In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

I had explained that this didn’t work out for us , I think with my autism and anxiety on top of physio issues I just needed someone familiar and I had bad experiences with the carers I did have

*physical issues

Good questions

I’ve already done my PIP assessment……..

This thread was not to be reassessed or have to justify how disabled I am. We’ve made the right choice for our family for the time being. I’m working with my consultants and I’m following all medical advice and having all treatment suggested. I’m frustrated at how my DP family clearly wanted a different life for him it’s hurtful how they see me as a burden to him

Firstly. M.E (Myalgic encephalomyelitis) although it exists on a scale, at the severe end can be absolutely brutal. Even if one has it moderately, recovering from a simple cold can have you in bed for weeks or months.

I knew someone who had it so severely she spent 2 years in bed and needed two crutches to walk, and at the time, me, in my little vain, privileged and stupid head thought 'Melodrama much? Two crutches?? She hasn't been in an accident, obviously she has mental health issues'

Well fast forward 15 years and I developed Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and by god I am so, so sorry (and I got my comeuppance) because I now know what it is like to catch an infection and it take weeks to be able to manage walking to corner shop and carrying one bag of shopping home.

When babies are young they catch a load of infections, their immune systems are stronger at 5 onwards.

For a sad picture of precisely what M.E. can do check out what has happened to Physics Girl on Youtube. Watch her before and after.

When you have several autoimmune conditions and have an energy problem you start getting paranoid about what you do, how you do it, what comes in your house and what goes out. My sister is a nurse and I start freaking out mentally if she comes to my house straight after work as I don't want to catch anything because it means being severely put back.

I am waiting for counselling to try and deal with the fear associated with catching infections and going out to do activities that may leave me exhausted in bed.

Try and get into other people's shoes.

I’m so sorry you are going through this too it’s just unbearable isn’t it

I get so stressed about illness as norovirus hospitalised me twice within a 3 month period . HFM was horrendous and I got so infected and was on antibiotics for nearly a month . Ordinarily it’s good for kids to build their immune system but I can’t cope right now ending up in hospital so often

Are you married?

So your DP is a qualified accountant, so able to be a high earner (although possibly not if your parents business can’t afford to pay him a high wage), then it’s makes even more sense that your PIL aren’t happy.

5 years out then going back part time not working as an accountant is basically giving up his career.

A childminder might be better than nursery if you want to reduce the number of other children your dc is exposed to (and so number of illnesses brought home).

Like everyone else on here, I’d push to keep your DP in work. If he can’t earn a high wage with your parents, look elsewhere and use the extra money to buy in help as this is going to be a long term issue.

Oh and children catch less infections and have stronger immune systems at 5 because they’ve built a stronger immune system by catching bugs earlier.

OP if you think realistically catching the same bugs in 5 years time will have less effect on you, then that’s a sensible plan, but if you don’t think your body will be stronger then, it doesn’t make sense to kick it down the road.

Out of those I can manage the toilet by myself and I can wash myself but sometimes that wash is actually wipes in bed not a shower or bath.

I can walk small distance in the house but not outside currently

Yes we don't actually know what the son does.

He may well just be low level worker and get about the same income as a family being on benefits than working. (With saving in nursery etc)

13 years

He had his dd quite young

Yes because they hospitalised me. Norovirus directly affected one condition I have and I needed to be admitted both times.

I’ve been admitted in the past too as when I was on a medication called methotrexate every time I got Ill I got really ill as it affected my immune system so we just had to stop as the illness were making me really ill

As an accountant, could your dp work from home, if not with your parents company, with another company? If your dcs were with a childminder or nanny (so not lots of other children like a nursery setting), would that work? do you need care all day or just someone to be in the house for short bursts of help?

Just the solution of him quitting does seem pretty final - particularly the time he’s going to return to the workforce will be when your parents will be retiring. If they sell the business he’s stuffed, and if you can’t be alone all day, you’re still going to need him in 5 years.

him quitting and being on benefits seems like the easiest option in the short term, but the worst option long term.

It's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I really feel for you

There is no understanding of hidden disabilities, by the wider public, especially those that don't have an obvious physical cause. People need to see someone who looks ill to be able to sympathise.

No one in my family or friends truly understands. No one. And to a degree no one really can, unless they suffer themselves. I look well and still get odd remarks even from family to the effect that I must not be unwell, because I sound fine on the phone or was out yesterday, or had a goid day etc etc ad.infinitim. My mother will still come to my house coughing from a cold. Love her but she doesn't 100% get it and she's actually been quite good in other ways.

Ironically, My ex understands most of all and is most supportive. He saw me close up. So your husbands family will not understand. My ex BiL at a funeral said to me: 'You know not working isn't good for you don't you? I really care about you and am sad at how you're letting your life go'

Yes he thought he was being caring. It mostly brushed off me as I have a thicker skin now. It took me around 3 weeks to recover from attending the funeral and service (and I went knowing it was going to be bad for me afterwards and just said 'fuck it') and that was with me going home to nap half-way through.

You may find prolonged rest for few years helps you to recover enough to participate more in family life again.

I wish you all the best💐(big hugs)🤗