Page 3 | Do older men act as single men in a relationship

Livelifelaughter · 2023-05-12T16:36:17+00:00

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 09:23

SaulSobieski · 13/05/2023 09:08

I think it's very possible you feel low priority because you are low priority.

You may assume these men want the same thing as you, but the reality is, they don't. They want a bachelor lifestyle with the advantages of sex and company and a plus one with a socially acceptable woman etc. thrown in when convenient for them. If you make the effort and are willing and available they'll take advantage of that, at their convenience.

But what if the women want that too?

SaulSobieski · 13/05/2023 09:28

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 09:23

But what if the women want that too?

Show quote history

Then cool.

But op apparently doesn't or she wouldn't have made this thread (?)

TedMullins · 13/05/2023 09:29

Livelifelaughter · 12/05/2023 23:49

I am not sure it would apply to both sexes, not really the children issue, it's the weekends, holidays away, the drinks with the guys, the golf it goes on...

Show quote history

Not sure why women can’t go on weekends away, see their adult children and have hobbies and drinks with friends….?

MaryKateDanaher · 13/05/2023 09:33

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 07:23

I'm 53, single and busy. I love my life. I'm not adverse to bit of romance, but I do struggle to fit it in and I'm happy when he's busy too. Sometimes we join up our activities, sometimes we don't.

I've no intention of ever living with a man or merging our finances again. I actually think it's important to do that when DC are young, but not when you've already got DC. Mature relationships are different, with different objectives.

I've lots of people who are important to me who I see less than weekly.

I like this and completely agree. I had a similar conversation recently with a sibling. I'm in my 40s, have a younger DD and a fairly active life what with work and other things that occupy my time.

I was struggling at first with the idea that I didn't see DP very often (he too has a busy life with friends and other hobbies), but I'd realised, and this has been solidified by this thread, that I'm still pandering to my old expectations of what a relationship is.

I like living alone, and keeping my finances separate; I like seeing DP once or twice a week, talking to him every morning and messaging through the day. We love each other and are committed to one another. I don't know if that will change one day, I rather suspect not, and I'd be happy with that too.

OrbandSpectacle · 13/05/2023 09:34

The ones with little or no social life are often looking for a nurse with a purse as they age and develop age related niggles with their health.

Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 09:39

I think there are two different things at play here:

He has a busy, active social life and clearly values family time. This is a good, healthy thing.
The issue the OP seems to have is that the relationships are not progressing beyond casual, sparse dates

I would say that the key to knowing if a relationship is going to work is progression. Its not really normal after one or two dates to put your entire social life on hold for that person, in fact, its a big red flag in my eyes and not healthy at all.

At the very beginning of a relationship, I would not expect the other person to be adjusting their life too much to accommodate me, and I wouldnt do it for them either. Thats way too much pressure to put on a brand new relationship with a person you dont really even know yet- if you start cancelling time with friends after the first couple of dates and then it doesnt work out then you're going to regret it. Personally, I cant stand people who drop their friends the moment they meet someone new.

That said, there should be an organic progression in a relationship whereby as time goes on, more importance/priority is shown to spending time together.

If say, after 3-4 months you are still being treated as an optional extra then its time to have a conversation about it or move on because that would show to me that the person only wanted something casual and wasnt interested in a long term relationship. I would expect that after 3-4 months of continuous dating we would be doing more things together, and plans would be made to integrate both of us into each others lives. If thats not happening, it doesnt make either of you wrong but it does show a mismatch in where you both see it heading. I wouldnt recommend talking about where things are heading at the beginning because thats a bit intense but you can interpret people's motivations through their actions and if its not progressing then I would take that as a huge sign that it wasnt going to.

A big part of this is knowing what you really want from a relationship, communicating this and moving on if the other person doesnt want the same.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 09:41

@MaryKateDanaher
That is spot on. It's exactly the same kind of relationship I'm in. He described it a bit like having grand kids. You love them very much but don't have the complete responsibility.

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/05/2023 09:45

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 09:02

I think for a lot of people (inc me) this kind of dating is living the dream.

A poster below described it as casual, but for me and mine, that doesn't quite cut it, because our feelings aren't casual, so it's more a part-time relationship. It's not got a word that I know of.

We are...exclusive, like each other enormously, and have a great connection. So it's not casual in that sense. But, might not see each other (sometimes up to a month) because one of the other of us is just busy the whole time. Sometimes it's me. I absolutely want/need the freedom to be able to do that, but I also want the loveliness of a 'relationship' when we both can.
I don't want any more children,certainly don't want step children, don't want to share finances, don't want to share my home, don't want to compromise any of the time I currently spend on my hobbies/friends - but outside of that, a 'relationship' (I still call it that, others don't) with someone is very lovely.

I always think if someone is able to say go out two evenings a week in a relationship, what what they doing on those 2 evenings before their gf/bf came along? Just sat there?

Spot on

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 13/05/2023 10:01

It's all easy breezy & fun to have a 'date' style relationship of sex, dinners & mini breaks. But shit will get real & the question to ask is will this person have your back if you get ill, lose someone/thing important, have a domestic crisis, need emotional support. Do they have your interests in mind or just their own, in essence. It's easy to mistake fun times for intimacy & emotional availability & then discover the relationship you have is actually not very durable or reliable.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 10:06

Yes.

. I guess the key is identifying...

Is this a very healthy full of relationship just very lacking in time. A potentially perfect one because you don't lose your freedom. Or

Are you the lowest of their priorities and forgotten about after the shag.

It's difficult because the actions are similar.

I really hope and believe mine is the former.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/05/2023 10:06

I think for Op and leopard they want something more serious

that’s ok, but you need to find someone who wants the same otherwise you’ll just be sad all the time

I’ve been single for 3 years BUT my relationship wasn’t great so I’ve been building myself a life for many years now

I thought I wanted a relationship but I’ve realised actually I don’t ! I’m actually happy single
but I do like having a lover and am trying to figure out how to make that model work
fortunately (as this post shows) many men want this model too

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:14

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 09:02

I think for a lot of people (inc me) this kind of dating is living the dream.

A poster below described it as casual, but for me and mine, that doesn't quite cut it, because our feelings aren't casual, so it's more a part-time relationship. It's not got a word that I know of.

We are...exclusive, like each other enormously, and have a great connection. So it's not casual in that sense. But, might not see each other (sometimes up to a month) because one of the other of us is just busy the whole time. Sometimes it's me. I absolutely want/need the freedom to be able to do that, but I also want the loveliness of a 'relationship' when we both can.
I don't want any more children,certainly don't want step children, don't want to share finances, don't want to share my home, don't want to compromise any of the time I currently spend on my hobbies/friends - but outside of that, a 'relationship' (I still call it that, others don't) with someone is very lovely.

I always think if someone is able to say go out two evenings a week in a relationship, what what they doing on those 2 evenings before their gf/bf came along? Just sat there?

Well if you're working all day and your 50 plus (so most of your friends are married) yes it's not odd to be sitting at home two evenings a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:23

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 10:06

Yes.

. I guess the key is identifying...

Is this a very healthy full of relationship just very lacking in time. A potentially perfect one because you don't lose your freedom. Or

Are you the lowest of their priorities and forgotten about after the shag.

It's difficult because the actions are similar.

I really hope and believe mine is the former.

I think this is it really...

And I think age is relevant because in your 50s you have a mix of predominantly married friends and a few singles. Your energy levels are a bit lower too. So if you're in a relationship with a 55 year old who is spending a lot of time with his friends and doing his own thing most of those people he is with won't be married or dating or it won't be the same group of people. So he will go away with Bob and John who are both married for 2 weekends away and then with Clive and Bill who are married for 2 weekends away and then Adam who is single etc . My point is that I have come across so many guys in their 50s who do this BUT also want a relationship and expect me to hang around for the gaps because they seem to want intimacy and sex...which Bob and John can't provide.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:26

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/05/2023 10:06

I think for Op and leopard they want something more serious

that’s ok, but you need to find someone who wants the same otherwise you’ll just be sad all the time

I’ve been single for 3 years BUT my relationship wasn’t great so I’ve been building myself a life for many years now

I thought I wanted a relationship but I’ve realised actually I don’t ! I’m actually happy single
but I do like having a lover and am trying to figure out how to make that model work
fortunately (as this post shows) many men want this model too

Agreed.
Although some of the people on here feel fulfilled in a relationship where they may not see each other in a month because they are doing their own thing.
For me, I would want someone to want to be with me. Yes of course, have time apart but there'd be something lacking if most weekends I was doing my own thing rather than sharing experiences with someone that I loved.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:27

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 13/05/2023 10:01

It's all easy breezy & fun to have a 'date' style relationship of sex, dinners & mini breaks. But shit will get real & the question to ask is will this person have your back if you get ill, lose someone/thing important, have a domestic crisis, need emotional support. Do they have your interests in mind or just their own, in essence. It's easy to mistake fun times for intimacy & emotional availability & then discover the relationship you have is actually not very durable or reliable.

Agreed.

OP posts:

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 10:28

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:14

Well if you're working all day and your 50 plus (so most of your friends are married) yes it's not odd to be sitting at home two evenings a week.

Show quote history

I'm in my 50s, working FT. It would be very unusual for me to be "sitting at home" two nights a week. I won't be out late every night, but I will have something to do after work every day. I might stay in completely 2 mid week evenings a month.

I stayed in much more when I was married.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:30

Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 09:39

I think there are two different things at play here:

He has a busy, active social life and clearly values family time. This is a good, healthy thing.
The issue the OP seems to have is that the relationships are not progressing beyond casual, sparse dates

I would say that the key to knowing if a relationship is going to work is progression. Its not really normal after one or two dates to put your entire social life on hold for that person, in fact, its a big red flag in my eyes and not healthy at all.

At the very beginning of a relationship, I would not expect the other person to be adjusting their life too much to accommodate me, and I wouldnt do it for them either. Thats way too much pressure to put on a brand new relationship with a person you dont really even know yet- if you start cancelling time with friends after the first couple of dates and then it doesnt work out then you're going to regret it. Personally, I cant stand people who drop their friends the moment they meet someone new.

That said, there should be an organic progression in a relationship whereby as time goes on, more importance/priority is shown to spending time together.

If say, after 3-4 months you are still being treated as an optional extra then its time to have a conversation about it or move on because that would show to me that the person only wanted something casual and wasnt interested in a long term relationship. I would expect that after 3-4 months of continuous dating we would be doing more things together, and plans would be made to integrate both of us into each others lives. If thats not happening, it doesnt make either of you wrong but it does show a mismatch in where you both see it heading. I wouldnt recommend talking about where things are heading at the beginning because thats a bit intense but you can interpret people's motivations through their actions and if its not progressing then I would take that as a huge sign that it wasnt going to.

A big part of this is knowing what you really want from a relationship, communicating this and moving on if the other person doesnt want the same.

I agree. I have a rule that I never cancel friends for a man. But as a relationship progresses I make less plans so there's space for the relationship and also frankly because I want to spend time with someone.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 13/05/2023 10:34

For me, I would want someone to want to be with me. Yes of course, have time apart but there'd be something lacking if most weekends I was doing my own thing rather than sharing experiences with someone that I loved.

Could you go with him on some these trips? We have a number of single friends and they spend a lot time wandering of for weekends. OH was friends with them before me and sometimes we go along together, even before we married I'd go along. Helps that their idea of a weekend away was airshows, steam rallies, steam trains etc and not getting drunk and picking up girls. Get some of those shared experiences.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:35

MaryKateDanaher · 13/05/2023 09:33

I like this and completely agree. I had a similar conversation recently with a sibling. I'm in my 40s, have a younger DD and a fairly active life what with work and other things that occupy my time.

I was struggling at first with the idea that I didn't see DP very often (he too has a busy life with friends and other hobbies), but I'd realised, and this has been solidified by this thread, that I'm still pandering to my old expectations of what a relationship is.

I like living alone, and keeping my finances separate; I like seeing DP once or twice a week, talking to him every morning and messaging through the day. We love each other and are committed to one another. I don't know if that will change one day, I rather suspect not, and I'd be happy with that too.

Show quote history

I think once or twice a week and talking each day is a connection. It's when you feel that the relationship isn't as important as other aspects of life that it's a problem for me, especially when you have both agreed that you want a serious relationship.

OP posts:

FMSucks · 13/05/2023 10:37

Hi OP. I’m female, 48 and would have the same outlook as these men but I’m very upfront about it. I’ve recently started seeing a guy (if you could even call it “seeing” 😂) and he is under no illusions as I’ve been honest and firm about where he fits in my life. It’s when people tell you the earth moon and stars and then don’t deliver that’s the frustration. I wish you well x

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:38

BigFatLiar · 13/05/2023 10:34

For me, I would want someone to want to be with me. Yes of course, have time apart but there'd be something lacking if most weekends I was doing my own thing rather than sharing experiences with someone that I loved.

Could you go with him on some these trips? We have a number of single friends and they spend a lot time wandering of for weekends. OH was friends with them before me and sometimes we go along together, even before we married I'd go along. Helps that their idea of a weekend away was airshows, steam rallies, steam trains etc and not getting drunk and picking up girls. Get some of those shared experiences.

Sorry, that's my point they are all with the guys...so no I have found that there's no invite for me. If I was included on the things a partner was doing with their friends that would be part of sharing their life. Obviously everyone also needs alone time with friends too. It's about balance.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/05/2023 10:44

@Livelifelaughter it's fair to want that, but I think the two things to consider are:

What your idea of a serious relationship actually is, is just that - it's just your personal vision. Plenty see a serious relationship as always living apart etc, never merging their money, having contact once a week, dealing with their kids solo etc etc. Whilst others see it as leading ultimately to marriage. There isn't a one size fits all answer to the question, everyone's different.

Secondly, at this age how many people who have already been married / divorced actually want another 'traditional' serious relationship these days? What's the benefit?? Most have been through the admin headache / life disruption of divorce so simply think 'fuck doing that again - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'.

gannett · 13/05/2023 11:13

I don't even know that this is an age thing. I was like this in my 20s. Not especially fixated on dating, more so on building the life and career and social circle that I wanted. Any man absolutely had to fit into that.

It doesn't have to be strict compartmentalisation though. If the time I spend doing X, Y and Z is non-negotiable then it makes sense that I'd find a partner who also enjoys spending time on X and Y. If I spend time with my friends I'd want a partner who's interested in being friends with them too, and who then gets on with them. That's really what I mean by "he has to fit into my life" - not around my life in the spare bits, but into it.

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 12:21

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 10:35

I think once or twice a week and talking each day is a connection. It's when you feel that the relationship isn't as important as other aspects of life that it's a problem for me, especially when you have both agreed that you want a serious relationship.

Show quote history

Another poster made the point well. This is just your view of what a 'serious relationship ' is. Are you explaining at the start that you are looking for someone to cohabit with and marry? Or saying you want a serious relationship? Two different things

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/05/2023 12:25

I have a good female friend in her 60s who’s life is very much like this. She’s been single for decades and has built up a fulfilling life with several extremely close friends. I don’t think this is a male issue, rather a long term single person issue. It would be unreasonable to expect them to change their lives overnight after a few dates.