DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

Well, he’s very lucky to have someone like you. Very lucky. I hope he doesn’t abuse your faith in him.

With respect whilst your experiences are valid not everything you've referenced is applicable to my situation.

He has not gambled over and over again for years. He made a dreadful mistake, we had a shit time, got past it, then he did it again, at which point that's when he's realised (and I) this is a behavioural / addiction issue rather than a one off mistake.

So I think it's reasonable to put all the steps in place we can and see if he can overcome it.

"a weekly coffee date and some counselling isn't going to enough realistically"

@HundredMilesAnHour I feel like you've really minimised the steps I / we are taking here. We are both having individuals therapy, we are also having marriage counselling. We are accessing GamCare support and guidance (me on the phone, him weekly sessions). His salary will be coming into my account this month and I will have controls of everything. He has a gam bloc on all apps and lending, and I have a credit alert. The weekly coffee is an additional step scheduling in time to offload / be honest with each other so that progress isn't derailed by virtue of busy lives.

With respect whilst your experiences are valid not everything you've referenced is applicable to my situation

That's true. I believe I made that exact point.

However there are number of really concerning similarities for those of us that unfortunately have been here.

He made a dreadful mistake, we had a shit time, got past it, then he did it again, at which point that's when he's realised (and I) this is a behavioural / addiction issue rather than a one off mistake.

With all due respect, that's more minimising from you.

His 'shit time' has overall lost you your entire substantial savings, your chance to move house as planned, put you in a financially constrained position (so much so you are considering not working & being a SAHM because it makes financial sense).

It might be an addiction. It's still also behavioural, a huge breach of trust & a massive deceit in your relationship.

I think you probably don't want to hear more from me now so I'll leave it there & wish you luck. Please please put you & DC first in any decisions you make & safeguard any savings or separate income you have. And do not stop working. Good luck.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom oh yes, he is bloody lucky and he knows it believe me. He knows he is a whisker away from losing us.

Sorry that was meant for @EarringsandLipstick

@newnamechangeforme

I got that! And I replied - but over & out now. Good luck. You are really going to need it.

OP even if you disagree with what @HundredMilesAnHour says about the coffee dates, they are right about the regulated person angle... this is definitely something to prioritize from a practical perspective (if you haven't already).

You can’t help some people. And I don’t mean him!

Good luck with everything. Things happen at their own pace and you aren't ready right now. Just look after yourself and your child til you are.

OP, we get it, this is very hard.

You are doing your very best to be as proactive as possible, and its to your credit.

Very old heads like mine and other posters are just aware of how hard this path often is.

We wish you the very best.

We are here for you whenever you need an ear.

Mind yourself and try and find a friend to confide in.

It's really hard and lonely to carry this load alone.

Use GamAnon for yourself or FamAnon is it called for family members.

Just make sure you are supported.

Wishing you all the best OP

There are 2 things missing from your plan that I hope you’ll consider.

1. Having a professional give you advice on checking that there is no more debt or loans that your DH has not disclosed.

2 keeping it secret. I understand if your families will not be supportive but addicts who have no intention of changing are the ones who don’t want friends and family to know. Addicts who are able to change are willing to be transperent and open with their loved ones. Is your Dh willing to tell trusted friends

OP, you are getting a lot of stick on here for standing by your husband. Gambling and addictive behaviours are notoriously difficult to change and positive stories don't get much air time.

I thought I'd add mine so you had an opposing view. I have shared it before on here because I think it's important that people know that some addicts can change and get better.

My husband had a gambling addiction. Relatively young, in our mid twenties. Gambled all his savings and then took out cards and loans as well. Ended up with £20k of debt and a very woeful credit rating. The real low point was a friend discovering he had pawned a personal item of hers. We definitely hit rock bottom a few times. I acutely remember how much the lying and cheating hurt.

It sounds to me like your husband has tackled it a lot earlier than we did. This is a positive. Things that worked for us:

1. Gamcare were brilliant. In addition, we had a close mutual friend that my husband confided in. I was really too angry, devastated or scared to be the support he needed. I recommend he finds someone objective to talk to.l outside you and his counselor.

1. I made my husband tell some of his family. It's a big burden to carry on your own. Other posters have mentioned this and I think it's really important.

1. We separated all finances. It was important to me to be able to keep everything going if he relapsed. I was lucky that I was the higher earner however.l and this was an option for us. I was the only one on the mortgage. Again, fortunately that was possible.

1. We never do anything remotely associated with gambling - we avoid any form of betting, lottery etc. Sounds obvious but it's literally everywhere. Even now, all these years later.

1. We also noticed that it was symptomatic of other behaviours - my husband also has a strange relationship with money so had to relearn good financial behaviours. Admittedly, his parents had also been shit with money so he had lots to work through

1. Even now (15+ years on) we don't take it for granted. We know another relapse is possible. Gamcare will teach him to look out for the signs and you too can be aware of triggers

It was the right decision for me to stay with him and ultimately only you can choose. It was really hard but I am so glad we found a way through. My life turned upside down in my late 20s and he was my rock in many other ways. I know he has paid many times over for those mistakes and I'm slightly in awe of his journey and his commitment to change now I look back on it.

Not easy, but possible.

Unfortunately active investment in real time is exactly the same as gambling. In the old days people bought shares and held them for a long time with occasional reviews of portfolio, balance of risk and emerging opportunities. Today you can get hooked into seeing your losses and profits in real time and this exacerbates the temptation to make more and more risky investment decisions to redress losses. Plus there was been an explosion of retail investment supported by Reddit and other messaging boards which have encouraged small time investors to believe they can make risky investments in crypto, NFTs etc. See the interesting Netflix documentary on Gameshop to see what's been happening.

I knew three men who literally lost the house through their investment gambling. One - a very successful Barrister loss £750K, the other two ended up having to sell their house and in divorce. Both highly intelligent professionals who thought they were cleverer than they were. One of the worst impacts was the destruction of trust in their relationships - operating in secrecy, owning up only after the damage has been well and truly done.

So OP - it is gambling, it is betrayal of trust, it is going to put your financial well-being and security at risk as well as your relationship. And it's the second time he's done this - throwing away £60k of savings plus adding further debt. I'd think twice about staying with him. In the cases I know they all promised never again...

It seems that it was odd with the way gamestop happened with Robin hood preventing trading etc.

So, in the space of a couple of years he has gambled and lost 135K and possibly more if he used money from his current account that you would think of as everyday expenditure. I hope you haven’t taken money from your parents towards buying your flat, because of course they would be judgemental about him throwing away their hard earned money. What I don’t understand is you mention our savings, but it sounds as if either they were in his name or you had no proper oversight / control. I would suggest you consider separating your financial association as much as possible until he has sorted himself out. Presumably if he earns a good salary he can pay off the debt quickly.

He's after to you managing his wages, that's really important, well done.
You now have monthly payments to get his debts down - check these are in the most cost effective format.
Check with your mortgage company that there hasn't been any unexpected additional borrowing against your home.
If it will be financially advantageous for you to give up work to save on child care, do so - as a teacher you know how valuable this time with your child is - plus you can do a bit of tutoring to top up your finances.

If it will be financially advantageous for you to give up work to save on child care, do so - as a teacher you know how valuable this time with your child is - plus you can do a bit of tutoring to top up your finances.

This is shockingly bad advice. The last thing the OP should do right now is make herself financially dependent on a man who has a track record of appallingly bad financial decisions.

Realistically would you even get a mortgage if your only savings came from bonuses?
That doesn't show the ability to save. And bonuses are not guaranteed.

Boom shock most mortgage companies take your last 2 or 3 bonus amounts and average it out to add it to your earnings when calculating your mortgage multiple.

100% mortgages are back! You don't need savings though obviously rates must be higher.

@NoPrivateSpy Interesting, I'm in Ireland so I wasn't sure.

A lot can change in a few years though and maybe the bank would need proof of actual saving by the time it came to it.
Or worse and they could get tied into a high mortgage with no bonuses coming in and be unable to pay it because they were relying on the bonus!

OP I live with a ex-gambling addict who has gambled a similar amount to your DH. Only difference is it was ‘his’ money ie. never came from joint savings and we weren’t relying on it for a house deposit (not that that makes it better in any way). We’ve never had joint finances and I’m a high earner in my own right so could leave when I feel like it - I often wish I had.

Things you need to be aware of and be honest with yourself about:

• There were relapses
• There can be cross-addictions, either already is or a high risk now he’s stopped gambling (increase in drinking etc.)
• Your DH has not been attentive and will likely have been moody/distant. He has spent HOURS doing this and you know it. It’s taken up a huge amount of mind space for him and you/your baby came second. That’s a harsh learning. You need to be conscious of the impact on you and not minimise it

Finally there is the here and now that you’re both working through and want to try. But in a few years you will be resentful (if not already) and you’ll be angry for what could have been, and that looks different for each person. It can eat away at you. I’m not telling you to leave as I didn’t and we’ve worked through it but I’m not the same person.

Your husband is very, very lucky that you stood by him and were in a financial position to carry your family alone, thus removing all responsibility from him. He could sit back and be parented.

I do feel sad about all the limitations, all the responsibility for everything, all the policing of him and finances and your situation, and all the missed shared achievement you would have had together had this issue not been lurking insidiously in the background of your whole lives.

That goes for all people in relationships with ‘gamblers’. It removes half your life, and burdens the remainder.

Your husband is very, very lucky that you stood by him and were in a financial position to carry your family alone, thus removing all responsibility from him. He could sit back and be parented.

I do feel sad about all the limitations, all the responsibility for everything, all the policing of him and finances and your situation, and all the missed shared achievement you would have had together had this issue not been lurking insidiously in the background of your whole lives.

Agree 💯 Tiddly.

The huge difference that stood out to me from that poster was that she was the high earner & could buffet herself / the family from the consequences of her H's behaviour.