DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

It’s hard to be sympathetic when he’s a high earner but has essentially pissed his good fortune up the wall. I’d leave him. He’s done this more than once and can’t be trusted. He wanted to gamble that money more than he wanted to set up a secure future with you.

Not sure about what to do about your relationship, but financially practical things to do:

Get his salary and bonus paid into your account or a joint account (you keep the cards).
Leave enough for household spending and move the remainder in savings in your name only.
Make sure all bills come out of joint account and you can see them all and know they’re paid.
Send him an agreed amount each month for his personal spends.
I’d probably go as far to insist on his internet banking login information so I could check his accounts.
Make a realistic household budget and stick to it.
Do not give up your job!!

A HUGE problem for you is his job. That kind of an environment that deals in unreal amounts of money on a daily basis is priming a skewed relationship with money.

The big bonus makes it worse again.

So in 2 years he has lost 135k? I don't think I could forgive that or be confident enough to stay thinking he would change his ways.

Sorry OP, I would leave.

I’ve known a few gamblers and it has never ended well, it’s the same thing over and over, they get caught/have to confess, they ‘get’ help and then they do it again. This isn’t a small bit of gambling and he’s taking loans out to do it.

my DHs family member lost everything when her gambling DH decided to take out massive loans upon massive loans, she constantly forgave him and then he borrowed against their house which they ended up losing, the kids went through hell.

Me neither.

There is NEVER a moments peace living with an addict.

I know of someone who was married 20+ years working full-time, thinking they had secured a great retirement pot when it caught up with him.

He had been juggling for years and she had trusted him.

Gorgeous home had to be sold to clear his debt.

She lives in a small 2 bed and is so grateful for her future teaching pension.
If not for that she would be facing real poverty.

She was far too trusting of him with their finances.

Even if you can move past this (not sure I could if it’s happened twice, but I’m not you), and dig yourselves out of the financial hole, you will most likely have to keep strict control of all financial stuff for life.

He is an addict and he cannot be trusted. You are married and you and your children could lose your home and more.

I'd get him to sign up to a free Credit Expert account and give you his logins so you can keep an eye on whether he tries to get more credit.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I would be away like a robbers dog, no trust left in my opinion.

I'm not sure what you're expectations are on bonuses but we are not that old and he is still not that senior in the bank.

For me it would absolutely be over after he went back on his word. The first time was bad enough but this one is a real slap in the face. I hate financial incompetence.

My advice is to leave him. He's done this twice and putting it bluntly "fucked your life up ".

You'll never trust him with money again and it will always be there in the background.

You won't take this advice as he's " so sorry " bet he was sorry the first time too,but he done it again !

Never trust a gambler it's an addiction.
You'll be back on mn is a year or so saying
" I should have listened to you all "

I speak from experience.

@Mummy08m yes I think you're right about the crackpots. His actual friends he's had since school are "normal" and work in regular jobs etc, like me, but he is now working in an environment full of incredibly privileged people mostly from moneyed backgrounds which he is not, so I can only assume it's fuelled his insecurities to get money quickly.

I absolutely could not forgive this for a second time. Best of luck to you but I be out.

Do NOT give up your work. If this doesn't get better asn you need to leave you will be up shit creek.. instead id be lifting money each week and starting a saving fund of my own incase that does happen. You will need to remove his access to all finances and literally give him the weekly money he needs each week. Fire his next couple of bonuses straight to the loan sadly it puts you another couple of years behind in saving for your house but its the fastest way to pay it off.

@WeightInLine I can't think of anything he has of value he could sell. We haven't had loads of money before and are not that materialistic with things like watches. He doesn't even own one. I wish there was an asset we could sell, but other than our home (which I am NOT risking) there is nothing.

I feel for you but really think it through about what you're going to do and put yourself and your child first not him.

I was married to someone who got into debt over and over again. I worked full time, took on an evening and weekend job as well and sold my car to pay it off as he said we were "a team." He said he didn't need to do that because he earned in one job the same as I did in three. Me being out of the house gave him free rein to cheat. I had to kick him out, sell the house, divorce him and start again. And he did the same to his next wife who saw the light faster than me.

Divorce him.
You don't need to leave him but you need to separate finances quickly.
Get him to sign over as much as possible to you in the divorce so it can't be gambled away.
From there, you can decide if you want to be his financial jailer or not - it certainly sucks the romance out of things!

Maybe he needs a career change. Being around a lot of money every day and working in a bank/trading type environment can badly affect some people, it brings out hidden insecurities and can make people take huge risks. The traders that caused the collapse of Barings Bank were taught to take bigger and bigger risks until one day the house of cards collapsed on them.

Do not give up work. Keep your financial independence - you may need it.

If you want to stay with him then sell your flat and buy somewhere cheaper. I live in a "nice" part of zone 2, in SE London, with decent schools and you do not have to pay 1.3m for a 3 bed!

I say if you want to stay with him..... Personally, I would be done at this point. All trust would be gone.

Other people have given some great advice up the thread, but I think you need to be clear, for yourself. He didn’t gamble / lose 30k ….it’s 135k so far! That’s a hell of a lot of money for someone you say isn’t senior in the bank, and isn’t on a lot of money.

As others have said, find out if he’s sold all the crypto (which is the worse thing he could have done), or what he has left.

Have you actually seen the paper trail for this to know what he spent where and when I started? Bitcoin and etherium have actually spent the last year gaining value after the pretty significant falls before that. Something feels like it still doesn't add up. He has lost £105k in this round of blowing your family money and going I to massive debt, but was there actually more "invested". You are highly unlikely to lose everything investing in different things, unlike gambling.

Honestly, to stay together I would be asking for the property to be transferred to your name so he can't secure anything against it and so he understands the sacrifice. Then every penny he earns paid into your bank or joint account and he gets an amount for personal spending transferred to him. Personally, losing that much twice would make me separate from him.

Yeah I know what has happened is shit and what he has done is monumentally so. I'm not unaware of this and perhaps the coolness of my post suggests I've just rolled over. I haven't. I have been through all the emotions and was on the brink last week. We took time off (me working part-time and him annual leave for 2 days) so we could go through everything and talk it all through. I've shouted and cried till I've had nothing left.

We have sat and gone through everything on the computer - accounts, loans, debts etc and we made a new monthly income/outgoings spreadsheet in minute detail.

May's salary from his job will go into a joint account which I manage and if he's lucky enough to get another bonus this year that will come straight to me to manage.

I hope the therapist will help him understand his relationship with money and why he gets this urge which overrides his intellect / rational thinking.

In many ways we are very lucky as these were bonuses he threw away, rather than actual monthly income or our home, however I'm fully aware that with addictive behaviours these could be next as it could just spiral. So hence treating this as the last warning.

Try GamCare and ask what debt support they suggesst.

How are they bonuses if you are £75k in debt? Surely if they were bonuses you just wouldn't have the money, rather than having a negative bank account?