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Original poster

My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

248 replies

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

OP posts:
rwalker · 21/05/2023 10:03

Cotton55 · 21/05/2023 09:43

Exactly this.

I am genuinely shocked at the amount of posters seeming to excuse the dh's behaviour. Of course we're only hearing the OP's side of events, but if that's even partially accurate, it shows the dh in an awful light.

He is a bully and I wouldn't be with a man like this.

Show quote history

OP description of her dad varies from old and gentle to pushy and interfering
people like that don’t generally like being confronted or pulled up in things

my dad would of been seething that someone didn’t pander to him or stood up to him

there’s massive chunks of the story missing and also a backstory

before we start throwing the B word about

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 10:11

rwalker · 21/05/2023 10:03

OP description of her dad varies from old and gentle to pushy and interfering
people like that don’t generally like being confronted or pulled up in things

my dad would of been seething that someone didn’t pander to him or stood up to him

there’s massive chunks of the story missing and also a backstory

before we start throwing the B word about

Show quote history

Agree, although op has a low view of her DH anyway. Its not a postive happy relationship either he is an abusive bully and she will be well shot of him, or its unfair for him to be in a relationship where he is so disliked and op will accept other peoples side of an argument without even asking him if the argument even happened.

TallerThanAverage · 21/05/2023 10:15

Susieb2023 · 21/05/2023 09:01

Absolutely shocked at the number of women here supporting the fact this husband went behind his wife’s back to do this after she asked him not to!

Currently the OP only has her father’s account. For all we know her father may have instigated the conversation. I would be getting the husband’s version of events plus I would question dad as to why he has waited two months before deciding to tell me what happened. The OP has now been put in an awkward position, she’s either going to upset her husband or her father. If the husband’s account differs, get the two of them together and get them to sort it between themselves because you can’t win.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 10:16

My immediate reaction was ‘oh that’s awful’. However you yourself describe your Dad as pushy, and that he had to back off having over interfered with your wedding, so it sounds to me that your Dad was out of order and now your husband is.

You need to tell your husband that if he wants to have a row with someone, it is weird and manipulative to say it has to be private.

Then tell them to have a clearing the air conversation.

3luckystars · 21/05/2023 10:21

@Luredbyapomegranate i agree with you.

I would be very upset if someone upset my dad and then told him to keep it secret.

was your dad trying to discourage you from marrying this man or was it just the (normal level) crazy interfering that families do around weddings?

Climbles · 21/05/2023 10:29

I think there is an unwritten rule about being respectful to your elders and your in-laws.
It’s a bit of a red flag that he felt the need to have a go l, even when you’ve asked him not to. It’s not like your Dad can go back in time and change what happened anyway. He’s already apologised, so what did your DH hope to achieve?

HowcanIhelp123 · 21/05/2023 10:35

For me, there are multiple sides to each story. Who told you? Was it for example your mum who may exaggerate and be very firmly on your dads side?

2 men had a disagreement. If you want to get involved ask them what happened. Both of them. There's each persons truth and the actual truth.

If they seem fine now I don't see the point in dragging it up. You admit your dad comes across as pushy. If your DH isn't usually confrontational then I'd let it go. Arguing with parents isn't a red flag, it's common. They overstep boundaries and you reinstate them, especially common after having kids. If you have a child and your dad starts being pushy and you don't have the backbone to tell your dad off yourself then your DH doesn't have to sit by and watch it. You can agree to each tackle your own parents behaviour, but then you actually need to hold up your end.

HowcanIhelp123 · 21/05/2023 10:37

Ah I see it was your dad, well he's going to give his side so I'd get your DHs too.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/05/2023 10:37

You asked your dh not to say anything to your df and he did, the tried to hide the fact. That alone would have me fuming and my dh would get a bollocking off me.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 21/05/2023 10:55

Your husband has had a go at your Dad because he feels inferior. It is nothing to do with your Dad being pushy and everything to do with the fact your Dad paid for the wedding, your husbands male pride has been hurt. As for him telling your Dad not to mention him having a go at him, i would see that as your husband being a sneaky little bullying git.

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 10:56

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man

Not all that sensitive, or he wouldn't have interfered with the wedding plans.

Perhaps that is not the only interference by your father that has riled your husband.

There is no imaginary rule that FILS and MILS can never be challenged by other family members.

Lennybenny · 21/05/2023 10:58

Whatever it was bothered dh for 2 months after the wedding. A PP said perhaps at the party your dad got pushy again and dh gave him what for about him sticking his nose in where it wasn't needed.

You say your dad is soft but he was still pushy enough that you had to speak to him...perhaps more happened that your dh protected you from.

If its all been settled over the last year, and you're still happy why is it a concern? Perhaps dh told him not to say anything to you because he knew dad would give you a skewered view of what the conversation was actually like. He's brought it up recently so isn't that a longer time frame than your dh saying something to him 2 months after the wedding?

nidgey · 21/05/2023 10:59

Did your dh think he was protecting you somehow by speaking up to your Dad? Losing his temper isn't great, and it's bad your father felt so shaken. In any semblance of a good marriage you should be able to discuss this with your husband.

AlmostHeaven · 21/05/2023 11:02

It depends how pushy your dad was and what your husband said to him and why. Were you very upset and complaining to your husband about it? Is your husband nice or a bit of a bully? Could your dad be making more of it to cause trouble?

Thelnebriati · 21/05/2023 11:08

OP has only heard her Dad's side of things. It would be a good idea for her to ask her DH his side.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/05/2023 11:14

Not all that sensitive, or he wouldn't have interfered with the wedding plans

We don't know what form the interference took, either. Was it demanding that OP and her DP use a particular hotel for the reception or insisting that so and so was invited because OP's parents have known them for ever or was it lower key suggestions?

Newspeaker · 21/05/2023 11:17

One thing that you do know Op is that your Dad did get a bit OTT but he apologised and backed off at the time. An apology is surely enough?

Personally I would feel very uncomfortable at the thought that my husband had nursed a grudge for a couple of months, then verbally attacked my father, and then instructed him to keep that a secret. I know that you've only heard "one side of the story" but what would you Dad have to gain by making this up?
Also - I would find it very hard to forgive the fact that my husband would deliberately take it on himself to do this without speaking to me about it. He had no idea what the repercussions of this might be for your relationship with your dad.

The problem now - is your Dad happy for you to speak to your husband about it?

kingtamponthefurred · 21/05/2023 11:21

You are outraged because two adults had a conversation to which you were not party?

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2023 11:23

Your H was aggressive to your dad and then pressurised him to keep it a secret.

That is toxic abusive behaviour. Your H is completely in the wrong however irritating your dad was previously.

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 11:25

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2023 11:23

Your H was aggressive to your dad and then pressurised him to keep it a secret.

That is toxic abusive behaviour. Your H is completely in the wrong however irritating your dad was previously.

Only if it actually happened!

UnctuousUnicorns · 21/05/2023 11:26

So you've been married less than a year, no children? Fuck that, I'd be out of there. Who does your H think he is, he sounds like a nasty, aggressive piece of work. If my husband had done that to my lovely dad, I'd have left him. Fortunately he has always been respectful and friendly with my parents, hence we've been together for 28 years. You can do better, OP.

PeopleAreShit · 21/05/2023 11:27

Are you married to your DH or your DD? Of course grown men can talk to other men if they have done them wrong. I don’t get the mentality of parents and elders getting respect just for being older.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 11:32

How is it interfering when the parents paid for the wedding? You want it your own way, you pay yourself, no?

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2023 11:32

@PeopleAreShit It’s more that the H was unnecessarily aggressive to someone and then told them to keep it a secret. The elder/respect thing is a red herring.

diddl · 21/05/2023 11:43

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 11:32

How is it interfering when the parents paid for the wedding? You want it your own way, you pay yourself, no?

A lot of parents can pay for things unconditionally!