In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

@WellitsNotideal You're relying an awful lot on other people's goodwill, and as said by pp creating a bubble for yourself.

Will your sister always batch cook for you? Her circumstances may change. Are you expecting your mum to take over from DP when she retires? Parents of retired age can get worn out faster, or fall ill themselves, or care for their spouses.

It sounds as though your physical deterioration has hit you like a train wreck, and has combined with mental health issues in such a way that you're finding it really hard to separate out various aspects of your care.

Have you had an OT to your house? Do you have professional help with your mental health? Have you got stuck emotionally and physically? How much can you outsource if DP stays in employment? Eg cleaning, supermarket delivery, childminder who'll take over nursery runs. Have you contacted relevant organisations that can provide a listening ear?

You may not see it now, but your DP will lead a massively restricted life as a full time carer. I certainly would be very disappointed for my DC if any of them chose to care if there was an alternative.

I can see the 5 year plan but you seem to be banking on others stepping in then. What are you doing?

This is an important question OP. What are YOU doing to help yourself need less support and become more independent? The family may have understood more if you had a plan like, "DH is taking some time off to help get some support into place. Once he's done that, he'll return to work." Is the long term plan for someone else to step into looking after you full time after five years?

OP, you have succeeded in getting your partner’s life to revolve around you. You have pulled your baby out of nursery. I’m with his parents 100%

You've said in one of your posts OP, it's definitely them with the problem, not you.
I think, given that you have now been very detailed in the number of issues you have, I can understand their concern.
To them it may seem to be snowballing and now your partners life has completely changed and has become only about you.
I feel for you both but if this was my son, I'd be concerned.

She was distressed and not settling and then not sleeping at night meaning we had no sleep which impacted my health.
o also have some medication for a set period of time long term and it has affected me so if I get ill I can get very unwell, dd had been I’ll almost every other week from nursery and it was making me so so ill as I’ve already described . We’ve had multiple sickness bugs, strep, hand foot and mouth and nasty throat viruses etc it was too much. Both of the sickness bugs had me hospitalised

And i know all children get illnesses but nursery seems to be the worst where they get everything in a short space of time

What im doing is following my consultants advice and treatment plan as I’m addressing my physical issues first. I’m on treatment for some of my conditions which I’m hoping may improve things .
I’m trying to just get through a day at a time and to also be a good mum to my dc it takes a lot of energy out of me even doing ‘normal’ tasks most people just do and don’t notice an energy drop .
I have counselling too but my priority is my physical health at the moment

What does your DP do for work? I think the reaction of the family seems to be more that its in your mind

@WellitsNotideal I have M.E and have done for many years. It may not be on the scale you have yours atm, I also suffer with complex ptsd from a decade of abuse. I manage them the best I can. I can only say regarding the children it doesn’t get better. My daughter is 7 and in the end of last year I was in hospital twice on drips from whatever she brought home. She was actually less sick in nursery it feels. But nursery was so good for her social skills. This past few months she has brought home strep A, hand foot and mouth, bronchitis, flu, norovirus. many colds and coughs. I’ve been sick after sick but there is nothing I can do. I’m just wondering whether you see a big change happening in 5 years. I only ask because I’ve had M.E over that and the ptsd coming on 5 years now. They are with me forever but I do a lot of work to manage them. I have a brilliant therapist. Trauma therapy is great! Also my partner has been sick . He’s had a terrible cough now for about 2 months. You can’t keep her inside for years hoping she won’t get sick. It’s better to build immunity young otherwise you risk her being more sick in the future.

They do know all of my conditions there are more physical than MH. They seem to have the opinion that I just need to be stronger / try harder

Also gives your partner a break as he will need it.

The 5 years isn’t just plucked from nowhere there are things planned in that time and I’m hoping to be improving over that time . I do t want to go into too much detail as it’s complicated and my medical history but I’m taking the advice of my consultants and I have a lot to go through in that time

After the 5 years if I’m ok we would probably look at DP going back to work but it would likely be part time

I agree with the in law's. What is going to change in 5 years? Its a very sad situation made worse by bringing multiple(?) Children into the mix.

Would a nanny be an option?

So if he goes back part time he isn't just stepping back into his old career is he?
He would then be working and expected to care for you/the kids on top of that.
I don't think his family expect you just to be stronger, I think they want you to work with what you have, including getting outside help so their sons life doesn't effectively stall at this point.
If your child is bringing back bugs from nursery they will be building up their immunity, if they don't go to nursery this cycle will probably repeat itself once they start primary school....your whole plan just seems like you are kicking the can down the road and expecting something miraculous to happen in five years time.
You seem to be quite happy for his world to get increasingly smaller so I imagine when it is time for him to return to work and his focus is no longer on you it won't end well.

The plan after 5 years is hopefully I’ll be a bit better and DP can work (?part time) and we use wraparound care at school etc and outsource if needed . Currently things are so bad this is the best way for us

Not at all, as I’ve said I’m on some long term treatment. I may be having some surgery / surgeries at some point I’m not just giving up and stagnating

Everything else aside, if he's your DP and not your DH, he is making himself extremely vulnerable. No way would I ever advise an unmarried woman to give up her career and become a full time carer for a man she wasn't married to.

YABU to let him make such a huge sacrifice for you without the protection of marriage.

For that reason alone, I can understand why his parents are worried.

Sorry OP, I'm coming from the perspective of taking 5 years out being such a lot. Does he like his job? There must be an alternative. Could the council give you a carer?

He’s an accountant so was doing that but was also doing some other things as and when needed at the family business (so could in theory just go back part time doing one or the other when we are ready) as he was doing 2 roles really