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Original poster

Do older men act as single men in a relationship

226 replies

Livelifelaughter · 12/05/2023 17:36

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 12:31

I don't get this. I mean, anybody that age is likely to have an established life, and actually it would be a red flag if they didn't have hobbies, friends, spend time with their adult children etc. Quite normal not to want to live together or get married again as well, and a relationship be about companionship and fun but not to the exclusion of all else. Usually that would also suit the potential partner because they'd be in the same position!

A relationship doesn't need to mean living in each other's pockets. Wouldn't it be worrying if they dropped everything and everyone and spent all their time with you? And also claustrophobic. Needy is a huge turn off. I don't think it means things aren't "going anywhere". Where do they need to "go"? Seeing each other when you are free and not being co-dependent and instead still having a full and healthy life of which a relationship is just one part is a good thing, surely?

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 12:33

Leopardlives · 12/05/2023 21:28

But would it not make you want to see the person more, be drawn to them? To be fair I don’t think the OP was talking about not having other things in life, but about the relationship taking no more priority than any of the other things. Is that likely to happen if someone is in love?

I mean, it should! Prioritising a relationship over family would be awful, and dropping friends or hobbies for one would be unwise!

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 12:37

Thank you! Spot on. It's not about having nothing in life ,(because that would make a person pretty dull) it's about men who want a relationship without having to adjust their existing lives in anyway and yes their independence taking priority.

But surely women who have built an independent life post-divorce and have friends and hobbies and a career and adult children feel exactly the same mostly? I don't think many people at that stage of life want to be enmeshed and spend 24/7 with a partner or cohabit etc etc. It's healthy to be independent.

MissSmiley · 13/05/2023 12:54

I'm loving this thread, I'm 50, I've been single for 6 years post divorce and I still have teenagers living at home, I'm busy, it's difficult to fit a relationship into my life at this stage but what happens when you've been having one of these modern type relationships for twenty years, my neighbour is in his 70s he's been seeing his partner for a long time, decades in fact, they don't live together. She's recently showing signs of not being well, possible dementia, it's early stages, but it'll be interesting to see how this plays out, if she's diagnosed will he step up and care for her or will he retreat to his single life and leave her adult children to take the brunt of it, I don't know how I feel about it and have been trying to put myself in both of their shoes to understand.

Mari9999 · 13/05/2023 13:38

I would think that older men come to you with a full life in place ,whereas younger men are building a life. Older men tend to know what they are looking for having experienced much of what did or did not work for them. Younger men are still learning those things.

I don't think that older men are looking for " best friend partners, or soul mates." Mature older men may look more for a loving companion, a social and financial equal. I don't think that are looking for involvement in extended families , but are not off put if that happens naturally, and they often look for these attributes in a woman younger than themselves

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 13:45

Would we criticise a divorced woman for this lifestyle? I don't think we would. Some women won't mind and will like the space to do their own thing and be able to say in return - going away with Sarah etc.

If you don't like guys with this kind of set up- don't date them- plenty of pipe and slippers guys out there who want to be around you 24/7 , don't have many hobbies/mates and not wanting you doing much either.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 13:48

To add to my post- What many aren't saying though it's often the more attractive guys with income and plenty to offer a woman who come with this set up- hence why some women get annoyed- they want the attractive high earners - don't want the flexibility-/wanderlust that often comes with that status. (Apart from the money of course) if it doesn't involve them

Thesharkradar · 13/05/2023 13:49

You mean will they try to get the benefits of being in a relationship without putting in any effort themselves or bearing any of the cost of the relationship?
Absolutely they will if they can get away with it!

Mari9999 · 13/05/2023 13:56

@Livelifelaughter
OP I think that the real difference may be that older men are often looking for someone to fit into their existence life , and some women of comparable age are looking for someone to become their life in many ways.

Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 14:28

This whole thread is such an eye opener to me and I am really grateful for it. I don’t think when I got divorced I thought I’d be part of a ‘single’ world. I think (having not had a marriage that was at all close) that this would be my chance to find a real loving partner. I was naive I think. I really am so interested in what people are saying. Thanks OP.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 14:39

@Mari9999 I would agree on that

Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 14:43

Also people love differently don’t they. I don’t want a pipe and slippers person but I do want someone who wants to/is able to fall properly in love. Deeply, I suppose

Bluemuf · 13/05/2023 14:48

MissSmiley · 13/05/2023 12:54

I'm loving this thread, I'm 50, I've been single for 6 years post divorce and I still have teenagers living at home, I'm busy, it's difficult to fit a relationship into my life at this stage but what happens when you've been having one of these modern type relationships for twenty years, my neighbour is in his 70s he's been seeing his partner for a long time, decades in fact, they don't live together. She's recently showing signs of not being well, possible dementia, it's early stages, but it'll be interesting to see how this plays out, if she's diagnosed will he step up and care for her or will he retreat to his single life and leave her adult children to take the brunt of it, I don't know how I feel about it and have been trying to put myself in both of their shoes to understand.

It works vice versa too though. I cared for DH for a year before his death. I loved him and I wouldn't have had it any other way at the time, but I'm in no hurry to put myself in that position again.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:15

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/05/2023 12:25

I have a good female friend in her 60s who’s life is very much like this. She’s been single for decades and has built up a fulfilling life with several extremely close friends. I don’t think this is a male issue, rather a long term single person issue. It would be unreasonable to expect them to change their lives overnight after a few dates.

I agree, but I am not sure where the reference to a "few dates" is from? I am talking 6 months plus

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:17

Thesharkradar · 13/05/2023 13:49

You mean will they try to get the benefits of being in a relationship without putting in any effort themselves or bearing any of the cost of the relationship?
Absolutely they will if they can get away with it!

Yes, that's what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:19

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 13:45

Would we criticise a divorced woman for this lifestyle? I don't think we would. Some women won't mind and will like the space to do their own thing and be able to say in return - going away with Sarah etc.

If you don't like guys with this kind of set up- don't date them- plenty of pipe and slippers guys out there who want to be around you 24/7 , don't have many hobbies/mates and not wanting you doing much either.

Why is it all or nothing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:20

Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 14:43

Also people love differently don’t they. I don’t want a pipe and slippers person but I do want someone who wants to/is able to fall properly in love. Deeply, I suppose

Exactly, it doesn't have to be a extreme. I suppose I want someone who makes me feel that I am special to them not one of the many activities that fill a calendar

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 13/05/2023 15:21

Same, exactly @Livelifelaughter — the actual format doesn’t even have to be different, it’s how it is framed between you that makes the difference

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:22

Crikeyalmighty · 13/05/2023 13:48

To add to my post- What many aren't saying though it's often the more attractive guys with income and plenty to offer a woman who come with this set up- hence why some women get annoyed- they want the attractive high earners - don't want the flexibility-/wanderlust that often comes with that status. (Apart from the money of course) if it doesn't involve them

That's true. But I am a high earner and really look after myself so I wouldn't say there's an imbalance.

OP posts:
Effieswig · 13/05/2023 15:22

I think more older women are becoming like this too. I am and I don't see the issue.

I love my life. I have no wish to change to suit a partner. I have a full social life. Most of it is with other women I am friends with and isn't 'couples' events. It wouldn't be appropriate to take a partner. My life also includes lots of work events, again, people don't take partners so I wouldn't take them. I also have older kids that I do alot with.

Dp is also happy with this. We do live together but do alot apart. Suits us both

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:26

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 12:33

I mean, it should! Prioritising a relationship over family would be awful, and dropping friends or hobbies for one would be unwise!

Show quote history

Really? So how do you actually get a family if a relationship never was a priority? I am not talking about elderly parents or children here. I think if you're not able to adjust your life it's because you don't see the relationship as having an importance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:28

Effieswig · 13/05/2023 15:22

I think more older women are becoming like this too. I am and I don't see the issue.

I love my life. I have no wish to change to suit a partner. I have a full social life. Most of it is with other women I am friends with and isn't 'couples' events. It wouldn't be appropriate to take a partner. My life also includes lots of work events, again, people don't take partners so I wouldn't take them. I also have older kids that I do alot with.

Dp is also happy with this. We do live together but do alot apart. Suits us both

That's great if it works for you both. But out of interest, what's the point in having a relationship at all ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 15:30

So for the pp who wouldn't and don't change their life, spend their time with friends etc and doing hobbies predominantly, don't live with a partner (not suggesting you have to) see their partner every now and then (one person said about a month) why bother with a relationship at all ?

OP posts:
Notaposhette · 13/05/2023 15:35

By that age you know what you're looking for, what you don't want etc. Some people are happy to have a casual but monogamous relationship until someone they want to live with pops along though. The good thing for some is that, as a woman, if you don't live together for instance, you're not expected to fit into the stereotypical roles of cooking, housework etc and the romance can still be there. Before anyone has a go about that sentence don't forget that I'm talking about people of an age where it might still be viewed as such by many.
Also if you're used to living on on own, generally doing your own thing, its not easy having to compromise that much again.
Its my ideal tbh.

Catlover100 · 13/05/2023 15:38

I am also fascinated by this thread. I have been single since separating from my exH and am not interested in online dating although I do find it hard at times to not be part of a couple when everyone around me is.
However, I now recognise that I have spent most of my life making decisions based around either men and relationships or around my children.
I have been concerned that getting into another relationship would see me doing that again and so have actively avoided them because I need to try basing life decisions just around me.
But maybe there is another type of relationship I could eventually have with blokes who have also been 'around the block' and 'compartmentalise' their lives. When I am ready I think that would actually suit me.