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Original poster

Do older men act as single men in a relationship

226 replies

Livelifelaughter · 12/05/2023 17:36

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

OP posts:
Feefooo · 13/05/2023 16:29

I definitely don't want more DC either , I think some people want a partner but don't want anymore DC or full on integrated relationship.

Effieswig · 13/05/2023 16:29

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:28

That's great if it works for you both. But out of interest, what's the point in having a relationship at all ?

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I don’t understand the question?

It appears like you are saying ‘unless your relationship is how I view a relationship should be then there’s no point?’

How is my relationship ‘pointless’ to you?

EmmaEmerald · 13/05/2023 16:35

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:28

That's great if it works for you both. But out of interest, what's the point in having a relationship at all ?

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I'm also baffled by this question

there are many reasons to have one

there are many reasons not to have one.

people do what suits them.

Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 16:37

@Livelifelaughter I expect like me you are a romantic and your reason for relationships is love and connection, and you’re frightened of things that seem convenient or an add-on. There’s no one right way of doing it of course

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 16:41

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/05/2023 16:12

Are you / the women there for anything else than sex, then?
Haven’t RTFT, but isin’t this just being fuck buddies (minus the buddy part)?

This just wouldn’t be enough for me at all!
Where’s the love and care and life together in all of this?

No.

This is wrong. Well can be wrong.

It doesn't fit my relationship at all.

It assumes you only have a binary choice - fuck buddy with no emotional attachment OR living together wake up together deep love.

My experience, and many others on this thread, are suggesting that it's perfectly possible to have a deep love without living in each others pockets, or any where near it.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 16:43

@Thighlengthboots Yep- I will say I know a few like this too- however a big difference is they do very much do their own things too and have adult children they still prioritise a lot too. Maybe OP just hasn't been meeting the right ones - it is sadly a bit of a numbers game and in both the cases I know they already knew their new partners from existing circles - it didn't come from online dating etc .

Feefooo · 13/05/2023 16:44

TheSnootiestFox · 13/05/2023 15:53

I'm with you on this one leopard. I also had a depressing loveless marriage and naively assumed that when I left at the age 45, I'd find someone who adored me and I'd be happily married again by 50. Well, I'm now 50 and I'm finding life so depressing. Every body is jaded and has the attitude of I'm never getting married/living with a partner again. I have a very full life, job, kids, volunteering roles and interests and yet I cannot for the life of me see the point in investing time and energy in a man that has no interest in going to sleep and waking up with me every morning. I've had exactly that conversation with my new interest this morning and made it perfectly clear that I'm nobody's long term casual shag. I personally think women with long term 'boyfriends' at our age are ridiculous and if good enough to shag long term I'm good enough to live with/marry!

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I think its a bit sad really you think life cannot be fulfilling without a man living with you. Why do you need to wake up with someone? I just get worse quality sleep. Many men view the woman as the planner , the domestic stuff ends up down to the woman. I think life is easier with a companion relationship.

TheSnootiestFox · 13/05/2023 16:48

Feefooo · 13/05/2023 16:44

I think its a bit sad really you think life cannot be fulfilling without a man living with you. Why do you need to wake up with someone? I just get worse quality sleep. Many men view the woman as the planner , the domestic stuff ends up down to the woman. I think life is easier with a companion relationship.

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And I think it's a bit sad that you think that way. Horses for courses, eh?

Feefooo · 13/05/2023 16:48

Also people in their 50s most likely will have adult DC. They won't want to remarry because they want their assets to go to the DC and rearranging the walls etc is a ballache. There's many valid reasons why a person with DC might not want to remarry.

WunWun · 13/05/2023 16:56

I'm mid forties andhave been online dating for about three years. I haven't seen even a hint of a pipe and slippers type. I firmly believe that no guys in my age range want an actual relationship. They just want casual dating. That's fine, there's nothing wrong with it. Its not what I want though unfortunately. I don't want to move in with someone or spend all my time with them, but I do want love. I want someone who wants to spend time with me and be in touch with me. I really don't think it's out there though, sadly.

I don't think it's even anything to do with their lifestyle, I think it's just no one wants to "fall in love" at my age. Except me 😂

Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 16:56

it is sadly a bit of a numbers game and in both the cases I know they already knew their new partners from existing circles - it didn't come from online dating etc

Actually, thinking about it- you're absolutely right. All of these people met through friends/their existing social circles. I know very few people (of any age) who have had success via online dating for long term, committed relationships. Thats not to say its impossible of course, but my friends who are currently online dating are really quite deflated and fed up with it all. Definitely a numbers game.

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/05/2023 16:57

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:30

So for the pp who wouldn't and don't change their life, spend their time with friends etc and doing hobbies predominantly, don't live with a partner (not suggesting you have to) see their partner every now and then (one person said about a month) why bother with a relationship at all ?

Have a fantastic time when together.
Go on regular dates / mini breaks.
Loyalty to each other.
Good sex.
Interesting and stimulating conversations.

Not required and positives imo:
Not involving each other in daily chores or boring daily grinds - both capable of running a house / do tasks. And if your cabs not turned up or you missed your train or the boilers on the blink, deal with it as a capable adult should and solve it without calling each other for a whine and a moan (what a passion killer from marriage today was)...
Not integrating families - so no pissing about with inlaws and all that compromise etc.
Older children each and just keep it to 'hiya, hope you're well' on the way out and that's it - so no drama or compromise in that area.
Money separate and private - just go 50/50 on the things we do together. No need to discuss what I earn / spend / invest. We've no idea on each other's finances and neither care.
When not together, free to invest time however we please without any need for consultation or consensus.

So all the best bits, none of the shit bits.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 17:01

'I don't want to move in with someone or spend all my time with them, but I do want love.' @WunWun
I'm not sure if you've read the thread yet, but the op and quite a few others are suggesting that anything other than moving in together is just a casual shag.

This is absolutely what it boils down to it seems. Everyone's definition of a 'serious relationship' is different. I think if you love each other, and are exclusive, then that's serious regardless of time spent in each others company. Others think that it's o my serious if you live together.

WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:05

I did. I think there's overlap though, because the OP theorised about not seeing someone for a month - to me that wouldn't suggest love. If he's always busy and not making time to that extent in favour of golf or drinks, it doesn't sound like love to me.

I think my point is that I think the number of older guys looking for love is minimal.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 17:05

@alwaysmovingforwards and if I ever find myself solo- that's exactly what I would go for too if I could afford to be in that position. I don't quite get the OPs viewpoint but I guess we are all different. It's perfectly possible to have a great relationship and strong love without all the domesticity. Maybe it's easier if you have family and good friends on tap too.
I Loved the bit about moans and whines- sometimes my day feels a never ending pile on of that kind of shit- and im not one of life's moaners so it irritates the pants off me.

WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:06

It doesn't sound like the OP has a great relationship and love though if she hardly sees him?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:08

Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 16:23

Hmmm. The sheer amount of people I know on their second or third marriages would indicate to me that not everyone wants to remain casual, free and single post divorce or a relationship break up. I'm not talking about "pipe and slippers" men either, I mean attractive, active, fit, successful men- all got re-married or settled down with someone else and now have blended families. So I'm not sure I agree that solvent attractive men all want to stay casual/single post divorce.

If they have blended families they are probably not in their 50s but are younger?

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:09

WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:06

It doesn't sound like the OP has a great relationship and love though if she hardly sees him?

This is about my experience in being in a number of relationships with men who like myself are mid 50s

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:12

I don't think I'm disagreeing with you? My point is that I don't think older men are looking for love which is my personal opinion on why older guys are like yours in a relationship

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:12

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 17:05

@alwaysmovingforwards and if I ever find myself solo- that's exactly what I would go for too if I could afford to be in that position. I don't quite get the OPs viewpoint but I guess we are all different. It's perfectly possible to have a great relationship and strong love without all the domesticity. Maybe it's easier if you have family and good friends on tap too.
I Loved the bit about moans and whines- sometimes my day feels a never ending pile on of that kind of shit- and im not one of life's moaners so it irritates the pants off me.

I haven't asked for domesticity at all....the purpose of my post was to debate whether other MN have found that when dating or meeting men in their 50s they seem to have very established lives and don't want to make the relationship an important aspect more just another thing to fill time. Some pp have responded about their experience in their 30s, not the same thing !

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:13

WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:12

I don't think I'm disagreeing with you? My point is that I don't think older men are looking for love which is my personal opinion on why older guys are like yours in a relationship

Thank you, do you think they would admit that ? I don't think they do, but interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:15

WunWun · 13/05/2023 17:05

I did. I think there's overlap though, because the OP theorised about not seeing someone for a month - to me that wouldn't suggest love. If he's always busy and not making time to that extent in favour of golf or drinks, it doesn't sound like love to me.

I think my point is that I think the number of older guys looking for love is minimal.

It was actually one of the pp above who said her and her partner might not see each other in a month....I agree with you, I don't think you can be that interested in someone if you found seeing them once a month enough, assuming there's no practical reason...

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 17:16

If they’re not looking for love do you think that’s because they’ve got enough love in their lives or because they’re jaded? I wouldn’t have a relationship for any other reason, really. I love being alone for other things. But love is my favourite

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 17:17

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 17:01

'I don't want to move in with someone or spend all my time with them, but I do want love.' @WunWun
I'm not sure if you've read the thread yet, but the op and quite a few others are suggesting that anything other than moving in together is just a casual shag.

This is absolutely what it boils down to it seems. Everyone's definition of a 'serious relationship' is different. I think if you love each other, and are exclusive, then that's serious regardless of time spent in each others company. Others think that it's o my serious if you live together.

I don't think you need to live with someone for it to be a serious relationship but I do think you need to have contact, so talking to each other every day and seeing each other a few times a week, attending events, being there in times of need etc

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 17:21

@Livelifelaughter I definitely wouldn't want someone though (and I agree with you ) who only wanted you to 'fill time' if they were not doing anything else. That doesn't have to be the case, you've just been unlucky I think. I'm 61 and have a mix of people I know in relationships or dating and all 40 plus. What you have experienced I think is pretty common- and as I said especially common amongst the higher earning successful end of the 'dating pool' - many who have been married several times or had a fair old few live in relationships. Maybe you need the old school
Approach in Private Eye or something! Intelligent successful 50 something seeks similar for a deep and meaningful relationship- no committment Phobes ! Lol do you do anything or join anything where you can meet older men in real life?