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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 21/05/2023 06:16

He possibly thought that just by being on face time you were comforted by him. He could see that you were feeling more relaxed and knew that you would say something more if the situation escalated or kept worrying you.

You didn't actually ask him to come out.
Next time specifically ask him to ride to the lane and escourt you home.

Have some way of protecting yourself in future - a piercing whistle, a flashing light and siren. And walk with someone else on dusk or in poor lighting.

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 06:19

I wouldn't have come to get you because a man walked past you either.

GracePalmer33 · 21/05/2023 06:25

I've read a lot of accounts by women who have been attacked /harmed by strangers and a lot of them recall having a strange feeling /spidery sense that something bad was going to happen. I really do believe that we shouldn't ignore things like that, even is it just means we change our route and get to a public place quicker or call someone.. If we're wrong then we're wrong and no harm done but if we're right then we may have protected ourselves.

I'd be upset with my husband if he didn't take me seriously when I'm scared. (The majority of) men are very fortunate in that they never have to feel scared walking anywhere the way that women do. My husband says he never has, no matter the location or time of day, it would never even cross his mind to be worried that he may be harmed by someone.

Bonitalazenia · 21/05/2023 07:06

YANBU. Please google PCSO Julia James. She was weirded out by a man who subsequently murdered her. Happened local to me. Listen to your gut.

Cas112 · 21/05/2023 07:14

Your being absolutely ridiculous

ThankmelaterOkay · 21/05/2023 07:23

If he was literally just sat around, then yes, he should have come to you. Or at least met you on your way back. You were frightened.

Dammitthisisshit · 21/05/2023 07:35

I’m a bit in 2 minds. It does sound like you were overly anxious- you say so yourself. A man walking quickly isn’t anything to be anxious about.

But… the point of being in a relationship is surely to have that person who offers support when you need it, regardless of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. That person who can offer support when you’re anxious or upset.

So unless you’re always doing this then he should have met you.

HappyHappyy · 21/05/2023 07:44

In life, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. You did the right thing to make a call to your partner, I would've expected him to meet you as you were distressed.

You know when something feels off, don't doubt those feelings. You must've walked country lanes many times before so you know when something isn't sitting as it should.

Lynn Russell & those beautiful girls & dog? Walking home from school.

Follow your gut.

Ninjama1 · 21/05/2023 08:03

I don't see how anyone can understand the level of anxiety of the OP. Is it only in the wake of stories like Sarah Everard that we hear all the outpouring of support? Are some people more deserving than others? I live in an area where there is a wonderful 4 mile walk but it is very desolate in parts and yes I admit that I will not walk it on my own. I do know though that if i called my H he would be out like a shot.

DustyLee123 · 21/05/2023 08:05

So learn from it and don’t put yourself in that situation again.

Greenfairydust · 21/05/2023 08:11

Some of the comments on this thread are incredibly crass...

Back to you OP: I can understand how you felt because we keep reading in the media about women being assaulted by men in places like parks.

So of course it is going to play in your mind.

The point is that you were unsettled, not whether that man was dodgy or not.

You had a gut feeling that something was not right, you were worried enough to call your partner and ask for help and he basically could not be arsed to do anything.

That would concern me. I would say a loving partner would have wanted to support you and would have got his backside off the sofa.

You now know that he won't have your back in this type of situation. I frankly would be concerned about this and I would see the relationship in a different way.

If you truly love someone your first instinct should be to want to be there for them of they are worried, scared or concerned about their safety.

As for the people who are trying to make you feel bad about yourself ignore them (I assume there is an agenda behind these comments...like they might not all be coming from women for example)

You should always listen to your instincts. If you feel that someone is acting suspiciously, you are completely right to take measures to protect yourself.

Terrysnotmine · 21/05/2023 08:14

My mother died early last night. Am I unreasonable in thinking my partner could of either waited up until I got home to check I was ok (I was back before midnight) or maybe actually bothered to get out of bed this morning to see me?. Maybe I’m just feeling self indulgent!.

Quveas · 21/05/2023 08:20

A man was walking down the path. He passed you and carried on walking. In other words, there was no threat, and he was just going about his business out for a walk or going somewhere, just like you were. You stopped to watch him. You facetimed your partner who was on the facetime the whole time you were out. Two days later, having stewed over it, you bring it up.

Sorry but if you are prone to feeling anxious and vulnerable, perhaps you shouldn't be walking the dog in an isolated spot at dusk? It doesn't sound like a sensible thing to do.

BigFatLiar · 21/05/2023 08:22

Should have just told him you wanted him to come and get you. If anything had happened would he have arrived in time to help of would he have been too late?

If you want him to be there to look after you you need to say that he should walk with you.

Cc1998 · 21/05/2023 08:31

You're walking your dog in the evening in an isolated spot and you assume a man walking quickly is going to strangle you with a dog lead, for no reason other than he's walking quickly, but you think facetiming your husband and asking him to eventually come out to you would prevent that? I'm lost, sorry.

dudsville · 21/05/2023 08:37

I think those saying that there was no threat are relying too much on the outcome of this event. It could have gone another way, perhaps face time effected the outcome, perhaps OP's stopping and clocking him effected the outcome. It's too neat to say nothing happened and therefore OP was overreacting.

OP if i rang my partner in the same way i would expect him to pause what he was doing until i said I felt safe. I wouldn't expect him to be able to get to me in time but i would expect his due concern. Being a smaller man it was actually quite a learning curve for him to realise the difference in our strength. He can over power me in an instant. Women don't always get a warning of impending bad things, but we should listen to our gut and it's ok if sometimes we are on guard when no additional action is needed.

Bonitalazenia · 21/05/2023 08:40

@Terrysnotmine Sorry to read this, are you ok?

Weatherwax13 · 21/05/2023 08:41

Jeez some of these responses. In the absence of a drip feed, I'll assume that OP doesn't make a daily habit of summoning people to her rescue. And that something about this bloke felt off.
OP had an instinctive reaction and who knows? Perhaps this bloke realised she was talking to someone and decided he'd better keep going.
OP, I'd be upset too in your place. Really shit things can happen to women walking alone. We live in a fucking society where we're now warned not to stop and talk to a male police officer if we're on our own ffs!
We shouldn't shame OP for having been scared.

HappyAsASandboy · 21/05/2023 08:50

Did you ask him to come and meet you?

DH and I both find it exhausting and difficult if the other person expects us to guess when they need/want help. If either of us need or want help, we just ask! Then the other person is in no doubt about what is being requested, and can either help or not depending on whatever.

I can't be doing with guessing. If you'd rung me and said something along the lines of "scary man coming, he's walked past now, yup, he's gone round the corner", I'd assume that with the scary man gone, your walk is now as safe as it was when you decided to go out alone in the first place.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2023 08:53

He should have come out to meet you. How horrid that he put tv before getting you home safe.

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 08:55

There's a reasonable chance that while you're out on a walk you will come across other people. If that is likely to make you anxious, then you might want to reconsider walking in those areas alone. It's meant to be enjoyable after all.

Was there something specific about this man that made you nervous? Because you are likely to come across lone men while walking, men going about their walk just likey ou are.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 21/05/2023 08:57

AnyaMarx · 21/05/2023 04:31

A poster on our local curtain twitching page posted something like this

So
Scared she had to pick up her dog and run

After around 160 ridiculous comments a woman piped up . "Hi - yes this is my husband- he goes for a walk daily at that time in that spot - he did t even see you . He's terribly sorry you were scared "

I absolutely laughed my arse off.

People can't even go for a walk now ? Bec they're a lone male doing no one any harm whatsoever but because they're male and walking alone they simply must be a potential murderer /rapist/ ?

I genuinely think people need to get a grip and worry when there is something to worry over .

This. Nothing about the OP sounds suspicious and I'd be going to nobody's aid for some poor man out for an evening stroll minding his own business.

WhatInFreshHell · 21/05/2023 08:59

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Squidlette · 21/05/2023 09:01

But by the time your dh got there, surely it would have been too late anyway? I'm fully aware that when I go for a run, I'm screwed if anything should happen, but that's the chance I take.

A woman on our local site posted pictures of a man she said was following her. He ended up getting death threats. His friend then said he just likes walking. As the mother of a nd son, who also likes to wander by himself, this makes me really sad.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 21/05/2023 09:07

I can't believe there are so many posts telling the OP that they were being silly.

Until men stop attacking women, women and girls should listen to their intuition.

How do you feel about your partner now OP?