Do older men act as single men in a relationship

[Livelifelaughter]

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

Yes. I’m dating someone around the 50 mark and this absolutely checks out. It’s kind of rubbish. Like a mistress.

Yep this is my ex husband all over. He left me for clarity.
Good luck to anyone who wants to put up with this.

Do you have friends of out your own or adult children? I imagine this can extrapolated to apply to both sexes.

To be fair they have built a happy single life 🤷‍♀️

In a way I say good for them
just not ideal If you want something serious I can see that
but having a happy busy life isn’t wrong

Yeah. I feel really put in a box my my fella. Really not special.

I’d actually really like some advice on this. I’m a bit younger and definitely not jaded (tho I am divorced with kids). I am finding it hard to accept that he isn’t going to change. That the relationship isn’t going to ‘go anywhere’

Sounds ideal tbh. It's how I live my life as well.

If it doesn't suit you though, keep moving. There are bound to be men who want to settle down. A lot of men are actually quite needy that way - straight from one relationship to the next, moving in with them quickly

But @ArcticSkewer do you not want to fall in love? Or have someone particular?

It’s perfectly possible to combine falling in love with having a busy, independent existence with lots of pre-existing friendships and family relationships.

But would it not make you want to see the person more, be drawn to them? To be fair I don’t think the OP was talking about not having other things in life, but about the relationship taking no more priority than any of the other things. Is that likely to happen if someone is in love?

Yes sure, but I am not 20. I'm not interested in living with anyone or spending all my time with them. Quite happy to compartmentalise these days.
We are fed a lot of rubbish about how relationships should look.

Well, I wish I felt like you.

I’m 50 and like independent people with strong friendships and lots of interesting activity in their lives. I would be horrified by a man in his 50s who appeared to be in stasis since the end of his last relationship.

I have a dear friend aged 54 about whom I’ve only realised since he got divorced that all his friends and enthusiasms were his ex-wife’s. He did nothing but play Red Dead Redemption after they split (at his instigation), until he got a new girlfriend and now he’s emerging as a cat-loving oenophile under her influence.

Why does being = being so enmeshed you don't know where you and and they begin?
More relationships would be healthier if people had more going on in life than depending on another person to provide you with all your needs.

Being in love*

Yeah, so do I. It sounds fantastic.

Pretty much what we'd hope for for our female friends, 50 or not

He did nothing but play Red Dead Redemption after they split (at his instigation), until he got a new girlfriend and now he’s emerging as a cat-loving oenophile under her influence.

TBH, his "split" life sounds 100% better than his "influenced" life

To be honest, I, as a late 40s woman probably do this as well. Cos I've built up a single life that I really really enjoy, and value the freedom of it above any relationship.

The irony is if I meet a bloke I actually like, he will also be doing this so we hardly see each other; and the ones who have all the time in the world I have zero interest in, cos that isn't a characteristic I find appealing.

This is really interesting to me. We are all so different. I think I do really want someone to curl up with and have a quiet hug.

I don't think it's just men. Once you get to your 50s you're looking for someone to build a life with in the same way as you are when you're young. You've done that, you have a life. If you want a partner it's someone to share (parts.of) that life with, but part of that will be doing things separately.

I'm 53 and away at least one weekend a month. I'm enjoying life without ties now DC are grown up. If/when I have a partner, some of the outings he's welcome to join, others are just for me and my friends. On the whole that works because they have their own lives too.

Does your partner not do that when you see him?
If so then that's a bit sad, you don't have yo see each other all the time to be tactile.

Yes, he does @TomatoSandwiches. My relationship is different cities plus this ‘busy life’ thing, and I think that’s what makes it feel particularly impossible

Ah OK, fair enough, long distance is hard enough as it is I think.

Yep, for me the compartmentalisation made me feel the same.

I am not sure it would apply to both sexes, not really the children issue, it's the weekends, holidays away, the drinks with the guys, the golf it goes on...