DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

I'd suggest booking an appointment with CAB, in my experience they are excellent at providing advice or even negotiating with companies to consolidate payments, reduce interest etc - companies are required to consider how they can reduce the likelihood of you ending up in a debt spiral.

I'd agree with others that it is his job to plan the scrimping. I would suggest his pay goes directly into an account that all the bills and essential household spends (food, clothes etc) comes out of. Then he receives an amount that is his to spend. That means you can see it the income, you know that everything is covered. If he screws up with his own 'spare' money then it's on him.

Crypto and NFT 'investing' certainly does have a lot of parallels with gambling - high risk/high reward. With the added pull that you're told if you learn enough/are clever enough/are brave enough, you'll be ahead of the curve and you'll be able to 'work' the system in a way that regular people won't. He certainly won't be the first to get sucked in.

Can he (not you) look at an IVA or arrangement with the loan creditors so that it’s more manageable? That’s what I would look at - is he proactively looking at solutions rather than you having to scrimp and save on things that are needed for the family? My rule of thumb is if someone is actively trying to resolve the impact of their actions and working to avoiding it happening again, I might give them the benefit of the doubt. If not, then no, they won’t get my confidence as they are not going to learn or do anything differently in the future.

Thanks for the. On what. To answer a few points raised:

• yes he is seeking therapy, in fact he had an introduction session with one today. I know he's not lying as I was outside the room whilst he was Zooming.

• marriage counselling might be good too but what with his therapy and mine I'm not sure if it's overkill on therapy sessions. I will ask my therapist her view.

• yes trust is a massive issue. He knows he has fucked up and is incredibly remorseful - knows our goals have now slipped back years- but that's not enough considering his inability to control this addictive behaviour. We have agreed to a weekly sit down to go over accounts and for me to manage everything.

I don't want an IVA or debt management plan if we can help it as they'll impact our credit file and ability to get a mortgage down the line. At the moment his credit file is - unbelievably- still excellent whilst we make repayments.

My sister spent her whole marriage bailing her dh out of his gambling debts, it destroyed her and killed their marriage. I agree with pp, your dh needs to take full responsibility for paying the debt, and commit to giving up his 'investing' for good.

If he's actually getting help and can continue to earn and get those huge bonuses I'd say the future looks salvageable. Not sure about what to do in the short term - can he get a weekend job?

Can he look at furthering his career and looking for higher paying jobs? I’d really struggle with this too OP. DO NOT quit your job under any circumstances

I think the only way to pay off the loans at all quickly are likely to involve your housing situation.

I.e. remortgage your flat - extend the mortgage and/or refinance

Or as a PP said sell it and buy a property in a cheaper area. You can definitely get a 3 bedroom house in some areas of London for £750k

Refinancing your existing mortgage would probably be easier

Sounds like you live in a very select area of London. I suggest you move out to a much cheaper commuter area. Assuming you have some equity in your property by now,. I'd use £75k of your capital to pay off the loans then you can just pay mortgage rates to pay off the debt.

I’d divorce him. Even if I wanted the relationship to continue, I wouldn’t be financially linked to a gambler. If you stay you will have to mother him and look after the money for ever, to the point he can’t have a bank card.

I’d leave him.

how would you ever trust him again? You forgave him the first time, and this is how you were rewarded. No chance I’d let him mug me off again

I haven't read the full thread because I don't have time. I'll
Come back to it.

But I just feel the need to say (shout)

UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE UP YOUR JOB

this is how you attempt to maintain some form of financial independence from this man. I'm sorry, but it is highly likely this will happen again and you will be so grateful you held into your career. It's for such a short time too (nursery fees)

I'll try and come back later

Also, what's he doing to put things right?

He sells some of his assets? He gets a second job in the evenings or weekend. I don’t think you should be the one to give up your job.

You supported this once and accepted promises it would never happen again.

It's happened again. Accepting it a 2nd time just leaves you open to the 3rd, 4th, 5th.

I'd think long and hard before taking on this burden of bailing him out. I always wonder how many men would do the same level of sacrifice if the roles were reversed.

Could you increase your mortgage in your current property to clear some debt?

then I would have all his money paid into the joint account, and he would not have access. He can have an allowance in cash

OP before you consider your housing situation remember:

1. Interest rates are at their highest, so a remortgage/new mortgage is a really bad plan in the short and long term

1. Paying stamp duty now and again for your 3 bed forever home is a terrible idea, you are much better staying where you are as long as possible. 1 move is better than 2.

If you have no other options then theres not much you can do, but for the reasons above moving/remortgaging is not the silver bullet some people think it is at the moment.

I want to reiterate what pp are saying... you do not need to save 1.2mn to get out of your small flat. We live in zone 3 South London and got our 4 bed house not long ago for 800k (obvs the mortgage will take lifetimes to pay off, we didn't have that in cash). You have to accept that, thanks to your husband's ill judgement, you aren't a hampstead family any more.

Separately though I'd have lost all respect for him. He can't be very good at his city job with judgement that poor, so might be in line for being laid off one day and then you'd be really stuck.

I think you need to financially downsize in a big way - move somewhere much cheaper, reduce your lifestyle, gradually pay off the debt. Too-good-to-be-true investments are mostly motivated by greed: maybe your dh has felt the need to keep up with the Joneses. Your dh needs to cut off the kind of contacts that suggest crypto etc investments to him. Hang out with your teacher friends more, we teachers are more level headed than that!

A friend's husband did this, gambled away their saved money several times. He ended up killing himself with the shame when he couldn't face being confronted again after gambling away money for a new car and left her and their 1 yr old son alone. Please encourage him to get help, it can be devastating.

If he's a high earner surely you've got £400 spare a month to pay the interest on the loans - plus paying down the balances as quickly as possible - you can pay off the balances when he gets his next bonus?

To be clear, husband doesn't want me to give up my job, but I saw that financially it would help due to nursery fees. However I'm not going to do it for the reasons pp have said, plus I don't want to for my own mental health. Husband isn't asking me to anyway. It's not down to me to find the shortfall.

Do not in any circumstances give up your job and become completely financially reliant on a man you can’t just with money.

he can give up any and all extras, sell his car (if he has one), take pack lunches, no drinks after work etc etc to make the cut backs

@Mummy08m
We don't live in anything like Hampstead! We live in a pretty urban area of East London in a flat. We were aiming to move to a nice area with outstanding schools where 3-beds are 1.2. That's obviously not possible now (either the 3-beds, the area or the timeframe of any move).

Your DH has a gambling problem. He was not investing but taking high risk gambles with NFTs and crypto. I also took a punt on crypto, but kept it very small as I knew I could lose it all. It's 90% down even though I invested in a fund of funds and the tech behind crypto.

Your suggestion that his salary and bonuses are paid into your account is the way forward and you can recover, as a couple, from this. He is doing the right thing by seeking help, so you just need to support him. Unfortunately you will now have to take on all the financial responsibility for saving in your family.

I agree with everyone else but I would actually advise that you go full rather than part time. Although costs would rise your income would also and your three year old would qualify for the 30 hours free soon, if not be starting school soon.

Also agree you don’t need £1.2m. My friend has just bought a 3 bed terrace in hither green for £800k and it’s in really good condition. Not huge but better than a flat probably.