Do older men act as single men in a relationship

[Livelifelaughter]

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

i think they’re both pretty depressing, tbh.

Thank you! Spot on. It's not about having nothing in life ,(because that would make a person pretty dull) it's about men who want a relationship without having to adjust their existing lives in anyway and yes their independence taking priority.

Why don’t you think it applies equally to both sexes? I still have a young child at home, but my female friends with older children (married or single) go away all the time, holiday with friends, see different sets of friends several nights a week and, while none of them plays golf, they have other time-consuming hobbies like serious running, rock climbing etc.

Not sure everyone has quite got the gist of my post. Am not suggesting that a man in their 50s should have no life, or no friends and interests and not be independent. But just that my experience is that basically they don't want to make room for a relationship and just try to squish the relationship around everything else going on...so it feels like fairly casual dating.

I’m married, but if I weren’t and were re-embarking on dating in my 50s, damn right that person would have to fit around my existing life, and I’d expect to have to do the same in his. I think that’s perfectly normal, and not a gendered thing. The time in my life where I made myself endlessly available for someone else is long gone, and I think that’s true of most people.

But they'd either have nothing going on with time on their hands... or they're expected to just drop everything for a new relationship. Neither shoe fits well for me.
I think by 50 most people have made their money and are now relaxing a bit. They just don't need to 'build a life' with someone as they already have one.

I'm 53, single and busy. I love my life. I'm not adverse to bit of romance, but I do struggle to fit it in and I'm happy when he's busy too. Sometimes we join up our activities, sometimes we don't.

I've no intention of ever living with a man or merging our finances again. I actually think it's important to do that when DC are young, but not when you've already got DC. Mature relationships are different, with different objectives.

I've lots of people who are important to me who I see less than weekly.

Completely agree with this.

Unless I was planning on moving in/marrying someone, I wouldn't be changing those things either and I'm not in my 50s, or a man.
Even then at most I'd reduce to every other month for the weekends away.. If he bailed on his friends weekends all of a sudden because he was dating someone, wouldn't he just be a flaky friend?
He's been living a life he enjoys, the right person for him either will not want him to stop doing that, or he will be so smitten he will stop without being asked.

Maybe he is not bothered about you or the relationship. It has little to do with age I think.

But "everything else going on" is the bulk of their normal life.

so of course a relationship would have to fit around it. Tbh I have had this view since my 20s and back then, a lot of men didn't like it. I think it's about what people want from relationships, not man/woman or old/young.

Barging in to ask for some advice of possible.

I'm 47, been with husband for 10 years, he left out of the blue a month ago. Reason and analysis belong on a different thread.

But I'd love some ideas about how to rebuild my life, create some anchors and activities, and build a fulfilling single life.

I am totally devastated but I think deep down I might be someone who can have a full life as a single person. But atm I'm floundering and probably can't begin until my heart is healed..

I love anything water based (kayaking, open water swimming etc), and I am summoning up the courage to do that. But I'd love other ideas to shake it up a bit, and also because I enjoyed doing those things with DH.

The posts that I've seen on this thread are so encouraging and are proof of any were needed that your relationship status does not dictate how happy you are for many people.

People are free to live their lives however they like (obviously, within reason).

You're free to not put up with it. Try being single yourself.

It comes in baby steps, some just happens, some takes a real effort.

For me it's been a mixture of:

• being the one to make the effort to arrange things with old friends and aquaintances, especially ones who have also become single
• getting involved in community events. I do parkrun, have joined a litter picking group and an environmental work party
• joining clubs, running and hiking for me
• really enjoying doing things on your own. I love an evening of theatre and cocktails on my own. It feels empowering after a lifetime of thinking I needed company for such outings. I'm going on a hiking trip, 100 miles in 7 days, on my own and I'm beyond excited for the solitude and sense of achievement.

Mostly you have to make the effort and not worry about whether others do the same. Everyone brings something. Some are the ones who make the meet ups happen, others might be the life and soul once there.

It doesn't all happen overnight, but there are lots of baby steps to take.

Same. Exactly how I live my life. Even stay overnight with my ex if it's to do with the kids in separate rooms of course!

I've got 2 separate weeks abroad and lots of weekend away booked this year with female friends and have a good full life. Boyfriend is a wonderful extra!

I'm my 50's so maybe it's different.

You are so right, casual dating. I'm dating, 52, several men in their 50,, not at the same ime, and they all have this outlook, its like drop in dating when it suits,
Drinks or dinners and OK like this however sex on a casual basis feels so unfulfilling...

Guys from my neck of the woods who go on golfing breaks to Spain, Portugal etc. all go to brothels full of young women their daughters and grand daughters ages; a loose tongued one I dated briefly told me all about it. It's quite common.

Just in case you're unaware.

They date "age appropriately" because they can't get young women like that easily, and because it fits better for their family/kids/society etc. but they don't really gaf.

(Obviously there are other issues that put them off trying to get young women too - like them wanting kids if they haven't already got them, or having to deal with young kids (if they're single Mums); older women with grown up kids are much less hard work).

In fact, it's not just golf - sex industry establishments feature in pretty much all trips by groups of men of a certain type ... And that type is rather more common than people think.

They're also in brothels/lap dancing clubs in the Canaries, in Thailand, in big UK cities, in Eastern Europe etc etc.

I think for a lot of people (inc me) this kind of dating is living the dream.

A poster below described it as casual, but for me and mine, that doesn't quite cut it, because our feelings aren't casual, so it's more a part-time relationship. It's not got a word that I know of.

We are...exclusive, like each other enormously, and have a great connection. So it's not casual in that sense. But, might not see each other (sometimes up to a month) because one of the other of us is just busy the whole time. Sometimes it's me. I absolutely want/need the freedom to be able to do that, but I also want the loveliness of a 'relationship' when we both can.
I don't want any more children,certainly don't want step children, don't want to share finances, don't want to share my home, don't want to compromise any of the time I currently spend on my hobbies/friends - but outside of that, a 'relationship' (I still call it that, others don't) with someone is very lovely.

I always think if someone is able to say go out two evenings a week in a relationship, what what they doing on those 2 evenings before their gf/bf came along? Just sat there?

I think it's very possible you feel low priority because you are low priority.

You may assume these men want the same thing as you, but the reality is, they don't. They want a bachelor lifestyle with the advantages of sex and company and a plus one with a socially acceptable woman etc. thrown in when convenient for them. If you make the effort and are willing and available they'll take advantage of that, at their convenience.

what what they doing on those 2 evenings before their gf/bf came along? Just sat there?

They were with their previous partner. Lots and lots of people live like that - no break/little break or overlap between partners.

This is so interesting. There was a thread the other week where a woman was basically looking for this type of relationship on OLD and was basically told what she wanted was unrealistic, and most posters couldn't get their heads around it at all.
But replies here are suggesting its more than realistic, in fact its quite likely.
Which is encouraging to me because its the only type of relationship I'd be interested in.

I agree. I like to travel as much as possible, see friends and do things that make me happy. My partner is welcome to join if he wants but if he can’t travel as much as me due to work I go alone or with friends instead. Why should anyone stop doing what they love when they’re in a relationship? Damn right my relationship has to fit around the life I want.