To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

[Hop27]

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

OP’s old posts suggest the fertility issues are with her. Very hard to come to terms with it

OP hasn’t lacked agency for 16 years. He was perfectly entitled to want to wait, and she had a choice as to whether she wanted to accept that or leave. She chose to stay, and they have repeatedly tried IVF. He hasn’t denied her a child, nature has. He doesn’t owe her more tries no matter his own wishes, and no matter what cost.

The question you need to ask yourself is, do you actually want to leave your marriage?

Because you’re still not likely to have a baby if you leave your marriage, so you need to decide whether actually you want to leave your marriage regardless because acceptance of ino children is likely going to have to need to happen irrespective of your choices.

And if you do want to leave your marriage, then you absolutely shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant.

And if you don’t actually want to end your marriage, then I would suggest you seek some counselling to help you come to terms with your infertility.

Other people on this thread have suggested similar. The wonderful thing about the internet is everybody has their own perspective and opinion, even if that may differ from yours.

It's the OPs thread so she can choose to take on board whichever comments from here she wants, or none if that may be the case.

I think what makes it harder is the fact she was left out of the decision-making, the choice to stop trying was made for her instead of with her

OP - firstly, you are not alone. Many happy women have been where you are now (having to learn to make peace with not having a baby), they know exactly how you feel at this stage and have come through it. You are in an utterly awful place at this moment because you are having to let go of the last ember of hope and ruminating on the what ifs but deep down you know why your DH is saying no more. There's a different future for you that you will come to embrace. Therapy will help you.

It's difficult to have to keep saying that you are 'old' because you are talking about pregnancy. In every other realm of life you are young and you have years of happiness ahead of you. Look after yourself. It's very easy to spiral into self-medication with the alcohol and pain meds but you must remember that you really are worth looking after.

I feel like I’m reading a different post from some of you - I take from this:

you got together at 26 and DH didn’t want to start TTC straightaway until you were financially settled. So far, all very typical in most relationships that I’ve known and same age I got together with my OH and had the same conversation.

At some point you started TTC which I’m guessing was probably mid-30’s (based on there being a reasonable period of naturally TTC then tests, referrals etc before embarking on 4 cycles of IVF. Again, not uncommon at all nowadays. For many, this will result in pregnancy but for some it won’t and that’s when the regrets about starting later will creep in.

you have endured 4 cycles of IVF which is a MASSIVE physically and emotional rollercoaster and whilst you might just want to keep going, he may be concerned that another fail will break you so says - no more. This isn’t somedone ‘dangling a carrot’ FFS this is surely more likely someone who doesn’t want his beloved wife to face any more heartache and is concerned for her physical and mental well-being.

You are obviously hurting and wanting to blame someone and resentful towards your DH but don’t push him away too quickly. There will always be ‘just one more cycle’ if finances aren’t a barrier - maybe now is time to comes to terms with it and start openly discussing the alternates.

42 isn't too old...!

I have two stories for you:

1. Couple number 1, couldn't conceive, plenty of money (they both earned high 5 figure salaries) so went down the IVF route. Fertility tests showed they both had fertility issues. Very poor sperm and egg quality. After 8 rounds of unsuccessful IVF, he had enough and couldn't cope with the emotional turmoil each time it failed, so said he was happy with just the two of them. She was heartbroken at his decision and wanted to keep trying. She made the decision to leave him. She has since gone on to have an IVF baby on her own, and used a donor egg.
2. Couple number 2 - had one miscarriage but just couldn't conceive again. Tried for 15 years. Tests showed his sperm count was "ok". They couldn't afford IVF. She was 43 and just assumed the fertility was her fault as she was too old. They ended up splitting up (he blamed her for the infertility) so she had a fling with this guy. Didn't use protection as she thought she was infertile. She found herself pregnant a month later!

So you do have options, but if your OH has decided he doesn't want to try any more, then you will have to do this alone, and at 42 you need to make that decision NOW. Perhaps some sperm/egg combinations are just not compatible?

Have you had testing done to find out the quality of your eggs?

I agree. You don't find babies on supermarket shelves.

The OP omitted to mention her own health situation which another poster picked up on in a search.

The chances of the OP getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy are vanishingly small.

It would be helpful if the "I must have a baby at all costs" posters would stop projecting by telling the OP that her DP never really wanted another child. Do you really think he would have signed up for several rounds of IVF if that was the case?

I feel that the OP needs to stop tormenting herself with what ifs, and accept that children aren't going to happen.

You don't have to be religious or believe in God to take on board the words of the serenity prayer.

Give me grace to accept the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things which can be changed and the wisdom to distinguish between the two

How long have you been trying for a baby? If it was, as your original OP suggests, that he put off trying until you were possibly too old, I don't think I could forgive that. If it's something you really want, would he consider adoption? Would you consider adoption alone? You could still provide a loving home for a child that really needs one.

I feel for you

It took 10yrs ttc and 5 attempts of private ivf to get our one and only bfp and our miracle baby

We stopped after 2 as the failure is so hard

But we saved begged borrowed and credit cards and continues after a year

I wanted to be a mum so much (dh had 3 kids in 20's) so we carried on. This time abroad as cheaper and I think technology much better

Cycle 3 abroad failed but had more to freeze

Baby blondes was an ice baby for
Cycle 3 but our 5th attempt

I was almost 44 when gave birth but from embroys made when I was 42

Dd now 6 - I'm almost 50

I was always told ' good eggs for a bird my age'

What is your amh and fsh

If 5 had failed and think we have 3 more in freezer then we would have tried one last cycle but this de

I think at your age it is worth thinking about de

How do you and dh feel about that ?

You have money - that helps with carrying on with ivf

I know several couples who used de and their children do look like them if that's a worry

One friend I've said before on mn. Had natural child. Then Ivf de for 2nd

Her de child looks more like her than her own egg child

Only you can decide if

Not be a mum and stay with dh

Trying again with dh and de

Being a mum alone/donor egg and sperm

People need to RTFT.

A, the OP has a medical condition which makes it virtually impossible to conceive. The fact she has been through IVF four times now, presumably to the tune of about £40k and has had no success is testament to that fact. No amount of donor eggs or leaving to have IVF with a sperm donor is going to change that fact or give the baby.

This would have been the case whether they’d started ttc at 26 or 36, and the reality is that the OP could have left earlier if she’d wanted a baby. It’s not unreasonable to set goals before ttc.

For the people suggesting adoption, this is nothing like having a baby of your own. Many people choose to adopt because they want to be parents, but it’s not a substitute for having a baby, and the OP clearly wants her own baby. Added to which adoption is a gruelling process. We’re talking years here,

Looking at OP’s posting history it’s been around 3 years since the fourth round, after which OP attempted suicide and it was decided between them both that enough was enough.

I can understand that it must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting that you feel ready to give this another go but your DH doesn’t but clearly there’s a reason for this. I would imagine that your DH is aware that, given it’s been 3 years since the last round, the chances are even slimmer now.

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation but I can see your DH’s point of view too. Would he be open to counselling so you can both speak through how you feel? Alternatively I think, if you’re not already, it may be beneficial to you to speak to a professional to try to work through how you feel. Ultimately even if you left DH, if children still didn’t happen for you the resentment could still be there.

Posted too soon. We’re talking years, with the likelyhood of being matched with a child with severe behavioural problems, and everything which goes with that. And at her age she is more likely to be matched with an older child, and without being too negative, the adoption failure rate of older children is high.

The OPs chance of getting pregnant with her own eggs and ivf is around 5%, with her complicating conditions is even lower.

It is cruel to tell someone trying to come to terms with their infertility all about random 'success' stories of other people with completely different medical conditions.

Stories like these are why I eventually had a coil fitted. Partly because of the reduced risk of cancer with my condition and partly because I could not take 10+ years of getting my hopes up every time my period was a day late because someone's aunties neighbours best friend had IVF which didn't work and then they went on holiday and relaxed and voila were pregnant.

When DH and I were TTC and then we're told it was very unlikely to happen I felt like telling "helpful" suggestions to adopt anything but helpful. Given that most babies up for adoption these days usually have very difficult backgrounds (drug addict mother, AFS etc) adoption is the last thing I would consider.

Having children doesn’t have to be something you chase at all costs, especially if doing so is only likely to result in you falling deeper and deeper into an abyss.

You haven’t failed if you don’t have a child, and indeed you can live a full and rewarding life without one. Your life doesn’t have to be over, and you don’t have to be doomed to misery.

What reasons has he given to stop trying though? Like you said, you both earn good money and can afford it. Does he have a solid reason or can he just not be bothered? Tbh it sounds like he was never passionate about having a child like you were. No man would make a woman wait 16 years to start trying for a baby.

Such a sad situation for you OP. I'm so sorry. Hopefully you'll wake up feeling a little better, and I'm sure you'll make the best decision going forward, whatever you decide to do.

This is so so hard but there comes a point where you have to stop. You can’t just keep going. And based on your age and the cycles you’ve had it sounds to me like he’s making the right painful choice.

I am sorry though OP. Truly. It must be devastating.

This is another read the full thread thing although I appreciate there are probably some cross posts

Turns out the OP tried to commit suicide after the last round failed and at that point they mutually decided enough was enough.

The DH didn't make her wait 16 years, they have been married 16 years and its 3 years since the last round at least.

It sounds less like he can't be bothered and more like he is trying to look out for a wife he loves.

Bet your friend doesn't have a condition that affected her fertility like the OP

It might seem cruel to you but to others it can be helpful.

The OP mentions nothing of medical conditions. Just that they are "too old".

I have another friend who has just had her first baby aged 46 using a donor egg. She thought she would never have children but desperately wanted one.

Some people are happy to give up, others want to keep trying. Either way is fine, and sometimes it's nice to hear success stories to offer people hope.

There has been a noticeable shift in MN etiquette. It used to be considered the height of rudeness to conduct an advanced search on a poster’s history and bring up the content of their previous posts, even if pp deemed it relevant. It now seems to be the norm and I have seen it on several threads in the last few days.

I am glad I got into a habit of very frequently name-changing.

Firstly, this must all be really stressful and sad for both of you. Sometimes one party will want to eventually stop - if a reasonable number of tries have been attempted. Trying forever is not for everyone. I have a friend who at 42 was in similar circumstances and was on verge of leaving to hopefully have a baby ‘somehow’. I’m not sure if they used a donor egg or sperm as something suddenly worked and they eventually had a baby at 43 and another at 45. Both parents 8 years on still together. I recall her desperation, even leaving was a very serious consideration. I don’t want to give any false hope here but hoping you’ve both considered the various donor routes.

Have you actually read the thread ffs. The OP has medical conditions which impact her fertility and is emotionally fragile. I suggest reading the full thread before deciding how helpful this is.

I like most people was not 'happy to give up' I was utterly and absolutely devastated. That doesn't change biological realities though.