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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 21/05/2023 03:34

You were in no danger. What you thought was a threat was not.
If you are an overly anxious person don't walk down solitary Country lanes at dusk!

Pepperama · 21/05/2023 04:00

Unless there is a back story where this happens a lot, I agree with you. It doesn’t matter if your partner thought you weren’t in danger or not, it should have been enough that you were feeling vulnerable and in need of help. I’d be very disappointed

EllandRd · 21/05/2023 04:05

Are you always this dramatic?

blahblahblah1654 · 21/05/2023 04:05

I think you were being overly anxious but it would have been nice for your partner to have met you anyway.

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 04:08

Something similar happened to me a few years ago and DH was with me in minutes.
It is important to be able to rely on your partner in these situations.
I'd be upset in your shoes, too.

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 04:13

I assume you live rurally and often walk your dog on quiet country lanes? So I'd have thought this must happen quite often? If so then I'm with your partner - he can't come and "rescue" you every time. If it was a one-off then I agree it would have been nice of him to come.

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 04:19

@Perky1

I agree get why you thinking like that,

Your Partner should have been more understanding, about this,

I would really start to lose faith in him, if this happened to myself, rot would start to take place in the relantship,

are you usaully anxious kind of person, so it just seems par of the course ?

So he just thinks it's just another thing in life ,that yet again making you anxious type of mindset crept in?

I am just working out, if it's a sexist response ,of he is a male, who just doesn't get understand, why females can get anxious about safety and a random strange man in their midst walking or acting bit odd, type of thing, !

In general i do think , your gut reaction, six sense/inuitition, whatever you call it, this !

Is there ,for a bloody good reason,

It's a primeval instinct to protect us from danger , of any sort , going back to Stone Age time. !

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 21/05/2023 04:30

I think you were being overly anxious. He was already on FaceTime to you so could see and hear you, by the time he got shoes on and walked to where you were the man would have gone anyway. Or already strangled you with the dog lead...

AnyaMarx · 21/05/2023 04:31

A poster on our local curtain twitching page posted something like this

So
Scared she had to pick up her dog and run

After around 160 ridiculous comments a woman piped up . "Hi - yes this is my husband- he goes for a walk daily at that time in that spot - he did t even see you . He's terribly sorry you were scared "

I absolutely laughed my arse off.

People can't even go for a walk now ? Bec they're a lone male doing no one any harm whatsoever but because they're male and walking alone they simply must be a potential murderer /rapist/ ?

I genuinely think people need to get a grip and worry when there is something to worry over .

ShandaLear · 21/05/2023 04:32

Do you always get this anxious when someone passes you on a path?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 04:34

FFS unless the OP is a blithering idiot she can work out when a lone man is being weird and threatening when he isn't. Don't any of you get a vibe?

I work with violent and aggressive men all the time and 90% of them don't raise a sweat. The odd one gets the hairs on the back of the neck up and yes, I listen to that.

And my DH would have come, because he trusts my judgement.

AnyaMarx · 21/05/2023 04:42

Maybe the op judgement is off then if her do didn't come hero like to the rescue for this absolute non event ?

AnyaMarx · 21/05/2023 04:44

Op says "I know I was probably being over anxious "

This wasn't about the man

It was a test of her dp . I'm glad I'm single .

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 05:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

Sounds a really interesting job/career you have got , !

Just curious, wondering why it's only one partuliar male has that effect on you, then?

makes you hair on back stand up ect,

Very interesting why only him, not other aggressive and violet men don't have the same effect then,

I wonder why is this so, the case,

I have wondered for a while, about whether i could apply for a job , working in a high security women's prison doing emotional health well being stuff ,such as Arts , and creative activities,

I do have bit /some mobility issue of Rumertoid OestoAthritis issue,at moment
but waiting for knee op,to sort this out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 05:09

Just curious, wondering why it's only one partuliar male has that effect on you, then?

I said, "the odd one" meaning one in a while. Not just one man ever.

Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 05:10

Come to you aid?? You weren’t in any danger.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 05:12

Oh and I didn't enjoy working with women in prison. It's much worse in terms of self harm and just awful distress.

Men's prisons I haven't found as bad.

Try volunteering or visiting. It's interesting.

CircleofWillis · 21/05/2023 05:31

I am not understanding all the 'you over reacted' posts here.
According to the office of National statistics, from March 2021 to March 2022 in England and Wales:

  • 798,000 women experienced sexual assault
  • 666,000 people experienced violent assault from a stranger.

It is not possible to tell the intentions of someone you encounter and that little prickle of unease is all that you might get. If all of you who are saying she overreacted are ignoring that feeling or suggesting other people should, you are being very unwise.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/05/2023 05:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 04:34

FFS unless the OP is a blithering idiot she can work out when a lone man is being weird and threatening when he isn't. Don't any of you get a vibe?

I work with violent and aggressive men all the time and 90% of them don't raise a sweat. The odd one gets the hairs on the back of the neck up and yes, I listen to that.

And my DH would have come, because he trusts my judgement.

This.

Unless there’s a drip feed where the OP reveals she does this 3/4/5 times a week then I think she’s completely entitled to feel a bit let down by her partner.

Shadowworry · 21/05/2023 05:42

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 04:08

Something similar happened to me a few years ago and DH was with me in minutes.
It is important to be able to rely on your partner in these situations.
I'd be upset in your shoes, too.

it would be a deal breaker for me and to raise a son who just didn’t get it either …. Not good

Violasaremyfavourite · 21/05/2023 05:50

What good is it being on FaceTime? Your partner could only watch. If that man had pulled on a balaclava and gloves what good would your useless partner have been? My husband would have come even if he thought it was a bit unnecessary. I'd be reevaluating the relationship.

Violasaremyfavourite · 21/05/2023 05:51

Well to be fair he didn't tell the son his mother was frightened.

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 06:04

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 21/05/2023 04:30

I think you were being overly anxious. He was already on FaceTime to you so could see and hear you, by the time he got shoes on and walked to where you were the man would have gone anyway. Or already strangled you with the dog lead...

Sounds harsh but this. If the man was walking so quickly he unnerved you, he'd have passed you before you'd even got your partner on Facetime so I'm not sure what your partner was supposed to do.

Ninjama1 · 21/05/2023 06:05

AnyaMarx · 21/05/2023 04:44

Op says "I know I was probably being over anxious "

This wasn't about the man

It was a test of her dp . I'm glad I'm single .

Why? Because every man is the same?

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 06:15

Hi @MrsTerryPratchett

Thank you replying so quick to my post, !

Thank you again for very interesting insightful and informative post too.

I didn't know there could, be a volunteering opportunity opening too or you could just arrange a vist ect to find out.

very interesting insight , that you find working in women's prison, more distressing than men's prison.