DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

Can he get done support for gambling addiction? I just googled done key terms and it seems that what he is doing is parallel with gambling addiction.

I think you have two issues, the practical and the relationship.

On the practical, I don't understand the figures - you need to explain those in detail to get proper advice. If you have decent earnings hopefully you can amend your budget to work.

I would not give up work given you live with someone completely untrustworthy.

I don't think I could forgive it twice.

What assets do you have that you can sell e.g. car?

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same).

Not sure if this is his view or yours, but surely if it was investing, he wouldn't be constantly losing money and ending up in massive debt? Either he needs to re-frame this view, or accept that he is a terrible 'investor'.

Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc
Is there a reason DH isn't doing this, given this is his utter fuckup?

I definitely wouldn't give up work, that just feels way too risky when married to someone who is irresponsible with money.

Is he still holding these investments? Some of them may start to increase in value again at some point, even bitcoin is recovering some of its value.

What does your DH have that he could sell to make these 400 a month interest payments? Can you afford this therapy at the moment? I have to say, it doesn't really sound like addictive behaviour unless he has been day trading?

Well if your marriage is to stand any chance of survival he MUST get professional help.
The chances he will relapse are high even with all the help there is.
Relapse is pretty much guaranteed if he thinks he can do it on his own.

You will have to always have control of the finances - even then there is nothing to stop him taking out more loans on future.

Sorry to be so pessimistic OP but you need to be fully aware of the risk.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours

@PrinceHaz op addressed this.

I don't know how I'd move past it, given he's done it twice. I'd want full financial control I think, in the short term.

What a terrible worry.

Have any of these investments paid off, or has he lost the lot and you’re now just faced with the monthly payments/interest
I’d feel furious and betrayed by his behaviour, but from what you’ve written it seems like he’s trying to tackle the problem in the best way possible. In addition to the gambling therapy, I’d suggest going to a relationship counsellor. And I’d definitely expect all of the money to go into my/a joint account so I could manage the situation from here on.

Sorry to be so pessimistic OP but you need to be fully aware of the risk. I think you are just being realistic, not pessimistic.

What a nightmare for you

Protect your current assets e.g. make sure he can never remortgage the house without you knowing, make sure you have access to all his bank accounts. See if you can look at his credit file with Equifax/Experian..is there a way you can ask his bank not to issue him personal loans or overdrafts?

There are charities that can offer long term support for gambling addiction or debt problems. Maybe he could volunteer for one to give him a reality check?

Go see. Counsellor yourself op
You need support to decide what to do

Sorry, but my advice would be to leave. You will never trust him again, and for me the respect would also be gone.

I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc

As a PP said, the money saving, scrimping, etc is 100% your husband's responsibility - he caused the problem, he needs to do the dirty work involved in sorting out. He needs to make his own sandwiches for work, he needs to get that second job, he needs to buy himself a bike to save on fares, he should sell his own stuff to fill the hole he dug himself into. Not you.

Do not give up your job, whatever the pressure because you need some financial independence

I'd try and separate any money you have away from joint accounts and make him understand that the debt is his problem to fix as he caused it.
Like with all addictions, it's definitely in divorce territory if he doesn't get his act together quickly.

When I was a lot younger I worked in an admin role for a family solicitor. There were so many couples divorcing because of one partner’s gambling addiction, it was heartbreaking and really opened my eyes to how common the problem is. Often the couple still loved each other, but one had to divorce the other to shield themselves from debts.

I’m sorry but I do honestly think you should divorce him. This is not the first time he’s lost tens of thousands without telling you. Stay in a relationship if you like, but sever your legal and financial ties.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up work. It’s your best and most viable exit plan.

I've just seen that this is the second time he has done it

Honestly I wouldn't be able to trust him again. He is gambling away your future

If you need £1.2m for a small 3 bed you live in an expensive part of London. Where I am in London you could get that for £600k easily and be 25 mins from Liverpool Street.

What's the flat worth? Could you sell it, use some of the equity to pay off the debts and then buy a 3 bed house in a cheaper area? Presumably he needs to be commutable to the city but that is easy enough. Whilst not ideal it is presumably relatively easy for you to find a job in the new area given the teachers shortage.

Definitely don't give up your job OP.

I agree with pp that he needs to be the one making cutbacks. If he's on a high salary and it all goes into his account I wouldn't be surprised if he has other expensive hobbies that you're not completely aware of.

This happened to me, dh had also come to the conclusion he had a problem, removed all gambling apps and sought therapy THEN I found out about the financial black hole.

It was a massive blow to our relationship, he was completely transparent and we jointly came up with a plan of how to manage, I took executive control of all finances but responsibility remained with dh, so I still took the kids swimming and he made packed lunches, his bonus went straight to savings.

Before this this i was complacent thinking he had bills covered, and i didnt question when our spending seemed high, so this made me shoulder more financial responsibility. He felt the pressure "to provide" and made stupid decisions to try and gamble back what he had lost.

There can be a way back, but i certainly had my exit plan ready, my salary remains in my own named account where he has no access, savings are also in my name.

While we were working things out, we made a budget, and held weekly finance meetings to keep on track, just treated it exactly like a work meeting to take all the heat and emotion out of it, that really helped keep any shame and resentment in check.

I think I’d require quick action on the following, before he gets complacent.

• his wages and any bonuses are paid into your bank account, or a joint account prior to being moved into an account only you can access.
• a pre-agreed sum is paid from this account into his account for his personal costs and discretionary spending money
• this situation pertains for 5 years or until you are in a position to purchase a larger property. You will then jointly review it.
• you both attend some debt counselling
• he attends gamblers anonymous
• he gives you full and detailed disclosure of how he got into this mess, not just a narrative account. You need to see the transactions where he purchased crypto or whatever. This is because you need to check that he is telling the truth and because you need to check if you have any recourse (I doubt it) in the event that he did not fully understand the transactions he was making.

If he bridles against this, I’d take it as an indication that he’s just hoping it will all get brushed under the carpet again and that he lacks real remorse.

Can you cut back on things like buying coffees and lunch out of the house? Takeaways? Food choices? Mobile phone and TV packages? Gym membership? Hobbies?

Do a very detailed spreadsheet of your outgoings and see what you can cut back on.

I’d be furious, but like you I’d be prepared to try and work through it. I’d be taking no prisoners though in expecting him to do EVERYTHING in his power to rectify matters and regain my trust.

My greatest fear would be that he was still hiding things. That would be hard to survive.

Would it be possible to move to a slightly cheaper area/a little further out? Obviously London is pricey in general but 1.2m for a 3 bed house sounds as though you live in a particularly expensive spot. Might help you meet both goals of paying off debt + being able to afford a 3 bed a little quicker

Absolutely agree with a pp, don’t give up your job, you need to maintain some independence (and sanity!)

@newnamechangeforme
Has he lost all his crypto? It has been low recently but is predicted to rise again

I'm sorry but my ex husband did this during the whole of our marriage despite many promises and bids to "change", didn't go to the counselling I had arranged but said he did etc at nauseam.
Get out now, they never ever change and you will end up bankrupt and homeless.
You and the child come first not his problems.

You're going to essentially have to treat him like a toddler, where money is concerned. You cannot trust him with any more money than you'd be prepared for him to flush down the toilet. You will need to keep this up until both you and your daughter are financially independent of him. For me that goes beyond the scope of marriage vows but it's your decision.