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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad because I'm not well

245 replies

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 16:30

I've been ill with an infection since the weekend. DH was away at the weekend, so I've been ill since he's been home.
He's so grumpy with me.

I had to go back to the doctor's today because I've been on antibiotics but not getting better, and they advised me to go to a&e. When I phoned DH to let him know, I could practically hear his eyes rolling.
He works in the hospital I was told to go to, but he refused to come down to see me before he left. Said he couldn't because he had to get the kids. He gets the baby from nursery every day, and it's open 1.5h later than when he normally picks them up so I don't see why he couldn't have come over for 5-10 minutes just to check I'm ok.

He's now having a strop because I've had some blood tests and the results won't be back until half 5, so I won't be home until 6pm at the very earliest.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/05/2023 09:34

It's very obvious that yours is a marriage to a nasty arsehole.

What are your options?

OrbandSpectacle · 18/05/2023 09:34

Definitely a sniff of an OW about his behaviour.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 18/05/2023 09:39

He's horrible OP. Get yourself better and then throw this one away as he's rotten.

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 18/05/2023 09:47

abmac95 · 18/05/2023 08:51

Are you sure you aren't exaggerating your symptoms and being a hypocondriac? If you are i'd be pissed too.

I work in healthcare myself. I'm the last person to bother the GP or A&E unless I absolutely have to.
I've been trying to deal with the infection since the weekend with antibiotics hoping it will resolve itself. It's been steadily getting worse, to the point colleagues have been texting me checking how I am. One even offered to come to my house at 11pm to look after the children so I could go to hospital if I needed to while my husband was away. They are a clinical colleague and thought I needed further advice and were willing to put themselves out for me without a second thought.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 18/05/2023 09:56

How horrible he has been. How scary and lonely it can be hanging around A&E waiting for results and hoping you have not been forgotten about. Sitting on hard chairs under bright lights when you need to be lying down under a duvet at home. It's tough in A&E on your own. I hope you feel better soon.

I wish more men understood how all these unreasonable resentments and incidents of lack of care add to the "death by a thousand cuts" of our hearts and love for them. You should be cherished. I hope you can cosset yourself a bit today and get some cuddles from your DC.

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 09:58

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:38

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish that he expects you to leave work and delay picking up the kids because the poor selfish big man baby can't wait for his blood results on this own at the hospital. Needs his wife to comfort him and support him - like a useless selfish asshole thinking only of himself. Wawa, poor baby, let him sit by himself. And then telling the wife - how can you stay with such a selfish whiner?

This is absolute BS.

In fact there was a recent thread where a woman posted saying she had run out of sympathy for her husband, hadn't gone to see him in hospital etc and she was told by 99% of posters how horribly she was behaving and that she was unkind, needed to show some empathy etc.

The only time people post as you've suggested is when a woman posts saying her male partner has a bit of a sniffle, is wearing the dressing gown of doom and has checked out of parenting despite just having a cold.

SpringleDingle · 18/05/2023 10:00

That sounds heartbreaking, he really sounds like he just doesn’t give a shit. I’m sorry, you deserve better!

Groutyonehereagain · 18/05/2023 10:00

@Stripyunicorn your posts are painful to read. I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a dreadful relationship. My DH and I always say that the most important thing in our relationship, is to look after each other. That’s how it should be. I hope you’re feeling better soon and find the strength to either leave him or make things better. 💐

hevs03 · 18/05/2023 10:01

OP I do hope the new medication is starting to take effect and you begin to feel better, your DH does come across as being particularly unsympathetic towards you at a time when he really should be stepping up and helping out and showing some concern for your well being. This incident has highlighted to you how he can be and perhaps once you are fully recovered it might be something that you address with him one-to-one and from that you can think about what would be best for you and your children going forward, it is a lot too take on board right now but certainly something to deal with in the not too distant future. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope things work out for you.

SheilaFentiman · 18/05/2023 10:02

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 09:58

This is absolute BS.

In fact there was a recent thread where a woman posted saying she had run out of sympathy for her husband, hadn't gone to see him in hospital etc and she was told by 99% of posters how horribly she was behaving and that she was unkind, needed to show some empathy etc.

The only time people post as you've suggested is when a woman posts saying her male partner has a bit of a sniffle, is wearing the dressing gown of doom and has checked out of parenting despite just having a cold.

Show quote history

Plus, it’s not just that he didn’t pop in to see her before leaving work. That could be excused if he was eg rushing home for the kids.

It’s his attitude to cooking the day before when she was ill, and the stroppy text messages whilst she was in hospital, and the lack of kindness once she got home,

MarkWithaC · 18/05/2023 10:04

He's a cunt, OP. It's that simple. I hope you have an exit plan and resources in place. If not, focus on getting better and then start on that. I wish you well.

And those suggesting the OP is a hypochondriac etc can get to fuck.

Quitelikeit · 18/05/2023 10:06

Op

can I ask what your illness is?

you should contact him by text and ask why he feels so threatened when you are sick? You should ask him if it is because he is resentful that he has to care for his family?

tell him he has been increasingly difficult for the past year and is he thinking he’d be better off on his own? Tell him that would be amazing fir you as you’d have all your weekends free and less laundry and cooking to do!!!

or tell him to man up and support his family!!!

Climbles · 18/05/2023 10:08

Saucemonkey · 17/05/2023 17:14

Concentrate on getting well and leave him to it. I often wonder what will happen when we all get old and fragile with these uncaring men “looking after” us all.

This is one of the reasons there are so many more women than men in care homes. Obviously women living longer is a factor too.

Theunamedcat · 18/05/2023 10:10

abmac95 · 18/05/2023 08:51

Are you sure you aren't exaggerating your symptoms and being a hypocondriac? If you are i'd be pissed too.

You think medical professionals can't spot that? More than one medical professional?

Seriously how low is your opinion of the health care system

Dixiechickonhols · 18/05/2023 10:16

Get well then get cracking on splitting up on your terms. That old if someone shows you who they are listen. You are sick, worried and vulnerable. If he couldn’t be with you there’s plenty of ways to support you.

Nowthenhere · 18/05/2023 10:17

I would probably just be really irritating back. "I know you're worried husband. I've been speaking to someone in the bed next to me, their husband has dropped flowers off, so sweet! We've been to keep our spirits up by swapping stories of how our other half is reacting to all the uncertainty of our health. She sends her love and said the chocolates you got me are lovely. As soon as I know more, I'll update. Hug our children for me, they are so lucky to have mum and dad like us."
... I didn't buy you chocolates?
"You didn't - why not? You must be disappointed with yourself"

Etc. The constant are you nearly finished looking after your health is selfish and draining. Return the favour.

FartSock5000 · 18/05/2023 10:25

@Stripyunicorn I'm so sorry. I think you are realising some hard truths about the actual man you married and not the man you thought he was.

He doesn't seem to care much, does he? Beyond how your illness is inconvenient to his needs.

Do you really deserve this kind of 'love'?

Grimchmas · 18/05/2023 10:27

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish

Whata crock of half baked shit.

Women get fed up with men who check out of any responsibilities as a father and expect their female partner to nurse their every need as soon as they get a sniffle and who have a pattern of every cough and cold being the most dreadful thing ever, while if the woman gets ill he gives not one shit.

That's not a man who is hospitalised, and in every measurable way women are FAR more likely to act with empathy and compassion to somebody who was hospitalised than men are.

Jouve · 18/05/2023 10:28

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 09:27

What’s with the cunt uprising this morning from various posters?

It's GCSE and A level study leave at the moment. I suspect some posters really should be getting on with their revision...

cushioncovers · 18/05/2023 10:31

Make plans to leave him op he doesn't like you let alone love you.

piedbeauty · 18/05/2023 10:36

Christ, this is awful.

OP, you need to leave him. You deserve SO much better than this. You're married to a selfish cunt who doesn't give a shit about you.

Ellyess · 18/05/2023 10:41

I'm so sorry. I can't see this getting better. I would ask for support from anywhere that is best in your area, I mean Counselling. My H was the same. I have so many examples of his callous abuse when I was ill. I don't think it is fair to narrate them to you. I simply think that when you are feeling a bit better, it would be good if you had someone who could give you counselling. You are effectively a single mum dealing with an abuser. It will affect you health.

I am so very sorry. Please don't hope he will improve. I have seen this all too often. Apart from my own case, I did Counselling and nearly everyone I saw were women with selfish abusive husbands like yours.

God bless you. I hope and pray you get well soon. Make a GP appointment and ask for counselling. You need someone on your side to talk to.

Jouve · 18/05/2023 10:47

@Stripyunicorn , I had a similar experience when my DC were small. My H had always been self-centred and entitled, but I only really began to wake up to it after DC2 was born. One day after he'd been away on a work trip, I became ill, went to A&E and was admitted with a potentially life-threatening condition (and thankfully made a full recovery).

My H was left looking after primary-aged DC1 and toddler DC2 and behaved as if I was being ill in order to inconvenience him. He lay down for an afternoon nap with DC2, failed to set an alarm and slept through DC1's school pick-up time - I returned from a medical procedure to find a string of missed calls from the school. When I finally got hold of H his first words were "Well, have you picked DC1 up?". Er, no, because I'm in hospital! No support, no care, no concern for me at all. His main reaction was annoyance that the school would have a go at him for being late.

Turned out that as well as feeling entitled to treat me as a domestic applicance, he also felt entitled to pursue a much younger female work colleague.

It really is shit when you discover that the person who has made vows to love and cherish you only really cares about themselves.

DirtyDuchess · 18/05/2023 10:49

Where had he been the weekend before?

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 10:58

abmac95 · 18/05/2023 08:51

Are you sure you aren't exaggerating your symptoms and being a hypocondriac? If you are i'd be pissed too.

There is always one.

One to assume people are just lazy or exaggerating when they dint ‘perform’ like they are supposed to.
One who thinks they can diagnosed someone over the Internet with lazyness or being an hypochondriac despite the fact 1- they are not a doctor and 2- bone if the doctors at A&E thought she was either….

I hope that you’ll never be ill yourself @abmac95 . You’re in fur a shock.