DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

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Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

I would sit down and go through all the finances with a toothcomb. Hopefully this isn't what's happened here but my ex hit me with similar and it turned out he had all sorts of direct debite for webcams etc that I had no idea about.

To be clear, he spent the bonus cash, and lost it on an investment he thought looked good. Then to try and re-invest and gain it back he took out loans and used our overdraft facility.

He's lost about 60k. The 75k is two loans he took out to try and recoup the losses from the 30k he gambled away. Op where these loans on credit cards or where they high interest rate loans? Was he making the repayments on them? Doesn't sound like it if he had to max out yer bank overdraft.

@Hollyhobbi

They were normal loans. They are not massively high interest as he has an excellent credit rating (ridiculously) so for one of them his bank was offering it on his online banking page - he literally had to click a button and it was approved.

You are making lots of excuses and justifications for him it seems - on this thread, not necessarily in real life.
I don't think you'll leave him

You do need to take full financial control though, wages into account he doesn't touch and separate one he can spend from. Any cutbacks should start with things he does and that affect him the most.
Unsure if getting a different job would help as may not be able to get similar wages outside the industry but getting help to deal with money is the best option.

I'm not sure you really understand how much he has lost. He has basically lost part of your house.

"we are very lucky as these were bonuses he threw away, rather than actual monthly income or our home"

But he borrowed £75k on top of the bonuses he spent. So it's like he just extended your mortgage by £75k.

Tell your husband to go to GA- gamblers anonymous. It's free.

@ArcticSkewer I don't really understand the point you're trying to make? What do you mean by part of our house?

@pinksheetss I'm not sure what excuses I've made for him. I don't believe I have. I've tried to be objective.

Those actions are helpful and basically everything I've decided to do so far.

Thanks @GracePalmer33
He has had an initial therapist session today so he will see what they advise him.
I am going to look into the Gamcare support for myself.

I divorced the man who also did this to us and our family money, 30k of debt from gambling on horses trying to chase losses from crypto. Divorcing him was the biggest relief of my life. It is traumatising and scary being married to a gambler. Take care of you first. His addiction is not your responsibility.

I don't know, maybe I misunderstood, are his total bonuses worth £135k? In my world that's a salary not a bonus, sorry if I misunderstood.

Or has he borrowed this £75k loan but not spent it?

I thought you were saying the £30k x 2 was the bonus money he spent and then he borrowed the additional £75k and lost that as well.

For problems with gambling and crypto, Castle Craig in the Scottish Borders is the place to go, its internationally reknown as a centre for excellence in this area.

On practical matters.

Does he still have crypto, even if it is worth very little? If so make sure it is secure move it off an exchange and make sure that you have a copy of the private key and know all relevant addresses.

If he lost it in FTX/Celcius/Blockfi, (failed crypto exchanges) there are ongoing court cases, he should have received a notice to register as a claimant in bankrupcy

Unwinding any positions he still has and moving them back to BTC (the safest crypto) or into fiat (ie pound sterling) will limit his losses. He may also be able to claim tax relief on losses.

maybe I’m missing the point but I don’t really understand why you’re saving up for another deposit on a house? If your incomes will give you a mortgage for the necessary amount, the equity in your flat acts as the deposit for the new place, you don’t usually need to save up again

Put a lock on your mortgage so he can't take out equity without your knowledge. Do this urgently.

Insist he gets a second job taxi driving, delivering food, bar work. Just absolutely insist upon it. No coffees or lunches out or drinks with colleagues after work.

He needs to sell some of his things. I bet he has an expensive watch and car. Make him sell it. Make him cut up his credit card in front of you.

All his salary must go into the joint account and then immediately transferred to your personal account. You take charge of savings too. Every time he gets a bonus every penny goes off of the loan.

I would take legal advice as to whether I needed to divorce him to protect my own credit rating solid. Remember your dd can no longer rely on her Dad to protect her so you will have to be the one to protect her. You can be legally divorced but still live together.

Don't give up your job as you need that financial security. Also if you gave up work you'd take a hit on your pension. I'd be looking to go full time. DH will have to step up and do more around the house.

Don't feel bad about economising on the food he likes, no more steak he can eat sausages.

You will probably have to give up any holidays and so you and your dd will suffer too.

I could possibly forgive once, especially if before children but not twice and definitely not after your dd was born. He has seriously jeopardized your future and your child's.

It's good he's having counselling but addiction is very hard to overcome. And, he could be tempted again at any time. You will have to treat him like a naughty teen and he will resent it over time.

I think you really need to consider if he is worth staying married too.

Has he done a full experien credit report in front of you from beginning to end?

I will put money on the fact there is more bad news to come.

You must must must divorce. Even if you stay together.

I don't want to derail your thread, and I really feel for you, but to answer your question, a family member worked in the city and wasn't even a banker, he was in a supporting role, and one year his bonus was enough to pay for a year long round the world trip, first class, which at the time me and DH worked out to be costing in the region of 70k.

I'm only bringing this up because I suspect your DH may have been lying to you about more than the gambling, and you may have a much bigger problem on your hands.

But if I'm wrong about that then good, because you have enough to deal with and I hope you can find a way through it that works for you.

FWIW I would really struggle to forgive this and would need him to demonstrate he is trying to sort it out, by selling his stuff, etc. to find the extra money needed each month.

I agree with this. Also how does it save money? The monthly nursery rate can't be more than you earn as a teacher?

It's worth considering selling up and moving to a different part of London. Assuming your budget is a few hundred thousand. You can get a lovely 2 bed apartment for that in a elsewhere (and still a decent area).

I worked for a trading company in the city & many bankers asked for their bonuses to be put into bank accounts their wives were not aware of

This is very common in my experience - particularly among technology people in Finance who think they can beat the traders and markets with their analysis based on what they’ve read online.

OP- All banks have some type of Employee Assistance Program where you can get confidential but professional advice on a range of topics. I’m told mental health and debts are the most common topics. No-one in the bank will know - they’re run by an external company. It might be worth a shot.

You don’t fix this, he does. He needs to take in extra work on evenings/weekends.

Work in the City and it’s likely he’s already working long hours and weekends..

I'm going to have to disagree with some previous posters here. If he still has some crypto holdings you need to get rid asap. Yes, they might recover some value, but as long as you have them you and he will be keeping track of their value and that might trigger/tempt your husband into investing again to try and recoup losses. Since it sounds like you have a good household income as long as it's not being spaffed on "investments," I think what's more important than trying to recoup some of the money is severing all ties with crypto to try and prevent him from being sucked back into old habits. Good luck.

Agreed. The best thing to do in this situation is to get rid of all investments despite possible losses. It’s not worth the temptation of continually monitoring it etc.

I’m also confused. I assumed you were at least mid-30s from the fact you’ve been married 7 years and have a toddler.

How can he only have saved £30k if he has been saving his City bonuses? And how can having to pay £400 a month in interest payments tip you over the edge such that you’re now worrying about having to cut back on groceries etc.? Surely he is saving more than that each month with his high salary?

Sorry, but I think you really need to question him about his job, salary, bonus ASAP - there’s a high chance he’s not telling you the truth there, from what you’ve shared on this thread.