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Original poster

Partner didn’t come to my aid

185 replies

Perky1 · 21/05/2023 00:11

A couple of days ago I was walking our dog at dusk down a long country lane. I saw a man walking quickly my way and felt uneasy so stopped to keep an eye on him and Facetimed my partner. I told him I felt scared. Man passed and eventually rounded a corner. I continued the walk and after a while felt he was out the way. Partner was watching TV at time and didn’t offer to come out but asked our son to ride to me on his bike. Son said he didn’t want to. My partner didn’t tell him I was feeling nervous. I kept partner on FaceTime until I was back in our village. I brought this up with him today, that I had felt vulnerable as I was in an isolated spot, I can’t run due to Long Covid cardiac issues and I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me. Anyway I know I am probably being over anxious about the latter but I felt my partner of 30 years should have popped out to meet me.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 21/05/2023 09:08

Quveas · 21/05/2023 08:20

A man was walking down the path. He passed you and carried on walking. In other words, there was no threat, and he was just going about his business out for a walk or going somewhere, just like you were. You stopped to watch him. You facetimed your partner who was on the facetime the whole time you were out. Two days later, having stewed over it, you bring it up.

Sorry but if you are prone to feeling anxious and vulnerable, perhaps you shouldn't be walking the dog in an isolated spot at dusk? It doesn't sound like a sensible thing to do.

I do agree with this. If you're nervous walking alone then ask him to come with you.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/05/2023 09:10

CircleofWillis · 21/05/2023 05:31

I am not understanding all the 'you over reacted' posts here.
According to the office of National statistics, from March 2021 to March 2022 in England and Wales:

  • 798,000 women experienced sexual assault
  • 666,000 people experienced violent assault from a stranger.

It is not possible to tell the intentions of someone you encounter and that little prickle of unease is all that you might get. If all of you who are saying she overreacted are ignoring that feeling or suggesting other people should, you are being very unwise.

This. OP was taking a sensible precaution, luckily not needed this time.

Anyone mocking her or telling women to ignore their instincts is increasing the danger women face.

PoolSafety · 21/05/2023 09:12

DH would have with me like greased lightening. He trusts my judgement and so do I! And if more women did they'd be thousands less dead women every year. Plenty of women who have been brutally attacked felt something was 'off' but don't want to be see as hysterical. It's dangerous to tell women to ignore their instincts. It doesn't make you cool or clever.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 09:15

I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me.

I think if you have thoughts like that when someone walks quickly past you, then taking the dog for walks down long country lanes alone at dusk probably isn’t sensible in future. When do you normally walk it? Can you go during the day and go around the village itself instead?

If your DH had have not stayed on the phone/FaceTime then I would have said that’s was unreasonable, but he did. How far away from home were you when this happened? Did you come straight home?

Zodfa · 21/05/2023 09:17

As a reassurance, I imagine having a dog with you reduces the chances of being randomly attacked significantly (unless the dog is really tiny). Most men don't want to deal with a potentially fierce animal with sharp teeth. You can train your dog to bark at a raised fist which will also help scare off attackers.

Museya15 · 21/05/2023 09:32

Obviously he couldn't be arsed but if something did happen, he'd never forgive himself ( I hope!)

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 09:35

I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me

goodness. As the man just walked on past this seems an anxiety issue. I think uou need to not walk the dog in isolated spots and speak fo your gp .the man was simply walking past you

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 09:36

Also have you ever reacted like this before?

RemainAtHome · 21/05/2023 09:40

Men have absolutely no idea of how vulnerable women feel on their own in an isolated place. They all assume that how they feel about it is how women feel about it. There is no awareness if the fact women have all been sexually harassed or assaulted.

The fact the OP stayed on FaceTime with him all the way back home should have alerted him to how anxious the OP was about the whole thing.

Whether she was ‘right’ or not to be anxious is not here nor there. She needed support and I would have expected him to give her some.

RemainAtHome · 21/05/2023 09:43

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 09:35

I said the man could have took the dog lead from me and used it to strangle me

goodness. As the man just walked on past this seems an anxiety issue. I think uou need to not walk the dog in isolated spots and speak fo your gp .the man was simply walking past you

I dont agree there.

If thé OP was ALWAYS extremely anxious, then yes.
As a one off, I believe the OP was right to believe her instincts. We all know that on paper a man might just have been walking past but actually had other intentions.

Also the issue is that her DH didn’t listen to her. He acted as if he didn’t believe her, didn’t believe she had reasons to be worried about etc.. That in itself isn’t ok.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 09:45

Are you generally an anxious person?
Who normally walks the dog and when?
Did you ask your DH to come and meet you?

Superdupes · 21/05/2023 09:47

I think this was an over reaction, the man did nothing to make you wary apart from be in a hurry. It's good that you were aware of the situation of course and had your OH on facetime, but if you'd only walked to that point from home then your OH would be able to get to you in a few minutes in the car if he saw you were in any actual danger I'd imagine.

It's very unlikely for someone to attack a person that is on the phone I suspect as the person on the other end would be immediately alerted and the chance of them getting caught would be very high. Having a dog also reduces the chance and where you live - how many murders/assaults have been committed in and around your village? Is it really likely that you're going to be the first person ever? Attacked by someone random that is completely unknown to you? It's possible of course but highly unlikely. Crime stats in any city or town will be far, far higher than in your village. If you were wondering around some deserted common in London then I'd think differently.

IHateLegDay · 21/05/2023 09:48

In an isolated spot in the evening, if a man was walking quickly toward me, I would probably also feel anxious.
I wouldn't assume he would take my dog lead and strangle me with it though. I think your DH did nothing wrong.

CabernetSauvignon · 21/05/2023 09:54

IHateLegDay · 21/05/2023 09:48

In an isolated spot in the evening, if a man was walking quickly toward me, I would probably also feel anxious.
I wouldn't assume he would take my dog lead and strangle me with it though. I think your DH did nothing wrong.

I would assume the man was in a hurry. Boring explanations are always the most likely.

If the man had really meant to attack you, OP, there is no way your husband could have got to you in time to help.

CabernetSauvignon · 21/05/2023 09:55

As a one off, I believe the OP was right to believe her instincts. We all know that on paper a man might just have been walking past but actually had other intentions.

But clearly she was wrong to believe her instincts on this occasion, and this man actually was just walking past. Because that is what happened.

tiger2691 · 21/05/2023 09:59

This is what anxiety does, it's not the fault of the OP.

BeagleMum1 · 21/05/2023 10:02

DustyLee123 · 21/05/2023 08:05

So learn from it and don’t put yourself in that situation again.

Thanks for the Victim blaming. Always the woman that has to mitigate against attack, if she dares to walk alone / in an isolated place / live her life, eh? and if she is assaulted, it's her fault?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 21/05/2023 10:04

CabernetSauvignon · 21/05/2023 09:55

As a one off, I believe the OP was right to believe her instincts. We all know that on paper a man might just have been walking past but actually had other intentions.

But clearly she was wrong to believe her instincts on this occasion, and this man actually was just walking past. Because that is what happened.

So that's what you recommend is it? Don't bother listening to your instinct because you're probably not going to be attacked? With the added comfort that if you are attacked you can tell yourself your instincts had been correct after all ...

SoupDragon · 21/05/2023 10:05

BeagleMum1 · 21/05/2023 10:02

Thanks for the Victim blaming. Always the woman that has to mitigate against attack, if she dares to walk alone / in an isolated place / live her life, eh? and if she is assaulted, it's her fault?

Show quote history

It isn't "victim blaming" to suggest that a person doesn't do something if it makes them feel scared and anxious.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/05/2023 10:05

I would be disappointed, too.

Different situation in that this man was walking through the woods with his fly undone and everything on display. He walked past me and seemed oblivious to my/dog’s presence but I rounded the nearest bend and legged it. Stopped at the end of the path and called my husband. He and my son were with me in minutes.
Obviously a bit more alarming than just someone walking quickly towards me but I hadn’t got as far as explaining the exposure yet, I’d just said “just passed a bloody weirdo …” and my husband said I’m on my way.
Unless this is something OP regularly does, she was right to go with her gut and her partner’s disinterest was not on.

MayThe4th · 21/05/2023 10:07

And I bet that if the OP had posted that her DH refused to let her go out for walks on her own because he wanted to go to protect her he would be accused of disempowering her.

Ultimately the only thing the DH could have done was give reassurance on FaceTime. If the man has wanted to strangle the OP with her dog lead she would likely be long dead by the time the DH arrived. Assuming that even happened.

Ultimately if the deserted path isn’t safe to walk at night, don’t go walking there. There are places round here I wouldn’t go wandering around late at night, and while I would appreciate my DP’s support, I certainly don’t think any woman should feel that she needs the constant protection of a man. There are ways to stay safe which don’t involve having to do that.

Walkden · 21/05/2023 10:15

"Thanks for the Victim blaming"

Except there is no victim here is there? There was certainly no aggressor who should be blamed for the non incident.

MayThe4th · 21/05/2023 10:15

BeagleMum1 · 21/05/2023 10:02

Thanks for the Victim blaming. Always the woman that has to mitigate against attack, if she dares to walk alone / in an isolated place / live her life, eh? and if she is assaulted, it's her fault?

Show quote history

OP feels anxious walking around that area on her own. So the answer is simple. Don’t walk around there alone. That’s hardly victim blaming is it?

The OP can empower herself to not feel anxious by avoiding those areas where she doesn’t feel safe. Yes in the ideal world there wouldn’t be creeps and weirdos out there but we live in the real world. So the OP and others can feel safer by not wandering around deserted areas.

Unless you think that it would be better to rely on the presence of a man? Because that’s really empowering isn’t it? Not.

midgemadgemodge · 21/05/2023 10:17

We seriously need to get a grip on stranger danger

Men go out and walk , it is a normal activity

Original poster
Perky1 · 21/05/2023 10:21

@Terrysnotmine I am so am so sorry to hear about your mother. Wishing you peace and comfort over the coming days x

OP posts: