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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 12:13

Men are at more risk of being attacked overall

No need to limit to a sexual assault, that's just one type of violence

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 12:14

I don't know what board some posters think they're on but it's Relationships.

Not AIBU. Not Let's Chat Shit. Not Fuck Your Life. Relationships.

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 12:23

@midgemadgemodge I was just looking at another thread on the Exercise board about running alone in the forest.

This is your advice, which for what it's worth I think it is sensible, and recognises both the risk and the understandable fear that woman have around low risk but possible catastrophic outcome:

Small steps - plan a route that doesn't go far, let your dh know, you could even agree to message him at regular intervals ( for a sneaky walk ) until it starts to feel normal

Don't go at the same time
Learn who is normally about

(Although I don't fully the understand the 'sneaky walk' reference but I'm very, very ancient.)

I hope the OP's partner would be accepting of a conversation about something like this, otherwise she's got bigger problems.

ginandlemonade23 · 21/05/2023 12:23

OP you were not being unreasonable to be afraid and any decent partner would have come out to meet you. Not sure why posters are acting like women don't often get attacked by strangers... I can think of many recently

Itstoolongtoretirement · 21/05/2023 12:25

I would find that hard to forgive. Unless it happens all the time I would expect your DO to drop everything and come of your son.
I walk home from the station in the dark 2x a week. Once I called my son to say someone had approached me and wouldn’t take No for an answer, wanted money. Son came immediately.

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 12:25

I have to walk when I text anyone - it's a great excuse when you are feeling tired !

Itstoolongtoretirement · 21/05/2023 12:25

Sorry for typos. DP or son.

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 12:37

RemainAtHome · 21/05/2023 09:43

I dont agree there.

If thé OP was ALWAYS extremely anxious, then yes.
As a one off, I believe the OP was right to believe her instincts. We all know that on paper a man might just have been walking past but actually had other intentions.

Also the issue is that her DH didn’t listen to her. He acted as if he didn’t believe her, didn’t believe she had reasons to be worried about etc.. That in itself isn’t ok.

Show quote history

We will need to agree to disagree. The simple fact of the matter is the ops instincts were wrong. He was simply a man out walking down a path. There is no way round this. And he clearly wasn’t about to take her dog lead and strangle her. The man did nothing other than be walking there at the same time as she was.

i do t comprehend the whole trust your gut, when her gut was evidentially wrong, or comments on warding off an atttack or victim blaming. There was no warding off of an attack, she is not a victim, and I am going to assume her husband and son know her better than we do so understood this was a mental health issue and not she was about to be “strangled with her dog lead”. Which, that thought alone verifies it is a mental health issue , never mind the fact he was just a bloke walking down the lane and had no interest in her,

so staying in more public places, carrying an alarm, if it helps her anxiety then that’s the route to take. Her partner made the right decision, based on his knowledge of her and he was in face time and it would have taken mere mins for the man to pass her and go on his way . She was at no risk at all.

FairAcre · 21/05/2023 12:47

EllandRd · 21/05/2023 04:05

Are you always this dramatic?

Because women are never attacked and murdered are they?

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 12:55

Women are rarely attacked and murdered by random men

Women overestimate the danger to the point it is damaging to their mental health and physical activity levels

blahblahblah1654 · 21/05/2023 13:04

Men are more at risk of being attacked/beaten up randomly than women being sexually attacked by stranger. Not to say it doesn't happen but most sexual assaults are by someone who is known to the victim.

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 13:15

@prettylittleroses. I am not mentally unwell. In my line of work I frequently meet and greet small groups of men and single men at a remote location. I have never felt threatened. I am not anxious about being with men I don’t know. The issue with the dog walk was that the man appeared seemingly from nowhere on a very long lane. My dog stops and sniffs every few steps and I of course look around at the view etc. I can almost see both ends of the lane but he appeared at about 10 metres away and seemed to be walking very fast towards me. That is why I was spooked.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 21/05/2023 13:26

Your husband was right not to pander to such silliness.

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 13:38

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 13:15

@prettylittleroses. I am not mentally unwell. In my line of work I frequently meet and greet small groups of men and single men at a remote location. I have never felt threatened. I am not anxious about being with men I don’t know. The issue with the dog walk was that the man appeared seemingly from nowhere on a very long lane. My dog stops and sniffs every few steps and I of course look around at the view etc. I can almost see both ends of the lane but he appeared at about 10 metres away and seemed to be walking very fast towards me. That is why I was spooked.

If my adult DSD rang and told my DP she was spooked in that scenario, he'd go straight away. Interestingly, her own partner probably wouldn't; but he's uncaring generally.

What's he like generally, @Perky1?

Blondey2023 · 21/05/2023 13:41

A man walked quickly by you and this is the drama that you created?! Get a grip.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 13:52

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 13:15

@prettylittleroses. I am not mentally unwell. In my line of work I frequently meet and greet small groups of men and single men at a remote location. I have never felt threatened. I am not anxious about being with men I don’t know. The issue with the dog walk was that the man appeared seemingly from nowhere on a very long lane. My dog stops and sniffs every few steps and I of course look around at the view etc. I can almost see both ends of the lane but he appeared at about 10 metres away and seemed to be walking very fast towards me. That is why I was spooked.

Did you answer whether you asked your DH to come?

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 14:34

@Shinyandnew1 No I didn’t ask directly. I told him that the man had appeared suddenly walking quickly towards me and it felt odd. He asked our son to find me on his bike but he didn’t tell him I was feeling spooked by a bloke. Son is a child and so I wouldn’t have burdened him with it anyway.

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 21/05/2023 17:52

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 13:15

@prettylittleroses. I am not mentally unwell. In my line of work I frequently meet and greet small groups of men and single men at a remote location. I have never felt threatened. I am not anxious about being with men I don’t know. The issue with the dog walk was that the man appeared seemingly from nowhere on a very long lane. My dog stops and sniffs every few steps and I of course look around at the view etc. I can almost see both ends of the lane but he appeared at about 10 metres away and seemed to be walking very fast towards me. That is why I was spooked.

So by your own admission, you walk slowly because your dog regularly stops and sniffs. Yet the man is deemed as walking quick. Perhaps he wanted past a constantly stopping dog? Perhaps he wanted home for a certain time? Maybe, just maybe, he may even have been nervous around dogs? Among many other reasons as to why some people may walk at a quick pace. I walked quickly past a dog walker just the other day... thankfully he didn't feel I was about to strangle him with his dogs lead. I was simply walking quickly to collect a child 🙄 I hope nobody alerted the neighbourhood watch at the shock of me walking at a brisk pace. I was wearing a hoodie, does that fit the criteria for eerie people ready to pounce and attack?

BriarHare · 21/05/2023 17:55

I think you sound very anxious and irrational. Your partner did the right thing, imo.

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 18:21

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 13:15

@prettylittleroses. I am not mentally unwell. In my line of work I frequently meet and greet small groups of men and single men at a remote location. I have never felt threatened. I am not anxious about being with men I don’t know. The issue with the dog walk was that the man appeared seemingly from nowhere on a very long lane. My dog stops and sniffs every few steps and I of course look around at the view etc. I can almost see both ends of the lane but he appeared at about 10 metres away and seemed to be walking very fast towards me. That is why I was spooked.

Anxiety is a mental illness, mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

Do you understand and accept the man was no threat to you, he was simply going about his way? And that declaring to your partner you thought he might take the dog lead and strangle you is not within the norms of a healthy reaction to a bloke walking down the path. Or that he was not “coming at you” he was just quickly walking down the path. And that he didn’t just suddenly appear or manifest. And that you were not at any risk at all? As evidenced by the fact he just walked past you? And that he is allowed to walk down the path quickly to get where he is going?

CoachPiggyStardust · 21/05/2023 18:32

Mumsnet at it’s bitchy best.
On any other thread the OP would be told to read The Gift of Fear and trust her instincts!

You were not wrong to feel unsettled and any caring partner would have come to meet you.

Blondey2023 · 21/05/2023 18:35

CoachPiggyStardust · 21/05/2023 18:32

Mumsnet at it’s bitchy best.
On any other thread the OP would be told to read The Gift of Fear and trust her instincts!

You were not wrong to feel unsettled and any caring partner would have come to meet you.

Unsettled at a man walking quickly?? I'm genuinely asking why you think this warrants this reaction?

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 18:42

@CoachPiggyStardust Yes I agree, some people seem to revel in being nasty and trying to humiliate me but I am taking away the sound advice and messages of support. Time to walk the dogs now 👋

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/05/2023 18:45

Tbh I don’t actually think it matters if the OP’s instinct was right or not for the point of the thread.

Shes someone who regularly walks her dog without worry and does not regularly call her partner anxious about someone she’s encountered.

If I called my DH in that situation he’d have come to meet me as asked and then later, if needed, questioned the whys and what’s and what about next times.

It was unusual for the OP to feel threatened so I don’t think it unfair of her to feel upset at having that dismissed by her partner.

She felt threatened and he wouldn’t help. He had no way of knowing at that point if she was right or wrong, he just dismissed her request regardless. And that’s understandably upsetting.

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 18:52

CoachPiggyStardust · 21/05/2023 18:32

Mumsnet at it’s bitchy best.
On any other thread the OP would be told to read The Gift of Fear and trust her instincts!

You were not wrong to feel unsettled and any caring partner would have come to meet you.

But she was wrong, the man walked on by. He was simply a man walking down the same path as her. There was no attack, nothing even dodgy. He literally walked quickly down the same path as her.

trying to pretend her instincts were right and he was some dodgey bloke with a desire to strangle women with their dog leads is wrong . It does her no favours and it is not bitchy to point out she was at no point at risk.