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Original poster

In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

310 replies

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 11:55

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

OP posts:
Duvetdreamers · 20/05/2023 02:35

I would NEVER, EVER in a million years allow my DH to quit his job and be my carer. You need to find ANO solution promptly

Ebony69 · 20/05/2023 03:33

I would be concerned as well if my son gave up his career to be a full time carer for his partner. it seems that in your case you struggle to see your DH and child having lives beyond you. There is nowhere in your posts where you acknowledge the losses for your DH or child being pulled out of nursery. I cannot see you being able to accept your DH ever going back to work. The paternal family can see exactly this and those criticising the paternal family for their opinion are missing the whole picture

Ebony69 · 20/05/2023 03:35

*partner , not DH

marapournumber4 · 20/05/2023 04:00

I'd be very sad for my son. Get a nanny. You are obviously well enough to type , so become a transcriptionist. Pay the nanny with that.

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:00

What support does your Partner have to cope with being a full time carer then?@WellitsNotideal ,

I have done full time caring and it's bloody hard work 💯 per cent. !

I am suprised I haven't got lots of greys hairs , all over my head, !

It nearly broke me,

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:03

To expect someone to be a full time carer, with no physical or emotional help support
,is Crazy, !

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:14

@marapournumber4 I totally agree, I would certainly not be happy with any child of mine being a full time Carer, !

5 weeks or 5 months being a carer is just a like extreme Struggle let alone 5 years, !

He sounds amazing person, like a deserves to awarded Sainthood or martyrdom !
not quite sure which one,
I think both really. !

you Need to get and pay proffessionals like a cleaner ect and see about NHS, providing Carers to come to your house too.

Just not fair @WellitsNotideal , !
when he has got no support emotionally and practically to deal with being up for such demanding 24 hours slog carer job and the impact it will have on him..

I suffer too with Rumertoid Athritis and OestoAthritis aswell.

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:17

I had a nervous breakdown being a carer, !

he needs to talk to someone like me, for him to wise up . !

PartyPartyYeah · 20/05/2023 04:21

I'm autistic, also have 9 other conditions including 2 heart conditions and physical ones.
I also have children with complex needs.
Unfortunately me not being their main carer isn't an option, I spend every day in pain and sometimes overwhelmed but I have no choice, i also keep going for them because they need me.
I think if my husband didn't work we would kill each other (not literally).
Anyway my point is, i don't actually know what my point is but try not to dwell on what others think and focus on you getting your support.

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:24

@Over40Overdating

Have you read @speakout very sage wise emotionally intelligent comments full time carers don't realise sheer magnitude of looking after someone, effects all aspects of their lives,
.Carer often neglects themselves to compensate for looking after someone else etc,

the person who is unwell, needs don't Trump their Carers needs aswell,

Career needs are just as important aswell. !

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:27

I agree with his family its selfish to just think of yourself not impact of your partner too

Hellenabe · 20/05/2023 04:34

Giving up work for 5 years is a huge ask in terms of the economy. What if he then struggles to find another job? Or if he ended up resenting you. I'd be so disappointed if my children ended up a carer for their partners but at the same time I'd try and help as well so they don't need to give up work.

I think your extended family think your illness is something you need to get over so they aren't being supportive. But to an extent, I think you need to look at other options rather than this.

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 04:38

So he has to look after a baby and op 😳 aswell @WellitsNotideal !

No wonder his parents are seriously concerned for his welfare

It's called looking out for someone cause you care about them. !

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 20/05/2023 05:36

I think that you may both benefit from counselling. Deep down I get the impression that (obviously) you are more comfortable with your partner looking after you than a "paid help". Unfortunately this is putting pressure on your partner to look after you and your child. You cannot stop either of your children picking up bugs and giving them to you, nursery or not. I definitely think that you would be happy for your partner to do this for five years but are you being very (I mean this kindly) selfish? Financially too it will create a bigger burden. I can completely understand his parents concern, particularly as you are receiving benefits that would pay for some caring. Its a big strain in any relationship.

cryinglaughing · 20/05/2023 05:38

I too would be worried.
If he is planning on 5 years, does this mean you aren't working on your mental health?
It seems defeatist not to be aiming for some sort of recovery in that time.

Are you getting help for your mental health?

nettie434 · 20/05/2023 05:48

It's good that your partner wants to support you and I don't think his family are helping matters by making comments but not offering practical help. I hope some of the people on this thread who have made harsh comments about caring and people who need care and support are never in a position themselves where they have any support needs. However, that is very unlikely, especially if they live into their 80s.

It must have been upsetting to have personal assistants/support workers who were not supportive but you said that you gave up your direct payment/PIP. What happens if your DP is ill himself or would just like a day off? He might think he can manage now but we all need a break. I'm not 100% sure about this but I think giving up PIP means that he probably can't claim Carers Allowance which is better than universal credit as it means his National Insurance Contributions are paid. Something that might help you both would be to get in touch with Carers UK and a disability rights organisation so you can look at the financial aspects of your decisions.

Compelledtopost · 20/05/2023 06:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Eastie77Returns · 20/05/2023 06:17

I’d be extremely disappointed if either of my children gave up work to become a FT carer. I wouldn’t be proud or supportive because I think it’s an extremely foolish and shortsighted idea. Realistically, your DP isn’t going to (easily) return to work after a 5 year break so the longer term picture looks quite bleak with a dependency on state funds for many years to come.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/05/2023 06:43

I’m a full time carer for a parent and no, it’s not something I’d want my own children to do for either me or a spouse. But not wanting it doesn’t necessarily mean being unsupportive. It’s your business so I as a parent wouldn’t interfere or make snidey comments but I would be concerned about the impact it would have on future career prospects and the financial impact. Being a carer is very poorly paid. Will you be able to manage financially?

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2023 06:52

Why not just try it for a year? Why tell anyone your 5 year plan? For me it would be the 5 year thing. I was a young carer for a family member and it was very very hard. It affected my own mental health and had a lasting impact on my life and relationships. Yes your DH's family are being rude, but telling people you plan for your DH to be your carer for 5 whole years makes it seem like you haven't grasped the complexity of how it may affect him and your dynamic as a whole.

If I told my own family I was having a 5 year break from work to be a SAHM I think I'd get the same reaction as your DH. Just try it for a year first.

anyolddinosaur · 20/05/2023 07:03

Can understand where the MIL is coming from. It's certainly not ideal and although you may consider it the best option I'd think you should try again with nursey/carers. Your child has had a lot of illness, they will carry on with this for a time then build a better immune system. It was noticeable that kids starting school who had not been to nursery were away a lot more than those who had. Your child is not newborn and you are clearly planning for this to continue at least a short time after they start school. The rest of the family can take a running jump though.

I would feel this way regardless of the sex of my child because women need their own career, relying on another person is foolish.

Your husband is very reliant on your family and you are both reliant on their business. What if the family firm went out of business? What if this becomes too much and he needs to leave? He needs to be able to financially support himself and your children.

Reconsider.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 20/05/2023 07:03

I'm a full time carer. It really isn't ideal for the main breadwinner and husband to step into that role. There are so many issues with that. There will be the positives too (like the memories of the time with his kids when they were tiny) but I hope you will help him as much as you can, OP. This is important for you too. I hope in five years things come together as you wish and he is able to step into work smoothly again. I'd encourage him to take some time out (can you get a respite carer a day a week?) for a break. It's easy for a carer to lose their identity to the caring role. He should also try to remain relevant to his field, which may be hard with a baby to care for as well. You have a good man there OP, and it's great he's willing to do this for you. I just encourage you to consider practical matters and his own needs and well being for now and going forward.

JuliaSnitch · 20/05/2023 07:06

"DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break"

He doesn't have a career if a 5 year break doesn't make any difference...

BedZwift · 20/05/2023 07:07

Another ft carer here, to a family member. Agree with lots of PP, it’s soul destroying.
I hope it works out for your family, I hope you’re both able to keep some semblance of your own lives away from each other as well.

yoga4meinthemorning · 20/05/2023 07:07

I'd put the baby at a childminder, and get DP to cut his hours so he is under the £140 (?) weekly earnings threshold to still carers allowance.

Up the cleaners hours/ use someone like a p/t housekeeper/ mothers help.

Put eldest in after school if that age.

It sounds to me less like he's quitting to be your cater than he's quitting to look after his own dc because you are too disabled too.

I think that's a key distinction that's missing on this thread.