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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 21/05/2023 10:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 05:12

Oh and I didn't enjoy working with women in prison. It's much worse in terms of self harm and just awful distress.

Men's prisons I haven't found as bad.

Try volunteering or visiting. It's interesting.

Fascinating @MrsTerryPratchett Always love your replies when you post. I didnt know you could volunteer in prisons.
I do agree with what you have posted :)

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 10:38

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I don’t walk dog/s frequently atm due to LC but have done this route many times in the past and in darker conditions. This is the first time I have felt uneasy hence me using my phone to make contact with DP thinking it might be a deterrent. I am not overly anxious when walking out alone. I will avoid the route at dusk now as feel spooked. I can walk dog/s around village instead and get an alarm. C’est La vie.

OP posts:
Users37 · 21/05/2023 10:41

The man passed you and walked on. There was no danger. There was absolutely no need for your husband to come and help you. You go for a walk, and you occasionally see another person. That's what happens every time you go for a walk, unless you live in a very isolated area. If you can't accept that, then you have to stop going for walks by yourself.

randomusername03 · 21/05/2023 10:46

"I genuinely think people need to get a grip and worry when there is something to worry over ."

At what point is it alright for a woman to be worried? When her intution kicks in? When she feels afraid? Does she have to wait till a mans hands are around her throat before she starts to worry?

In light of Sarah Everard, Zara Aleena and every other woman murdered whilst minding their own damn business, please come and enlighted us silly anxious women at which specific point our worries are 'valid' and we can start making a fuss.

Bargellobitch · 21/05/2023 10:50

It sounds like you were over anxious op. But equally to the people being mean and making fun, women are very vulnerable in our society. It's not about the actual danger but that you felt unsafe. I'd expect my partner to get that too and come to meet me.

Channellingsophistication · 21/05/2023 10:51

I think your partner should’ve come out to meet you. You felt uneasy and it would have been the kind and caring thing to do.

many years ago, as I walked down a path I saw a man coming towards me and I felt uneasy. I had to pass him, there was nowhere else to go as I did he grabbed my breast. It was really frightening.

Bonitalazenia · 21/05/2023 10:55

Thank you @randomusername03 !!! You’ve literally just voiced my opinion. Having been local to the cases of Julia James and the Chillenden murders (The Russells)
Also that absolute coward Wayne couzens (Sarah Everard case) lived in my town…Hey I think I live in an unlucky area…

SwordToFlamethrower · 21/05/2023 10:57

You felt unsafe and your partner wasn't there for you.

He is a massive arse hole. You must have been absolutely terrified.

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2023 11:00

my DH would have come to get me if I’d called him telling him I was afraid.

If I were anxious about doing late evening dog walks, he’d be more likely to do them instead of leaving me to do them.

Papernotplastic · 21/05/2023 11:07

It’s disappointing to see so many idiotic responses.

If the OP was a very anxious person who felt like this regularly, then it would be fair to look at this as her issue. She’s said she’s not, she’s said she’s done that walk many times before and never felt like that, she’s done it on darker evenings and never felt like that and she’s never called her partner like this before.

Don’t ignore your instincts. You felt that something was off. You might not be able to put into words what was off but I’d imagine you’ve seen men walking towards you quickly before and never reacted so strongly? Our brains register hundreds of details that we don’t consciously process. You were reacting to something.

As for ‘nothing happened’ well, the OP changed her behaviour because of how she felt. It may be that that made a difference. It may be that the man was odd rather than a risk to anyone. It would be stupid to ignore your instincts.

The ‘some poor man’ responses are depressingly predictable.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 11:12

‘Son said he didn’t want to’ 💁

randomusername03 · 21/05/2023 11:12

@Bonitalazenia Thank you, I cant believe that in this day and age, where more than 3 women are murdered a week, predominately by men, that a woman feeling anxious around a strange man in a secluded area is met with ridicule. The op didnt approach the man or directly accuse him of anything, all she wanted was for her partner to come out, reassure her and make her feel safe. When are women allowed to be anxious?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/05/2023 11:14

It is funny how different threads go different ways.

When abusive men come up on threads women are often scolded, even berated sometimes, for ignoring their instincts and red flags.

Yet on this one there’s almost attitude of the OP being silly or childish for having a bad instinct about someone.

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 11:16

3 women murdered a week

The vast majority murdered by people they know not by a man walking

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 11:19

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 10:38

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I don’t walk dog/s frequently atm due to LC but have done this route many times in the past and in darker conditions. This is the first time I have felt uneasy hence me using my phone to make contact with DP thinking it might be a deterrent. I am not overly anxious when walking out alone. I will avoid the route at dusk now as feel spooked. I can walk dog/s around village instead and get an alarm. C’est La vie.

Sorry, can you explain what LC is?

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 11:19

9 times more likely to be killed by someone you know than a stranger ?

Papernotplastic · 21/05/2023 11:24

Long Covid

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 11:33

You handled the situation yourself. You didn't need back up because there was no threat.

Had your partner rushed out to rescue you, that would only have infantilised you and enhanced your fears and insecurity.

Now you're transferring your needy anxiety about one harmless innocent man to another, DH. You even resent your son for not playing the knight to a damsel in distress.This is not about mens' behaviour; it's about your mindset.

You've written a script for an imaginary melodrama in which you play the helpless female at risk of harm/neglect by men.

For your own sake, I suggest you rewrite it as a very short documentary starring you as a capable sturdy adult who took a dog for a walk and nothing happened.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 21/05/2023 11:36

randomusername03 · 21/05/2023 10:46

"I genuinely think people need to get a grip and worry when there is something to worry over ."

At what point is it alright for a woman to be worried? When her intution kicks in? When she feels afraid? Does she have to wait till a mans hands are around her throat before she starts to worry?

In light of Sarah Everard, Zara Aleena and every other woman murdered whilst minding their own damn business, please come and enlighted us silly anxious women at which specific point our worries are 'valid' and we can start making a fuss.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Elsewhere on MN we are all told to never ignore our spidey senses, go with gut feelings, etc. I'm really not sure why OP is getting so much lack of understanding.

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 11:40

Trust your instinct for something unusual
Or an interaction

Not someone just minding their own business

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 11:50

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 10:38

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I don’t walk dog/s frequently atm due to LC but have done this route many times in the past and in darker conditions. This is the first time I have felt uneasy hence me using my phone to make contact with DP thinking it might be a deterrent. I am not overly anxious when walking out alone. I will avoid the route at dusk now as feel spooked. I can walk dog/s around village instead and get an alarm. C’est La vie.

It's a bummer, isn't it, having to modify your behaviour because of the very real statistical threat from men - and if your instinct is telling you something, then listen to that 'gift of fear' as the FBI expert calls it, at least for a while till you feel settled again and have done a more detailed risk assessment of your possible dog walk routes.

Sometimes it's shit being female in the real world of real risk. All we can do is look the stats, evaluate the risks, and decide on the compromises we are prepared to make (with or without the support of a partner / family).

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 11:50

@2bazookas Thank you for the wake up call! A man in a wimpy Ford just ran into the back of my beefy Defender this morning and because I have manned up I handled it all on my onesome.
He was shaken but I reassured him and all is well ✌️

OP posts:
jannier · 21/05/2023 11:56

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 04:34

FFS unless the OP is a blithering idiot she can work out when a lone man is being weird and threatening when he isn't. Don't any of you get a vibe?

I work with violent and aggressive men all the time and 90% of them don't raise a sweat. The odd one gets the hairs on the back of the neck up and yes, I listen to that.

And my DH would have come, because he trusts my judgement.

This

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 11:56

You are aware that her husband would be more at risk from the stranger than she was?

It's so sad how women and girls are being conditioned to be scared - irrational scared

It limits you

Men are much more at risk yet are not scared of doing things because they have been brought up without that fear

whereaw · 21/05/2023 12:03

@midgemadgemodge men are more at risk of being sexually attacked by a stranger in a remote location? Thanks for the insight. I had no idea!