DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

I would have all the money transferred to just you. Putting anything in joint account would be tempting for an addict.

Are you sure you know the full extent of his debts? And legally , are they his or yours as well?

I would ask that question in the Legal
section if I were you, and if there is anything you can do to ring fence your assets and potential liability in case he does it again

Find out what exactly he's got left in his crypto wallets.

Bitcoin and ethereum are currently down but well worth hanging on to for the next bull run.

Again, some nft collections will eventually see a recovery in price though many won't.

Make sure you get control of his wallets and learn how to use them safely, you may be able to salvage something of this depending on where he invested.

If he's a high earner in the city and previously only managed to save 30k then he's phenomenally shit with money anyway. Bonuses in the past have been way more than that just for one year. I think he needs to do a money management class as well as other therapy because he clearly just spends/gambles it. But also were you not keeping an eye on finances? I'd have been curious as to why such low savings (relatively speaking) compared to income. Are you sure he has the job he says he does? Have you seen payslips?

Haha yeah I was exaggerating when I said hampstead! Seriously though come to South London, lots of great schools and decent size houses and good transport links. It's a humble family vibe. You might even be able to release some equity from your urban flat to pay off the debt.

I really think the main thing is to get your dh to shake off the associates who suggest these crackpot investments to him

I’m glad to hear you don’t plan to give up your job.

I think you need to make it very clear to him that this is his last chance and he’s on a final warning as far as your marriage is concerned, because he’s betrayed your trust in such a huge way.

Don’t extend your mortgage or move home at this stage unless it’s to go to a much cheaper property.

It's this kind of thinking that got him suckered in the second time - in my opinion.

You don't tell an alcoholic "just stick to beer it's safer than spirits"

Call the National Gambling Helpline, it’s free and you are eligible for expert advice/ counselling, as well as your husband.

If you're already north east look at Buckhurst Hill, Woodford, Loughton and Chingford. You'd get a 3 bed for c.£600k, potentially much, less in all of them. Hopefully that would release enough equity to clear the debt and get you a 3 bed you can live in for the medium to longterm.

He has done it before and will do it again.
You can never trust him with money again. Ever.
Call it investing if you like but it is gambling.

My greatest fear would be that he was still hiding things. That would be hard to survive

I wouldn’t be able to ever trust anything he said from now on.
Are you sure he’s divulged everything?

Has the money actually gone or I'd what he invested in at a low value, OP? If he hasn't tried to withdraw money and what he's bought has not gone into liquidation, you may recover more of the money, possibly make some but it'll take time. The best time to invest is during a recession and yes your value can go down, but you never know... So, you need to see what he's been investing and decide whether to leave it there.

I'm glad he's getting help. I hope he refrains from trying to make more money like this in future, but as someone who decided a £2k investment in bitcoin wasn't worth it, when it'd be worth about £500m now, I'm not one to talk!

@newnamechangeforme Whatever you do, DO NOT give up your job. You must must must keep your own financial security and independence otherwise you are relying completely on someone who cannot be trusted.
Cut back your joint, and his own, spending to afford the repayments. His next bonus will pay off a good chunk. All money in to joint account, £100 a month each fritter money, everything accounted for and any surplus either to overpay the loan or in to your savings account.

Why is it YOUR job to come up with a way to find £400 extra a month?

If I were your DH I would be investigating pub jobs, shelf stacking, delivery driving, whatever I can to do to earn extra in the evenings and weekends so that:

a) I'm too bloody busy to be spending my time gambling money
b) my wife recognises that I am doing everything I can to make amends and get us out of this hole

What is his solution to this other than greeting, bawling and telling you how sorry he is?

He needs to sell stuff - including stuff he loves. Watches, golf clubs, car - what does he have?

He needs to feel this in the real world. And show you he is carrying more of the pain than you are.

Nice 3 beds in Walthamstow and Wanstead for under a million. Decent schools and better connections than a lot of East London, transport wise.

I’ve PMed you. I think your suggestions are all a great start and this is just such a horrible and difficult situation. 💐

First you need full disclosure. Let him know that you’re willing to deal with this debt together but only if he tells you about everything now. So you need to know everything that’s gone on financially. If he’s remortgaged the flat or taken a payment holiday on the mortgage, if he has another credit card you don’t know about that’s maxed out, if he’s stopped paying into his pension or cut the payments, if he’s borrowed from a friend. Everything.

Then, he needs to let you manage the joint funds. He can’t be trusted. However you shine it up, he’s stolen from you. Those were joint savings. You’re looking at cutting your food shopping. He’s taken food from his child. He has to face how seriously he’s betrayed your trust and that means that you need control of the savings. I’m sorry but you should probably speak to a solicitor as well, about how to protect yourself from liability for his debts if this happens again and when you can you should start putting away some savings of your own in a separate account.

Then, you need to get the debt managed. If the interest is crushing can you remortgage the flat? Take out a consolidation loan that’s lower interest? If he’s a high earner you may be able to talk to the bank and have the overdraft changed to a personal loan that would cover it and your other debts.

@Papernotplastic I would really caution against turning unsecured debt into secured debt via remortgaging.

I agree with this. And particularly he needs to quit hobbies that put him together with other city types. Eg (I'm stereotyping) golf membership, leisure club etc.

A pp above made me roll my eyes slightly because that's what your dh's friends are telling him to get him in this fix. "Ethereum is worth hanging onto" - your dh will hear this and be thinking, ok let me borrow 10k to buy some ethereum so I can claw some losses back...

Just no, it's not for him.

He’s an addict, and that would be a red line for me. I’d leave. Sorry OP 😞

In terms of if they divorce or because of the risk of losing the flat? If he’s a 6 figure+ earner, what he’s done (this time) isn’t something that will sink him if the OP takes control of the finances but only if the debt is at a lower rate of interest. To keep a high paying city job you generally need clean personal finances (no bankruptcy.)

OP, he is a serious addict.

Really serious gambling addict.

They put familys into the gutter.

I think you desperately need to educate yourself about gambling and its consequences for families.

Your loyalty is to your child.

Check his credit rating.

Don't believe a word from his mouth.

Put a lock on your morgage that he can NEVER take a loan out against it.

You need to ruthlessly protect yourself.

You cannot fix him.

GamAnonUK are full of people whose lives were destroyed by staying decades thinking they could fix their addict.

There is no fixing him.

That is completely on him.

Get back to work full-time and protect yourself and your child.

Since you have known him you know of £135k losses, he is a very serious addict.

Im sorry but I just couldnt get past the fact that he had knowingly for a second time gambled away my future and the future of my child and their education. of course you want to move somewhere that there are good schools and how can you now. so every time your childs school has short comings you will blame him and that bitterness will eat away at you and your relationship. you can never ever ever trust him again with money. never. how do you feel about that OP? always having to be in control of the purse strings. this is not healthy in a relationship and always leads to bitterness. I guarantee you in future arguments this will be thrown about, its the elephant in the room and now it always will be. however wonderful a man he is/was, I couldnt get past this. you need to deal with the immediate issue and then think really carefully about the next 30 to 40 years.

Do NOT give up work.
You cannot rely on him for money and need to be prepared to separate.
He's done this twice and he could do it again.
Any joint accounts mean you are tied to each other financially and if he screws up again YOU could be left liable. You could loose your home.

I'm sorry to say but I would divorce and separate your finances completely.