Page 9 | Do older men act as single men in a relationship

Livelifelaughter · 2023-05-12T16:36:17+00:00

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 14/05/2023 21:11

Yes, I agree although lots of other pp on this post are happy with a more casual set up.

OP posts:

Tellmeifimwrong · 14/05/2023 21:14

I've had 6 years of casual dating, loads of fun, amazing sex, great connections with people, but like @Provenza said, I'm reaching my fill and am starting to want something more substantial. Surprising myself as well because I would have said never again.

Leopardlives · 15/05/2023 10:06

@Tellmeifimwrong It’s only a shame one of those nice halfway things didn’t develop into a proper relationship isn’t it — I hope you find the right thing

TheSnootiestFox · 15/05/2023 15:29

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 14/05/2023 11:30

That was me. And OK, I'll be more graphic although my first post was trying to allude....I divorced the man that probably had sex either me probably dozen times over a 13 year marriage. I want to find someone that can't keep their hands off me and I can make love with whenever I want as long as they are willing. That's the gold standard of a relationship to me but I was trying not to be so crude. Does that clarify?

That sounds miserable and no wonder you want something very different. However, not keeping your hands off someone is generally an easier state of affairs to achieve if the relationship is fun, you see each other when you want, you both have space, and you're not putting up with someone's snoring every day or washing their pants. So I think you need to reframe this because actually the "going to sleep together and waking up together every morning" or worse still living together is probably the biggest passion killer you could put in place.

It can be achieved in a marriage or cohabiting but is far harder, hence why so many marriages fail. People expect one person to fulfil all their needs. It happens for a few but my God, it's so much to ask and so unlikely and also, why put yourself in that situation where your life revolves around just one person? Much healthier to have a life where different needs are fulfilled by different people.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY

I do love it when people try and tell me what I want! Thank you for your guidance but I have no intention of reframing anything. It's not like I'm a middle aged woman that knows what I want or anything, I'll just aim for what you think I should have instead.... 🙄I know plenty of couples who are very physical and close and not all phased by snoring and soiled undergarments. Some of us just like to come home to another human being at the end of the day, I'm one of them and will make no apology for that!

silverfullmoon · 15/05/2023 17:10

going to sleep together and waking up together every morning" or worse still living together is probably the biggest passion killer you could put in place

So, what do you suggest? having sex then leaving at 3am to go back to your own place so you dont accidently share a bed and ruin the "magic"? LOL Sorry but this is crap. Anyone you date will eventually become familiar to you- thats life, and no relationship, even if you live separately, will stay mysterious or exciting forever. Part of being in a relationship is seeing/supporting people when they arent well, stressed, grieving etc and if you avoid all of those things then you're kind of a shit fair weather partner.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 21:32

I do love it when people try and tell me what I want!

🙄🙄🙄

Nobody did.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 21:34

silverfullmoon · 15/05/2023 17:10

going to sleep together and waking up together every morning" or worse still living together is probably the biggest passion killer you could put in place

So, what do you suggest? having sex then leaving at 3am to go back to your own place so you dont accidently share a bed and ruin the "magic"? LOL Sorry but this is crap. Anyone you date will eventually become familiar to you- thats life, and no relationship, even if you live separately, will stay mysterious or exciting forever. Part of being in a relationship is seeing/supporting people when they arent well, stressed, grieving etc and if you avoid all of those things then you're kind of a shit fair weather partner.

Errrr no. Did you actually read what was written before taking half a sentence out of context? The point is not that people should never sleep in the same bed. 🙄 It's that you will have to work mich harder to keep a relationship healthy if you decide to live with someone.

TheSnootiestFox · 15/05/2023 21:48

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 21:32

I do love it when people try and tell me what I want!

🙄🙄🙄

Nobody did.

'So I think you need to reframe this...'
Yes, you did.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 22:22

Suggesting someone reframes something is not "telling them what they want". Considering a situation from a different perspective is a demand to adopt a specific viewpoint once you have done so. Frame of reference is not the same as a conclusion. HTH.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 22:23

*is not!

Too tired for these tiresome kinds of non-conversations.

TheSnootiestFox · 16/05/2023 08:05

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 22:22

Suggesting someone reframes something is not "telling them what they want". Considering a situation from a different perspective is a demand to adopt a specific viewpoint once you have done so. Frame of reference is not the same as a conclusion. HTH.

Are you on glue?! HTH......

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 16/05/2023 09:46

No. 😆🤷🏻‍♀️

Crikeyalmighty · 16/05/2023 10:25

@PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes all you have said makes total sense ,

ChaliceinWonderland · 24/05/2023 04:05

Provenza I Want that too, but it's a dream, fantasy. Men I've dated are happy defined as single. So I life live alone, with my dc, occasional dates which are unfulfilled...

silverfullmoon · 24/05/2023 06:25

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 15/05/2023 21:34

Errrr no. Did you actually read what was written before taking half a sentence out of context? The point is not that people should never sleep in the same bed. 🙄 It's that you will have to work mich harder to keep a relationship healthy if you decide to live with someone.

Show quote history

I completely disagree. Ive slept in the same bed and lived in the same house with my H for 17 years. Over the years we have grown closer and closer and we still fancy each other like crazy. You never truly know someone until you have lived with them. If not living together was the solution to never breaking up then noone who lived apart would ever break up and thats clearly not the case. If you want space thats fine but its simply not correct to state that the only way for relationships to be successful is to live apart.

VanillaSox · 24/05/2023 06:44

Livelifelaughter · 13/05/2023 00:00

Not sure everyone has quite got the gist of my post. Am not suggesting that a man in their 50s should have no life, or no friends and interests and not be independent. But just that my experience is that basically they don't want to make room for a relationship and just try to squish the relationship around everything else going on...so it feels like fairly casual dating.

I know exactly what you mean OP!
Just come out of a relationship with a man like this.
I have a very busy life and lots of friends at do not needy or clingy but Iwant to be the priority and for us to make plans together as well as separately, whereas I always felt loke the fill in between his other activities.
In his case he was very insecure and simultaneously craved commitment but was fearful of it.
Your thread has massively helped me to know that it is not a unique situation.

guineacup · 24/05/2023 07:09

@silverfullmoon

I completely disagree. Ive slept in the same bed and lived in the same house with my H for 17 years. Over the years we have grown closer and closer and we still fancy each other like crazy.

That's amazing, but it seems it's the exception rather than the rule in long term relationships.

jojogoesbust · 24/05/2023 09:31

I see your point OP. I am 49 and recently started dating a man mid 50s who has a life like this. At first i felt like you, but his weekends away are with mixed married couples so as things have progressed, i am invited along to these trips and weekends away. If i wasnt included i dont think i would have carried on with the relationship as i would have felt things were more casual than I would like

BigFatLiar · 24/05/2023 11:50

jojogoesbust · 24/05/2023 09:31

I see your point OP. I am 49 and recently started dating a man mid 50s who has a life like this. At first i felt like you, but his weekends away are with mixed married couples so as things have progressed, i am invited along to these trips and weekends away. If i wasnt included i dont think i would have carried on with the relationship as i would have felt things were more casual than I would like

I think your doing well. You both have your own lives and it takes time for you both to integrate. No doubt you have things important to yourself that you enjoy justvas he does. He's now happy enough to bring you deeper into his life as no doubt you're integrating him into yours. With good fortune a new balance should establish that suits both of you.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 24/05/2023 11:51

VanillaSox · 24/05/2023 06:44

I know exactly what you mean OP!
Just come out of a relationship with a man like this.
I have a very busy life and lots of friends at do not needy or clingy but Iwant to be the priority and for us to make plans together as well as separately, whereas I always felt loke the fill in between his other activities.
In his case he was very insecure and simultaneously craved commitment but was fearful of it.
Your thread has massively helped me to know that it is not a unique situation.

Show quote history

Thank you! I completely get that people don't want to weaken existing friendships but he just wouldn't want to plan ahead for us. To be honest I think he had commitment issues, at the start of our relationship I was the focus midway it all seemed to shift. Your situation sounds similar to mine, he really wanted commitment and intimacy but then would panic. He didn't appreciate that planning a 2 week holiday with his friend or numerous weekend breaks with the same friend was hurtful when he hadn't so much as mentioned a holiday to me.

OP posts:

jojogoesbust · 24/05/2023 11:54

BigFatLiar · 24/05/2023 11:50

I think your doing well. You both have your own lives and it takes time for you both to integrate. No doubt you have things important to yourself that you enjoy justvas he does. He's now happy enough to bring you deeper into his life as no doubt you're integrating him into yours. With good fortune a new balance should establish that suits both of you.

Show quote history

Thank you. I do have children (older) and do have my own life, so things are moving at a comfortable pace for both of us. After 2 years of nightmare OLD, and on the verge of giving up, I may have found a good one 😁

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 24/05/2023 11:58

BigFatLiar · 24/05/2023 11:50

I think your doing well. You both have your own lives and it takes time for you both to integrate. No doubt you have things important to yourself that you enjoy justvas he does. He's now happy enough to bring you deeper into his life as no doubt you're integrating him into yours. With good fortune a new balance should establish that suits both of you.

Show quote history

Good on you, that sounds great. I think the issue I faced is that my ex had either groups of male friends (no issue, nice guys who also invited me and him separately to other things) or his weird friend who is an unmarried priest and used my ex as his plus one and they would go away with another couple a lot, and have dinners and lunches that I wasn't invited to as well.. in the end I convinced myself that I wouldn't really want to be with such a strange group but it did sting not to be included...

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 24/05/2023 11:59

He didn't appreciate that planning a 2 week holiday with his friend or numerous weekend breaks with the same friend was hurtful when he hadn't so much as mentioned a holiday to me.

Did you suggest a holiday or break together? Ask if you could join in his holiday with a friend? (Unless it means spending it in a tent with others)

BigFatLiar · 24/05/2023 12:01

his weird friend who is an unmarried priest and used my ex as his plus one

Wasn't gay was he?

MaxTalk · 24/05/2023 12:14

Most relationships get stale. "Not keeping your hands of each other" for years on end is achievable but very much a minority of relationships I think.

If that's what one wants then fair enough but you need to be prepared to do a lot of work before and after meeting that "special person".