DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

That's a great line.

I think the whole area of financial mismanagement / abuse is poorly understood.

I cannot describe fully the gut-wrenching anxiety of watching every penny & discovering yet another flagrant breach of trust & finances.

I’ve kept an eye on this thread, as have a few of us, for personal reasons. And I feel extremely sad that I can see where some women’s stories are going to go.

Me too, Tiddly. I recognise OP doesn't want to hear some of the points - I understand that.

But reading her posts has brought up very painful memories (and I'm still living with ye consequences of his behaviour, probably will always).

Totally, I really do understand that i was lucky that i was the higher earner and the role wasn't reversed. I know how lucky he was that I was able to pick up the pieces financially. He also knows this, as do his family. Not emotionally though, I was crap at that bit and wasn't in the right head space to be his emotional crutch really at any point.

These threads are triggering for me too but I do have a different perspective on it these days. I have forgiven him. I love him and am proud of what other things we have achieved together. Life has thrown a lot of other things our way that other relationships may not have survived. There is much for me to be very grateful for and we are out the other side now (in my opinion, I know other people may think that is naivety).

I do know how it could have gone another way though. I think all addictions are horrific for loved ones. I really do.

I know that this might sound ridiculous but if you Dh is working all the hours he says and you look at what he earns and what it is costing him to earn that amount (train fare, lunches, dinners, taxis home, coffees out etc) and divide it by the 14-16 hour days you say he is working. After tax, NI and deductions how much is his hourly rate
I wouldn’t include the bonuses as he rarely actually bring them home but if you do include the bonuses you have to look at the total amount of the loans, interest and extra debts he has had to take on because he got these bonuses.

Then compare it to the hourly rate of a more normal job

I bet you will be surprised at what the results are.

I wouldn’t give up your job but I would have him start working out how he is going to repay these amounts.

He has done it once, he learned his lesson

Then he has done it again.

You helped him last time and look where that ended. You are helping him again

Time to stop helping.

I would actually walk away.

Don’t let the big numbers and bonuses and buying a million pound house lull you into thinking that you need to stay or you will never be able to get the million pound house on a part time teachers salary.

One thing is for certain and that is you will never be able to relax where money is concerned if you stay married.

All I see is someone who squandered over £100,000 this time.
How much do you earn teaching part time. How many years would you have to work to earn what he has squandered

He has confessed to what he has done and now has no worries. All he has to do is attend his therapy sessions and making all the right noises at his once a week coffee meet up with you and he hasn’t got anything to worry about

It is you who is spending time out if your life tearing your hair out trying to come up with a budget to sort out his mess.
You who is even thinking of giving up your work even when you don’t want to, to sort out his mess
You who is contacting Gam Care and putting alerts up to stop him gambling to sort out his mess
You who has had to put your life on hold while the mess is sorted.

He in the meantime has a clear mind (till he does it again).

Total guess was the figure he squandered the first time less than the total figure he squandered this time.

What happens when (not if) he does it again. Complete prediction but I would get used to the idea if you stay that you will either never get out of your 2 bed flat or if you do make it to your 3 bed house, after a few years you will end up in rented because he will do it again but the figures will be more spectacular.

Remember one day he won’t have a bonus and won’t have a salary. What will you do then.

If you really want the 3 bed house then either divorce and remarry someone with more of the same financial out look as you or start your own business and make the money yourself.

You alone have more chance of getting the 3 bed house and keeping the 3 bed house or any house or flat for the rest of your life than your Dh has with all his fancy salary and bonus.

Clearly he's a fool when it comes to investing.

But honestly trying to ban him from investing forever is not going to be successful.

So best way to control the situation is to manage finances together, make investment decisions together, and practice proper risk management together. This means you need to take an interest, learn and be enthusiastic about it enough to talk to him like a peer.

Invest 80% into diversified funds as your core. Remaining 10% each can be used for both of you to speculate and gamble on individual stocks/assets. But try to do this together and discuss each others strategy and choices (but give him freedom in his 10% to make the call).

I think you need a reality check @Reality25

This is a gambling addict, not someone who hasn’t invested wisely because their portfolio wasn’t sufficiently diversified.

What you just posted is basically saying it’s not realistic for an alcoholic to never drink so let them choose what they want for 10% of the time and it’ll all be ok.

You are welcome to your opinion, but often making an analogy for the sake of making an analogy inaccurately represents a situation. You need to be careful in selecting an analogy or it's worse than just not giving one.

Investing money in capitalism is a necessity if you want to be successful. The name is the clue - capitalism, i.e your success is mostly dependant on how you use your capital.

Drinking alcohol is not a necessity in life whatsoever.

If you had to choose an addiction to make an analogy it would be more akin to food.

You wouldn't give advice for someone who eats too much and can't control their consumption, to just stop eating full stop would you? Of course not.

But again, even food is not a perfect analogy and has it's flaws in the comparison.

So let's not analogise and rather stick to the nuances of this case.

My recommendation is for the advice I provided and I wholeheartedly stick by that.

You’ve never lived with or experienced a gambling addict, have you?

His wife can manage the finances and save and invest everything in low return but safe investments like savings accounts and Isa’s and premium bonds.

What you aren’t taking account of is the loans and credit card debt he can rack up on the side and by the time she has been notified/found out he could have invested the lot in some get rich quick Ponzi scheme. Or he could when the time comes cash in his pension so she has this idea of living a certain lifestyle but he only has the government state pension,

I have known a few problem gamblers over the years.
They all were liars. It goes hand on hand with addiction
But with every other type of addiction the addict is the one harming himself

With gambling it is those closest to the gambler who suffers. Not the gambler

Reality25 I have to agree with other posters - you're not understanding the gambling addiction that is real time investing. It's not holding a balanced portfolio and managing risk it's seeing holdings go up and down by the minute and, as losses accumulate, making increasingly risky decisions to recover losses. I know 2men who lost their houses(and marriages) and another, a barrister, who lost his entire retirement pot. Their relationships broke down because of the secrecy and the fact they that risked the rooves over their children's heads. I know at least one continues to go to Gamblers Anon to keep his addiction in check because of the dire consequences. One continues to go down hill.

And Reality25 like alcohol, investing in a capitalist society is not something you have to do.

One thing to take on board is that a gambler might not gamble every single day. They can go weeks or months or even years without a bet or a dodgy investment.
But as soon as they start. There is no off switch till they have brought their families to their knees.

They in the meantime confess all, say I am sorry and then everyone else picks up the pieces and adjusts their life’s expectations to accommodate their new reality and the gambler walks around without the weight of the secrecy on their backs and everything in their life is rosy again

I swear that the gamblers I know, it doesn’t matter if they earn 6 or 7 figures, went to the best public schools and think they are the bees knees. Ultimately they will never be happy until they are homeless and begging in the street for 50p to stick on the 4.30 at Kempton Park and they will get more enjoyment out of that bet than they will by living in a huge fancy house and having everything money can buy.

Investing is when you take (some) of your money that you're not afraid to lose, because there's always a risk. Gambling is when you take whatever amounts because you're acting on impulse and without thinking. Your husband sounds like he is doing the latter. He may have a problem, which will become your problem. Are you waiting for this to get worse a third time, when you actually can't get out of the debt? I'm sorry, but this man will cause you a lot of problems soon so I think you need to get to marriage therapy now and individual therapy for him. If he doesn't change, I'm so sorry but he may gamble away a larger amount in the future and really affect your lives. This needs to stop. Good luck x

@newnamechangeforme how are things going? Has the counselling helped?