To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

[Hop27]

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

I am childless. TTC was a total strain on us. One damn try after another. We both felt better after Specialist said to us together. "You need to stop, and realise it won't happen and plan the rest of your lives around what you can do." It lifted a weight from our minds
We did that and built a very good stable life together. Eight years later it fell apart for other reasons.
I do not feel a 2nd class woman because I cannot have children.

If my assumptions above are correct, then if I were in your shoes I think I'd be struggling with feeling like I have sacrificed my fertile years for a man who dangled the carrot and then when he knew it was too late, withdrew it
This⤴️
I think there's a good chance this man knew exactly what he was doing, he agreed to it to keep her sweet but subtly manipulated OP into putting it off until the chances of conceiving were much reduced.
He didn't want the burden of another child but he wanted to keep the advantage of having a partner, so he looked for a way to have his cake and eat it, meaning she gets no cake at all.
I would be down at the disco/down at the gym chatting up all the young studs in the hope that one of them would be able to impregnate me.
(Obviously that's completely unacceptable behaviour in a marriage)

People aren't calling the OP emotionally manipulative or telling her off for sharing it with her other half. There are posts in response to another poster who suggested an emotionally manipulative way of doing it

But there is a massive difference between the OP saying 'have another round of IVF or I leave you' and explaining her feelings to her DH.

It is also possible though that the DH has tried to have that conversation with the OP, we don't know that.

And there is every chance that in the course of the conversations the DH has realised its not just one more go this once, the OP is going to keep staying on for one more go. And maybe he has seen her own emotional fragility and knows that it also needs to stop for her benefit. We don't know.

However your chances of conceiving with donor eggs are very very high.

It's not accurate or helpful to say this as you know nothing of the OP's medical situation. In many cases, chances aren't 'very very high' and even from the info that has come up on here, it would appear to be not high at all. RTFT.

That's even more unhelpful on a thread where someone is struggling to come to terms with infertility than the adoption post. In fact it's downright cruel.

Whats wrong with that?
He also has a child from a previous relationship. Career goals are very common before children, particularly financially. It’s not unreasonable to set goals like being able to own a home, being able to financially support two kids before you ttc.
I made lots of financial goals before thinking about ttc. It was important for me to own a home, be secure, have everything we needed, could afford statutory mat leave. Those are pretty normal and sensible thoughts.

@tigger2022 you do not need my approval. It's not for me to approve or not, it's selfish in that it was a decision made entirely for your self. That isn't me being mean or judging you, it's just fact. Choices made entirely for the self is selfish, whether we like how that sounds or not.

Mmmm. I think you might be conflating odds with own, and donor, eggs?

OP, this is a miserable place as it sounds like you will have to let go of something in order to move forward with your life? Get counselling on your own to help determine what that thing should be. What will you regret letting go of most in ten years is a good question?

Oh love. That's really hard. I haven't got anything helpful to add really. Only you can decide if he's worth a childless life with, or to go it alone. I'm sorry

Maybe he also desperately wanted a child with the OP but cannot mentally cope with going through such a brutal procedure any more. You could argue that it’s therefore incredibly selfish for the OP to blackmail him - either we try IVF again or I’ll leave you and go it alone -

Career goals are very common before children, particularly financially. It’s not unreasonable to set goals like being able to own a home, being able to financially support two kids before you ttc
Very true, the husband had a great strategy with lots of plausible deniability ☝🏻👀

@Inkypot
But everyone who chooses to have children (unlike accident, rape etc), because they want to. Normally and in nature that's two people who want to, but they are still doing it because they want it. (And that's preferable to not wanting children, but having them to please grandparents or pass on the family surname etc.)
I'm a SMC with 2DCs and pregnant with my third. All have same donor for sperm. I'm not offended by your views (although not really sure how they are going to help OP), but I think they miss the point. Virtually all planned pregnancies are "selfish" in the way you understand selfishness.

This 'ultimatum' should have been set 7 years ago

He obviously never really wanted another kid and strung you along and called it "wanting to reach milestones"

But what i dont understand is why you would let yourself be strung along for so many years .. knowing that the door for pregnancy was being pushed closed bit by bit every year.

This blame doesn't all fall on him in all honesty.

I'm sorry for your situation.

Would you consider donor eggs? If you do, then you can have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy.

If the answer is no, it means that you have come to the end of the road of having a child with your husband.

However, there is nothing to stop you from having a child of your own. Just like there is nothing to stop hm from having children with someone else should you guys later split up.

It's really a difficult situation for you. I hope you have friends to support you.

Yes I agree. But was pointing out why the other poster said what they did about giving ultimatum years ago….

Exactly, not really sure what a selfless pregnancy looks like! “I didn’t really want them but 2063 will need fresh taxpayers.”

If you could only TTC in the absolute, most perfect, most socially acceptable circumstances there’d be no babies.

@IVFbeenverylucky I don't disagree with you, yes it's a selfish choice in that sense regardless. I mean it's entirely for yourself and not you and another if you see what I mean.
So rather than being a joint decision to create a little person together, it's entirely your choice without giving the child the possibility of the other person in their life as babies/children. I know some can contact the father at 18+ but it does vary a little depending on location etc.
I do get what you mean though and thank you for understanding it's not meant in a judging way. It's not my place to judge what people choose to do.
It was in response to the idea of only the husband being selfish iyswim.

As I say, RTFT. I'm not conflating odds. I'm factoring in the posts on the medical condition she has which "negatively affects in vitro fertilisation, pregnancy and the live birth rate, as well as increases the risk of miscarriage... (and) enhances the risk of obstetric complications, such as premature birth and preterm rupture of the amniotic membranes". Feel free to correct me, but I wouldn't say that she can have her hopes raised by very very high chances in that case.

I never actually said a selfless one exists, you seem determined to turn this around. I said it was the most purely selfish reason, but that doesn't mean it's selfless otherwise. Of course it's not.

But he already has a child. You’re just projecting your experience here and insisting she must do what you did.

Yes you can share your experience but you should not blindly assume her situation must be the same as yours therefore she must do what you did.

However, there is nothing to stop you from having a child of your own.

Unfortunately that is not true and it's doesn't seem helpful to keep saying it.

Reach out for support dear lady and then when you are ready, get cpuples counselling to bridge the gap in your marriage if you feel that is the right thing to do.

Yes. I have

Its incredibly selfish to deny someone a child when you yourself have one.

Yep and you’ve carried on posting after she said that.

You are clearly very angry about something, but advising drastic courses of action to vulnerable posters isn’t kind or smart. So stop.

Milestones are a red herring here. The OP still wouldn’t have been able to conceive, and she still would have reached a point where giving up would need to be considered.

It’s worth reading a bit more about the OP’s condition before going on about donor eggs and things which are unlikely to succeed.

It’s hard because deciding to give up means accepting that you’re not going to have children, and while you’re still trying in your mind there’s always a chance that you might actually get pregnant, even though you know it’s unlikely to happen even if you are going through IVF.

UltimateThe OP’s condition has nothing to do with her eggs.