child already. It’s the OP who is looking at a childless life having already waited until he was ready to start trying.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 15:21

MayThe4th · 21/05/2023 14:53

People need to RTFT.

A, the OP has a medical condition which makes it virtually impossible to conceive. The fact she has been through IVF four times now, presumably to the tune of about £40k and has had no success is testament to that fact. No amount of donor eggs or leaving to have IVF with a sperm donor is going to change that fact or give the baby.

This would have been the case whether they’d started ttc at 26 or 36, and the reality is that the OP could have left earlier if she’d wanted a baby. It’s not unreasonable to set goals before ttc.

For the people suggesting adoption, this is nothing like having a baby of your own. Many people choose to adopt because they want to be parents, but it’s not a substitute for having a baby, and the OP clearly wants her own baby. Added to which adoption is a gruelling process. We’re talking years here,

Her condition doesn't make it impossible to conceive.

However her age coupled with the fact that she has been trying for years makes it very unlikely that she will conceive and even if she conceives has a successful outcome.

I have the same condition and have a child, someone I know with the same condition cannot conceive and was checked out younger than I had my child.

tigger2022 · 21/05/2023 15:22

OP I think you should take medical advice on this thread (either the over-optimistic or -pessimistic) with a pinch of salt… only trust your doctor for that

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 15:22

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:07

This is another read the full thread thing although I appreciate there are probably some cross posts

Turns out the OP tried to commit suicide after the last round failed and at that point they mutually decided enough was enough.

The DH didn't make her wait 16 years, they have been married 16 years and its 3 years since the last round at least.

It sounds less like he can't be bothered and more like he is trying to look out for a wife he loves.

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Oh right 😣 Thanks for letting me know the context.

Such a sad situation. Sorry OP

Givemes · 21/05/2023 15:22

Betterbear · 21/05/2023 11:52

Not quite sure why your dh gets all the sympathy here. I have been through ivf and the woman suffers the brunt. Anything the male experiences is minimal indeed incomparison, so yes he is definitely selfish.

I agree with this. Plus why would those people assume that he wanted to stop because he could not bear the emotional tolls ? I doubt if he is invested in the whole IVF thing apart from the cost, considering he wanted to put off ttc with OP for long time. So, obviously, having a kid is not that important for him from the beginning. He might simply take this as a business decision --- too much money and 0 outcome.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/05/2023 15:23

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 21/05/2023 15:09

There has been a noticeable shift in MN etiquette. It used to be considered the height of rudeness to conduct an advanced search on a poster’s history and bring up the content of their previous posts, even if pp deemed it relevant. It now seems to be the norm and I have seen it on several threads in the last few days.

I am glad I got into a habit of very frequently name-changing.

Thing is though, OP has left out key information. A condition that affects fertility and makes it extremely difficult to conceive. The fact that they decided to stop IVF after she tried to kill herself. Both relevant, as people are encouraging her to go it alone.

user1492757084 · 21/05/2023 15:23

You can afford it so keep trying but be nice to each other.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/05/2023 15:24

He might simply take this as a business decision --- too much money and 0 outcome.

Or maybe after she tried to kill herself, he thought enough was enough. I certainly would have.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:24

towriteyoumustlive · 21/05/2023 15:19

Yes, I have read the full thread. The OP has posted 4 times. I cannot see anywhere that the OP mentions any medical conditions in this thread.

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Oh I see you are just ignoring the other posters comments. As you were then talking about people happily giving up as if that's a reasonable phrase to use and as if it will provide the OP with any help at all. You do you and all that.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 15:25

Givemes · 21/05/2023 15:22

I agree with this. Plus why would those people assume that he wanted to stop because he could not bear the emotional tolls ? I doubt if he is invested in the whole IVF thing apart from the cost, considering he wanted to put off ttc with OP for long time. So, obviously, having a kid is not that important for him from the beginning. He might simply take this as a business decision --- too much money and 0 outcome.

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I'm pretty sure there is significant emotional toll when your wife tries to commit suicide. But sure it's obviously just about money for him because men right? 🙄

Reugny · 21/05/2023 15:27

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/05/2023 15:23

Thing is though, OP has left out key information. A condition that affects fertility and makes it extremely difficult to conceive. The fact that they decided to stop IVF after she tried to kill herself. Both relevant, as people are encouraging her to go it alone.

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I've reported the thread because of it.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 15:28

user1492757084 · 21/05/2023 15:23

You can afford it so keep trying but be nice to each other.

Please read the thread.

There is no point in the OP continuing to try.

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 15:28

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 14:55

The OPs chance of getting pregnant with her own eggs and ivf is around 5%, with her complicating conditions is even lower.

It is cruel to tell someone trying to come to terms with their infertility all about random 'success' stories of other people with completely different medical conditions.

Stories like these are why I eventually had a coil fitted. Partly because of the reduced risk of cancer with my condition and partly because I could not take 10+ years of getting my hopes up every time my period was a day late because someone's aunties neighbours best friend had IVF which didn't work and then they went on holiday and relaxed and voila were pregnant.

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I am glad you posted that. Because I sat here as a childless not through choice 53 year old wondering how that was going to make OP feel better. It is as insensitive as the poster who wondered if OP had thought about adoption..

BreatheAndFocus · 21/05/2023 15:28

I think he should make some reasonable concessions to you due to the fact it was him who wanted to delay things. Because of that, you’re older than ideal. So, could you talk to him and find out exactly why he wants to stop IVF. Encourage him to be completely honest and don’t react whatever he says. You can then take a few days to think about what he said before giving any response (or making any plans).

42 is older but it’s not too old. I know a number of people who conceived naturally in their 40s. So it depends what’s the cause of the infertility. Your chances are reduced for IVF with your own eggs, but you can pay extra for pre-emplantation screening and assisted fertilisation (can’t remember the acronym, but they basically insert the sperm into the egg).

You have options. You could also use donor sperm and/or egg. A friend did that and got pregnant at 46 via IVF. Nothing’s guaranteed, but could you negotiate a limited number of further tries with him with a strict endpoint and detailed steps?

PriamFarrl · 21/05/2023 15:28

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:18

@Aprilx There is more than one way to be a mother and sometimes you have to come to terms with not having biological children. That doesnt always have to mean not being a mother.

As someone who has walked a mile in the OPs shoes, DFOD.

People are forever being oh so helpful with their suggestions. Adoption takes a very special kind of person. That person isn’t necessarily someone with fertility problems.

Daisypain · 21/05/2023 15:30

BreatheAndFocus · 21/05/2023 15:28

I think he should make some reasonable concessions to you due to the fact it was him who wanted to delay things. Because of that, you’re older than ideal. So, could you talk to him and find out exactly why he wants to stop IVF. Encourage him to be completely honest and don’t react whatever he says. You can then take a few days to think about what he said before giving any response (or making any plans).

42 is older but it’s not too old. I know a number of people who conceived naturally in their 40s. So it depends what’s the cause of the infertility. Your chances are reduced for IVF with your own eggs, but you can pay extra for pre-emplantation screening and assisted fertilisation (can’t remember the acronym, but they basically insert the sperm into the egg).

You have options. You could also use donor sperm and/or egg. A friend did that and got pregnant at 46 via IVF. Nothing’s guaranteed, but could you negotiate a limited number of further tries with him with a strict endpoint and detailed steps?

Read the thread…..