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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
callmeblondee · 22/05/2023 11:42

@Perky1 and they wonder why some women feel unable to feel trust in the police...
You have every right to have felt how you did. I never ignore my gut. And Im sorry you felt let down by your partner.

AnyaMarx · 22/05/2023 12:10

Oh look
Of all the other women here saying this was a non event the focus is on me , how original.

I'm a woman . A 51 year old woman . With athritis so my days of fighting anyone off are over however , I don't feel a man walking quickly is evidence that he was goi g to take a dog lead and strangle op .
I'm odd like that . I dont believe all men are a threat .
Like I dont believe all women are drama queens .

Crikeyisthatthetime · 22/05/2023 13:00

It's not about whether the stranger was a danger. Clearly this time, he wasn't. Or he might have thought better of it when OP got her phone out, we'll never know. It's because the OP, on this one occasion, felt rattled, and her lazy-arse partner couldn't be bothered to go out to make sure she was ok. (Not beyond half-heartedly trying to send out a boy to do a man's job).
But the point remains that ridiculing a woman for suddenly feeling scared in that situation is contemptible. There are good sound reasons why women feel scared in those situations. It isn't something that women have been taught. It is hardwired in. It is necessary.

callmeblondee · 22/05/2023 13:02

AnyaMarx · 22/05/2023 12:10

Oh look
Of all the other women here saying this was a non event the focus is on me , how original.

I'm a woman . A 51 year old woman . With athritis so my days of fighting anyone off are over however , I don't feel a man walking quickly is evidence that he was goi g to take a dog lead and strangle op .
I'm odd like that . I dont believe all men are a threat .
Like I dont believe all women are drama queens .

But the fact is you and others try to invalidate another womans feelings, and in the process derail the thread. By all means have discussions with your mates about men and women and danger and all the stats and theories, hell start your own thread about it etc etc but to come on here and make another woman feel crap cause she panicked, just cause you wouldnt, is what makes mumsnet so insufferable sometimes. She was making a point about he SHE felt and how she felt her partner behaved, its deeper than some facts about stranger crime.

whereaw · 22/05/2023 13:04

@tiagra yes very low! Well I recently read there are only 3197 cases diagnosed of cervical cancer a year. So why do we waste money on cervical screening? Should we just get some perspective?

callmeblondee · 22/05/2023 13:05

I live in a big city and I feel scared walking home after midnight, is that unreasonable? I have had on many occassions asked my partner to come and meet me at teh station as I have felt a bit "off", I have had warning signs in my brain not to walk down a certain usual road, is that unreasonable or panicking. and it is not about thinking all men are criminals but just about not knowing if the man walking fast behind you is or isnt. Surely most women know this feeling? As humans we can get panicky about all sorts of things and it doesnt have to be rational but in the bigger context of societal structures it is totally rational.

I have gotten off the metro a few times because I felt scared to be in a carriage on my own with a man.

Kdubs1981 · 22/05/2023 19:55

Please don't listen to the people saying you over reacted. Always listen to your gut in these circumstances. Always. It doesn't matter if it's wrong. Often times it is right. Certain people (usually men) give off a vibe.
Women can perceive it, it's not "woo", it's millions of years of evolution training you to spot signs of danger and risk of physical/sexual violence. Unfortunately women are very often subject to violence and it is almost always men that the perpetrators.

Prettylittleroses · 22/05/2023 20:01

Kdubs1981 · 22/05/2023 19:55

Please don't listen to the people saying you over reacted. Always listen to your gut in these circumstances. Always. It doesn't matter if it's wrong. Often times it is right. Certain people (usually men) give off a vibe.
Women can perceive it, it's not "woo", it's millions of years of evolution training you to spot signs of danger and risk of physical/sexual violence. Unfortunately women are very often subject to violence and it is almost always men that the perpetrators.

Of course it matters if it’s wrong. Good lord. When it’s wrong she needs to take time to understand why she reacted that way. Saying oh well he must have given a vibe is nonsense. Anxiety is a thing. It’s not made up. It makes us react in ways that are not appropriate to th4 situation. So do many other mental health conditions.

Kdubs1981 · 22/05/2023 20:11

@Prettylittleroses yes, thank you for the condescending explanation of anxiety and mental health. My decades of training and the letters after my name make me pretty well qualified to comment on anxiety and mental health, it's how I make my living. I am also well qualified on risk and human behaviour and trust me when I say instinct is often right in these cases. Our reptilian brain knows things long before our cerebral cortex has caught up. And unless it's part of a complex anxiety condition (I THINK that's what you're implying re the OP, despite having no evidence), you should ALWAYS listen to your instincts and take action. And it doesn't matter if it's wrong at all. It's about risk assessment. There's no risk here if she was wrong and a huge risk of she's right.

Kdubs1981 · 22/05/2023 20:12

Oh and of course anxiety is a thing. It literally evolved to keep us alive and protect us from threat. It's what it's for. Everyone has "anxiety"

SeatonCarew · 22/05/2023 20:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2023 04:34

FFS unless the OP is a blithering idiot she can work out when a lone man is being weird and threatening when he isn't. Don't any of you get a vibe?

I work with violent and aggressive men all the time and 90% of them don't raise a sweat. The odd one gets the hairs on the back of the neck up and yes, I listen to that.

And my DH would have come, because he trusts my judgement.

Absolutely Mrs P. 👏

PeacefulPottering · 22/05/2023 20:51

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Kdubs1981 · 22/05/2023 20:56

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Oh good, an expert in long covid and post viral issues is here! Oh wait, you're just random on Mumsnet who likes being an arsehole to strangers on the internet who have dared to make themselves vulnerable. You don't know anything about the OP than what's she's told you. The rest of the blanks your own ignorance and prejudice have filled in. ODFOD

NCMum79 · 22/05/2023 22:05

I'd do this for a mate never mind a partner. I'd expect my DP to do it for me. Unless OP is on the phone crying for help every time a man walks past her then i'd trust her feeling that all was no quite ok. At least to her. And being there for someone when they feel unsafe is a very basic act of care

Original poster
Perky1 · 22/05/2023 22:16

Thank you everyone for helpful responses. It’s so heartening when women support and understand each other xx

OP posts:
toooldforthisshite · 22/05/2023 22:17

I’ve not bothered to read all 7 pages as the first few got me so angry. Seriously some arsehole responses directed at the op. She felt vulnerable and unsafe ffs!! Doesn’t matter if she walked country lanes for 50 years and passed the same guy each day. If she felt vulnerable it was for a good reason. Don’t make her feel like she has to justify herself. She already felt she had to do that by the remark of being over cautious.
OP you have every right to feel let down!

OkImListening · 22/05/2023 23:43

toooldforthisshite · 22/05/2023 22:17

I’ve not bothered to read all 7 pages as the first few got me so angry. Seriously some arsehole responses directed at the op. She felt vulnerable and unsafe ffs!! Doesn’t matter if she walked country lanes for 50 years and passed the same guy each day. If she felt vulnerable it was for a good reason. Don’t make her feel like she has to justify herself. She already felt she had to do that by the remark of being over cautious.
OP you have every right to feel let down!

This ⬆️. I have been in this situation several times and it can be terrifying. I have been followed home (when my young son was with me), I've been "spied" on from bushes, I've witnessed people throwing their dog in a canal and getting aggressive with me when I was outraged at their behaviour and I've been flashed at. Actually not safe to walk your dog in semi remote places. I now (unfortunately for my two pooches) stick to street walking which means they always have to stay on the lead. sad society when you can't even walk your dogs without fear...

IHateLegDay · 26/05/2023 12:11

The daily mail has picked this up

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12107951/A-strange-man-spooked-partner-didnt-rush-help.html

HerMammy · 26/05/2023 12:36

I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me.
This is catastrophising and ludicrous, we cannot suspect every passer by of being a murderer.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/05/2023 14:25

HerMammy · 26/05/2023 12:36

I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me.
This is catastrophising and ludicrous, we cannot suspect every passer by of being a murderer.

Given that the OP regularly walks her dogs there and only once called her partner she clearly doesn’t suspect every passer by.

She got spooked by one person on one occasion…

BackAgainstWall · 27/05/2023 07:39

@Perky1
yanbu
your husband is a lazy and uncaring arse.
instincts are there to protect us.

IHateLegDay · 27/05/2023 09:58

BackAgainstWall · 27/05/2023 07:39

@Perky1
yanbu
your husband is a lazy and uncaring arse.
instincts are there to protect us.

But her 'instincts' were completely wrong. The man walked by and nothing happened.

RemainAtHome · 27/05/2023 11:12

IHateLegDay · 27/05/2023 09:58

But her 'instincts' were completely wrong. The man walked by and nothing happened.

Show quote history

Do you always assume that because nothing happened then it means you over reacted?

Nothing about the fact she clearly was in the phone that would have been enough to put someone off? Of being worried that she had snapped a video/photo?
Does it also work for let’s say going in a car with someone who acts like they are drunk but assert they’re not. If they don’t have an accident, then you over reacted and you shouldn’t have followed your instinct of not going in the car with them?

Thelnebriati · 27/05/2023 11:26

I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy

Its possible there was something in his body language and gait that made you feel uneasy. Maybe he was having a bad day and was angry at someone else. Maybe he intended harm but then saw you were on your phone and changed his mind.
You'll never know; but never let people shame you out of trusting your gut. I recommend you read 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker, he's made it available to read online.

randomusername03 · 28/05/2023 11:10

Its funny listening to all these posters spewing out the statistics of how rare it is for a woman to be murdered by a strange male. As if being murdered is the only thing woman are allowed to be wary of. Aggression, Intimidation, emotional manipulation, flashing, groping, physical assualt, sexual assault, rape, I guess these are super super rare and never happen neither. But women remember, it it does happen it was your own fault for listening/not listening to your guts/being out on your own/something you wore/your just unlucky/not taking the right precautions* Also remember its not all men so no need to be wary of any other men neither, in fact if you are wary youre probably a bigot or mentally unwell or something. I think you are allowed to have some negative emotion during being attacked, but definitely not before and probably best not to after as well. Youre just being overly anxious dontcha know.

*delete as appropriate