Do older men act as single men in a relationship

[Livelifelaughter]

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

I'm not the poster you were referring to but you said it here:

have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me

Therefore, you didnt specify it was after 6 months

I don’t consider a relationship more important than my friends and individual interests, no. I see them all on an equal level. I don’t have or want kids which obviously allows for more freedom and my partner and I are actually moving in together but we do a lot separately.

He’s a musician and has gigs 3/4 nights a week, I have a more flexible job and like to travel so I’ll travel solo or with friends instead of him. He likes cricket which I have no interest in so will watch that with friends, often going abroad or elsewhere in the country for it. I’m going volunteering in east Asia for a month including over Christmas because I don’t like Christmas and want to get away. He gigs a lot in the festive period and wants to see his family - I don’t think either of us should compromise what we want to do when we can both meet our own needs by doing separate things.

I wouldn’t want him to neglect his career, hobbies or friends for me - I want us both to have lives that complement and fit around each other but also lives that wouldn’t be very impacted if we split up. I don’t need him. We’re with each other through choice.

Sorry, what I meant was that after a couple of dates with guys in this age bracket I can tell from their talk about previous relationships that they really are after something casual. Whereas I have been out with guys who say they want something serious and after months it's pretty obvious that they also want something very casual too. I appreciate that I didn't say that.

@Livelifelaughter there isn't an imbalance-but I suspect you yourself would more likely be attracted to someone in a similar position to yourself and in my experience high earning guys under a certain age and still fit and well with plenty of mates and money and adult kids tend to be quite happy with a more committed maybe but casual relationship with a woman in their lives possibly for nice nights out, nice nights in, holidays and intimacy- they don't necessarily want a traditional domestic set up - although this can change at the point those weekends away and mates on tap 'drop off' - as you can see by the responses on here many divorced women feel the same too. I think it's also very often (but not always) the way that people who desparately need to be coupled up for often financial reasons (male or female) feel an urgent need to replicate their previous experience of coupledom.

Because I love having sex with him, don't get that from any other friendship.
Because he's one of my favourite people company wise, but I have others for different things. But I have other people who I prefer doing other stuff with.
Because I love tactile affection.
Because I like having someone I can call on at 2am and he'd come running.

I'm with you on this one leopard. I also had a depressing loveless marriage and naively assumed that when I left at the age 45, I'd find someone who adored me and I'd be happily married again by 50. Well, I'm now 50 and I'm finding life so depressing. Every body is jaded and has the attitude of I'm never getting married/living with a partner again. I have a very full life, job, kids, volunteering roles and interests and yet I cannot for the life of me see the point in investing time and energy in a man that has no interest in going to sleep and waking up with me every morning. I've had exactly that conversation with my new interest this morning and made it perfectly clear that I'm nobody's long term casual shag. I personally think women with long term 'boyfriends' at our age are ridiculous and if good enough to shag long term I'm good enough to live with/marry!

That's interesting.
I have felt with these men that they aren't that committed to the relationship because they are worried about it splitting up, there's a pessimism to it.

@Livelifelaughter im not sure why you’re asking “why bother with a relationship”. Unless you think there’s only one model of relationship that’s “proper”?

Yes, my life would be fine and great without my relationship but I met someone I fancy, share a sense of humour with and laugh til I cry every time we hang out, share values and outlook on life, love to relax and be intimate with, have similar creative interests and enjoy the company of, and we both think we make a good team AS WELL AS making space to be individuals - why wouldn’t we have a relationship? Why should us choosing to be together mean we have to reduce the other things in our lives that bring us joy?

I agree with you, but there's plenty on this post that seem not to. I am not looking for someone to wake up to every morning but 3 a week and holidays shouldn't be asking too much!

That's great if it works for you both. But out of interest, what's the point in having a relationship at all?

Sorry but that's a really stupid question. Some answers:
For love, to know someone who is clever and sexy and interesting and who always has something new to share. To be appreciated for who you really are and not for a role you play. For support when you need it, to be needed and know that you're the one they want to be with, (and not because they have no other options). To spend quality time together, to have good sex, to enjoy things together, to learn from them, to share your own passions and problems with them. To travel together, to grow old together..... ect etc etc. (All or none or some of the above)

You don't need to give up being yourself to have a relationship - and if you do - that's when the rot sets in. And for a lot of people living the way you've described would be giving up yourself.

It's how I live - as far as I'm able. And so does DP.

Gotcha. I think its important to note if someone's words match their actions. I hate that whole "I want a serious relationship" BS when its very, very clear they dont and are just saying that to get you to go out with them. Just be honest about it and save everyone's time! Ive found the only way to tell if someone is genuine is to see if their words match their actions. If they dont then I would be off.

• But - should have said - each to their own.

I am not sure we do disagree actually.
I am not suggesting that people can't also be individuals but it seems in my experience the men in their 50s want all the things you have mentioned but don't want to make time for a relationship..
Yes there's many types of relationship but I personally wouldn't find a FWB ( what you describe isn't that) as particularly nourishing for me and plenty of pp seem to be describing this relationship although not admitting it.

I’m not worried about splitting up but I also don’t believe you can guarantee anything will be forever, even if you get married (which neither of us like as an institution but might have to do for visa reasons if we want to move to another country, which is another story!) right now we both want to be together and will continue to be until/unless one or both of us no longer wants that.

That might be for another 2 years, it might be til we’re both 95. We have future plans and dreams but they’re all things I’d want to do whether I was single or not. I’ve always based my life choices on what I wanted to do, never with a relationship in mind (partly because I had terrible luck with relationships in my 20s anyway and never had anything long term, but also because it just didn’t occur to me not to prioritise myself and my ambitions, I guess?) I’m really glad I did because I love where I’m at in life now in my 30s, I’d really hate to feel I missed out on stuff because I had to operate as one half of a couple rather than an individual.

Also, I meant to say that I dont think you are unreasonable wanting to share a life with someone. There are lots of posters on this thread who seem to want very casual relationships or relationships where lives are kept very separate and thats fine. But its also not unreasonable for you to want more of a commitment than 4 dates a month or whatever- I wouldnt want that either. It IS possible to have a committed relationship and see someone often but also have friends and outside interests- the two certainly arent mutually exclusive.

Yep, I think very few guys will tell you on a date they want something casual. I actually try and have the conversation early on and literally none have said " I would like something casual". My last bf thought we were too serious seeing each other 2/3 nights and 2 weekend breaks after 8 months of dating and he was to the one who had said he wanted a serious relationship....

Well that’s slightly different and fair enough. I’ve had an FWB and while it was actually very successful for me at the time it was very different because we didn’t really share any kind of deep bond. I think you can have that AND still do your own thing etc. do these men you’ve met actually say they don’t want anything more serious? People should be up front from the start about what they’re looking for.

I didn't say it has to be all or nothing- but if you want an attractive intelligent older solvent guy under a certain age, who doesn't need to be in a relationship for financial reasons or essentially want someone on tap for housework/sex- the chances are they will not necessarily want a conventional domestic set up- doesn't mean they can't love you deeply or see you lots and integrate you into their life , but they will also make time for and prioritise friendships and family committments that are part of their 'baggage/history' rather than always prioritising you - age kind of often changes this but certainly in 50s and early 60s the guys I know in this position that have enough cash to please themselves often don't particularly value domestic bliss.

I'm not quite sure if you do know what you want OP. There are guys out there who do want the domestic set up again and deep love etc - I'm not sure though if these are the ones you would be initially attracted to and hence that's why you haven't been meeting them and I stand by what I said in my initial post that I think you would find many of them a bit dull and 'pipe and slippers' and after a financial blanket and a semi housekeeper.

Are you / the women there for anything else than sex, then?
Haven’t RTFT, but isin’t this just being fuck buddies (minus the buddy part)?

This just wouldn’t be enough for me at all!
Where’s the love and care and life together in all of this?

Yes. I’ve had to have a really frank talk with my current DP about whether he actually wanted something casual, as the format seemed so
recognisable to me as heading that way (as per the lifestyle on this thread). At the moment I am seeing how it goes. I think my main concern was that he wouldn’t afford any more emotional intimacy to our relationship than any of his friends, and that isn’t something I’d tolerate. I need to know something deeper is there, or possible. A real connection, from the heart. If that’s there I could probably do any lifestyle. But I need us to be each other’s special person.

I understand your frustration though @Livelifelaughter - I don't think it's easy post 45 to find someone who wants to replicate what they already often had before-

This!

@Leopardlives I totally get what you are saying about being each others special person- I think that factor is the most important thing- whether it's with someone who has a lot going on in life 'other' than you and chooses to make it that way- or someone who is more of a homebody.

Hmmm. The sheer amount of people I know on their second or third marriages would indicate to me that not everyone wants to remain casual, free and single post divorce or a relationship break up. I'm not talking about "pipe and slippers" men either, I mean attractive, active, fit, successful men- all got re-married or settled down with someone else and now have blended families. So I'm not sure I agree that solvent attractive men all want to stay casual/single post divorce.

To be honest if I divorced and started again I would have no wish to nest and build a home with someone im only 30 as well. I'd be quite happy with in my own house going on holiday with my friends and DD. I would want a partner but not to be joined at the hip with them.