In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

Did having the baby trigger your conditions or were you already experiencing them?

Okay an accountant.

A job that is fairly easy to do from home -why won't your family business allow home working? Yes he'd also be helping a bit with kids at home but it's your parents business so he can be allowed more leeway than other employees?

Unless he just wants a break and is bored and then this makes sense.

I was actually managing ok till the second trimester of my second pregnancy.

I was really really unwell, had an accident , developed a series of autoimmune conditions and it has been debilitating . Just one thing after another and a lot of bad luck .

@Compelledtopost

I suggest you try and overcome your compulsion. Your posts are frankly goading.

That sounds really rough. I agree with PP that you should persist with trying different carers rather than place the burden entirely on your DH for the next five years. What if he gets sick or struggles with his MH - what will you do then? Expect him to power through? I can see why his family are worried for him.

I’ve explained as much as I’m prepared to. I didn’t start this to have to just if it myself all over again. We’ve struggled for a while and have made the best decision based on our situation. My consultant actually agrees - they know the treatments and time frames etc. We are doing our best.

I just wanted support as felt DPs family see me as a burden and think he could do better clearly.

Anyway I’m grateful for the kind responses

I'm sorry if you felt my comment was unkind, but you have invited people to comment on your ILs reaction and it is all bound up in having the baby and not using other carers etc. I hope things ease for you soon.

Good luck with all that. I hope youir health improves.

After six months, when DP has worked out his caring role, I suggest that he out source enough of the carers role to take a day to himself per week.
This will give you a chance to get to know other carers and give him people he can call on when he is sick.
Having a day to himself will also allow him flex time to keep in touch with the business, should that be beneficial.

Does your husband directly ask his family for help? His family could perhaps assist him in one or two areas when he specifically asks for help. ie ferrying children to sport, washing or ironing, cooking meals or sitting with you while he is having time off.

Your husband needs to watch out for his own mental health. The last thing you all need is the two of you needing care and your marriage struggling. Stopping work and a gravely ill partner are huge changes for him to stay positive about.

Op, how will you manage financially when your DP isn't working? Do you have money that you can fall back on as you are not married?

I think it's very kind of your DP to give up work to care for you and look after his children. As others have said, it's important his needs are met as well so hopefully you find a balance

I can see why you need a break from repeated illness but planning for 5 years - and it's probably going to be longer than that if your husband doesnt wear out first - is a legitimate concern for your husband's family. They have mostly expressed it badly but they do have a right to be concerned. You've got through winter, children generally bring back fewer infections in spring/summer. You could try a different nursery or childminder. If you can move a little do you sit outside, it may help. If you could get through to autumn he could take 6 months off to cover peak illness season.

There is possible surgery to help you recover from the accident - can that be brought forward if you go private? Are you willing to try another carer? Your care is never going to be perfect, you need to work on accepting the care that is available. Your husband can also ask his family to help in specific ways, if he can identify tasks they could do to help.

I want my children to have a better life then me and to lead a life without illness. Like I said I have M.E, I grew up with mum having M.S. I would be disappointed if my children had illness in their life having experienced enough in their childhood. I love my mum and my children love me but having ill parents is debilitating. I can understand the disappointment. I would hope my children have free lives to travel and see everything and not have to care for someone. My in laws are a bit disappointed and I understand but my partner is free to leave and they know it’s his choice to live with my limitations.

Completely, it'll be very draining on him, it doesn't surprise me his family isn't thrilled. He needs to prioritise himself and his health too. If it gets too much for him, OP will have to have carers help.

Nope sorry.
Many answers have just shown how ableist people are, just like the ILs.

See thé ‘how could tu get oregano with all the issues you have’ comment.
But no one has asked how could the OP’s DP dare have a child knowing his partner’s limitations. No kne has said he is simply reaping what he had sowed when he decided to become a father in those circumstances. Why do you think that is??

Some very unpleasant and ableist replies on here - sadly I'm not surprised

All the best OP, your husband sounds lovely and I'm glad your own family are supportive even if your in laws are not x

@WellitsNotideal I am chronically ill too. Just a level up from you (more or less housebound)

I HATE comments on how DH has become my carer because he is doing the cooking and housework. But no one ever said the same to me when I was the one doing it all(and wft etc….). That was normal.
I hate when DH is seen as a god because he takes the dcs to an activity they ALL like and do (but he never does take them to the one he isn’t involved/needs to wait/doesn’t like). He is oh so involved but it’s normal for me to still do all the mental load stuff so it’s never mentioned or acknowledged. Actually I’m seeing as the one doing very little for them.

People in general just cannot get their head around the fact disabled people have something to bring to a relationship, to parenting. They can’t get that disabled people are not a burden and nothing else.

Im really sorry for the bashing you got in this thread.
Please do look after yourself.
Have your DP look after himself
And create a nice life fur yourself (away from those who drag you down)

He does get time alone / to relax . When my parents have the dc my dsis comes round and DP is able to go out / relax etc