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Original poster

My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

248 replies

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 11:45

Was that decided though diddl?

CheezePleeze · 21/05/2023 11:50

This is one of those threads where you'd really have to hear the husband's side before being able to make up your mind who's in the wrong.

But as an aside, allowing your elderly parents to pay for most of your wedding, when one of them is pushy, was never really going to end well.

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 11:55

diddl · 21/05/2023 11:43

A lot of parents can pay for things unconditionally!

Show quote history

I've seen this said a lot on MN.

Never experienced in real life though.

diddl · 21/05/2023 12:01

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 11:45

Was that decided though diddl?

Obviously I've no idea.

As you say though-if there are conditions that you don't like-pay yourself!

billy1966 · 21/05/2023 12:04

ScribblingPixie · 21/05/2023 09:33

I'm guessing your father has told you about this because he's worried about how the man you've married will end up treating you. Anyone speaking this way to my own gentle father would be out of my life immediately.

Absolutely this.

You have married a sneaky bully who just couldn't keep his mask up and just had to have a go at your father.

I hope your contraception is 100% bullet proof because this is a huge red flag.

I think you need to tell your husband you know and watch him very carefully as you ask him to explain himself.

You asked him not to, yet he did.

He doesn't respect you, your father, or your wishes.

Watch him very very carefully.

This is who he is.

HowcanIhelp123 · 21/05/2023 12:05

diddl · 21/05/2023 12:01

Obviously I've no idea.

As you say though-if there are conditions that you don't like-pay yourself!

Show quote history

Exactly, we don't know. Could be the case her and DH were going to pay themselves, dad offered to pay so she could have her dream wedding but DH was reluctant to accept! We don't have enough info.

Could be he tried to control everything - when, where, guest list etc. OP says he 'realised' he was overstepping. She never once says she addressed it. Had OP said something when he started being pushy, quite possible none of this would have ever happened! What might well of happened is he's gone oops, she said oh don't worry dad. Dad has continued behaviour since as OP said all ok and after 2 more months of overstepping the DH finally snapped.

Could be DH is a twat, could be DH has a big DW issue.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 12:06

"Could be he tried to control everything - when, where, guest list etc. "

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

Chatillon · 21/05/2023 12:12

I have not read past your opening post @Han490 nor do I need to.

Your husband is a closet bully. It's that simple.

CheezePleeze · 21/05/2023 12:13

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 12:06

"Could be he tried to control everything - when, where, guest list etc. "

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

It's not traditional for elderly parent to organise or pay for a wedding, especially when (as I strongly imagine) the couple were already living together anyway.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 12:13

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 12:06

"Could be he tried to control everything - when, where, guest list etc. "

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

Depends if the money was a gift or they were taking responsibility for organising the wedding.

Gifts shouldn't come with strict rules.

DiddyHeck · 21/05/2023 12:16

Chatillon · 21/05/2023 12:12

I have not read past your opening post @Han490 nor do I need to.

Your husband is a closet bully. It's that simple.

The OP was a post and run anyway. There are no other posts.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/05/2023 12:17

You need to talk to DH and get his side of events

It's quite likely that you've married a man with similar character traits to your dad.

You need to work out how much of who you can take.

diddl · 21/05/2023 12:23

Could be DH is a twat, could be DH has a big DW issue.

Indeed-as is often the case-fault all round!

MsRosley · 21/05/2023 12:26

So your DH had a go at the man who literally funded his whole wedding? Words fail me.

Wonnle · 21/05/2023 12:30

OCDmama · 21/05/2023 09:26

I'd be most concerned at your DH telling your dad not to tell anyone. There's something really slimy and sinister about that.

Your dad told you for a reason - I think you need to listen to him.

No one knows whether this is the case do they , it's only the OPs dad that has said this to her .

Her dad could well have an agenda

Wonnle · 21/05/2023 12:31

Why is nearly everyone on here taking it as gospel that OP dad has told her the truth then ?

TallerThanAverage · 21/05/2023 12:32

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 12:06

"Could be he tried to control everything - when, where, guest list etc. "

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

It's traditional for the bride's parents to organise the wedding if they're paying. I wouldn't necessarily call that interfering.

Do the bride and groom have any say? My parents paid the cost for our reception back in ‘96 and had zero input. The money came with no strings attached. Why would you say to your child, here’s X amount but it comes with these conditions?

TallerThanAverage · 21/05/2023 12:35

It’s been 6 hours, I don’t think OP is returning.

SeasonFinale · 21/05/2023 12:40

I think I need to hear what your DH says too. Was your father trying to lay down the law about something else. By your own admission your dad overstepped the mark and backed off when you asked him too.

They may have had words and agreed to disagree and also decided together not to say anything so as not to upset you. We don't know. But now your Dad has broken his silence. I would ask why? It could possibly be him trying to interfere in your relationship with DH.

Why have you not stated what DH's version of events is.

saraclara · 21/05/2023 12:41

You asked your DH not to say anything.

He did say something (two months later when there was no point anyway).

He told your dad not to tell anyone.

Whatever is behind what he feels, your DH did not respect you, was unpleasant to your father, and then used a bullying tactic to keep him quiet.

OP, your dad kept this secret for ten months. What made him cave in? Does he have misgivings about your DH?
This phrase stood out to me as soon as I read the OP:
"He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family."

Most people don't need to try hard to welcome a new partner/spouse. They just do so because they like them and their son or daughter loves them. So did your father not particularly like him from the start? Or was your DH not approachable or friendly to your family?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 12:43

"My parents paid the cost for our reception back in ‘96 and had zero input. "

That was nice of them, but back in the 90s it was still common for wedding invitations to come from the bride's parents. They were the hosts.
Unless you make it clear that everything is organised by the couple, I don't think it's so strange to consider that paying parents have a say.

PylaSheight · 21/05/2023 12:47

I lot more information is needed here.

You say your Dad can be "interfering" and "pushy", so what form of "interfering" was your Dad doing RE the wedding?
What were the terms/conditions to your parents paying for most of the wedding? Did you and DH agree that they would be involved in the planning etc?
What triggered your husband to take your dad to one side and "completely bollock him" at the family event?
You say your Dad is "a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict" so how is he if another man tells him his behaviour is upsetting/annoying (whatever)? Does he take a calm telling off for example, or a challenge, badly? Does he exaggerate the other person's tone or actions?
You said, "for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me". What are the "various reasons"?

"Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law?"
I don't believe so, no. Just because someone is family or elderly does not mean their poor behaviour can be left unchallenged. Your DH and Dad have a different relationship to you and your Dad or you and DH, and they should both be able to discuss issues together.

rwalker · 21/05/2023 12:49

MsRosley · 21/05/2023 12:26

So your DH had a go at the man who literally funded his whole wedding? Words fail me.

normally when they give a gift pay for something it’s unconditional

I think if they were told it was conditional/interference before the money was handed over them they gave no grounds to complain but that doesn’t sound the case

PylaSheight · 21/05/2023 12:50

Wonnle · 21/05/2023 12:31

Why is nearly everyone on here taking it as gospel that OP dad has told her the truth then ?

Lack of critical thinking skills and a splattering of projection. I really hope they aren't detectives IRL because they'd be lousy ones!

SpringNotSprung · 21/05/2023 12:55

What was your df interfering about?
I think we need to know that before commenting.
I suspect there's more to this than meets the eye.
Why did your dh think his confrontation should be kept secret? Are you sure it was just about the wedding?

People think my MIL is quiet and sensitive. She's actually quite toxic and has away with playing one off against the other for years.

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