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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner constantly criticises my skin

219 replies

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 17:07

Been with my dp for 8 years & have children together. He’s a very forward person and will just tell me things how it is with no filter at all.

i have struggled with my skin since I was a teen. After having my kids it was terrible but calmed down. However every time I get my period I get hormonal acne all over my chin (usually like big boils) but then it will clear up after (but I can be left with red pigmentation).

dp constantly comments on my skin… literally every single day. His intentions are obviously to ‘help’ me as he wants my skin to get better but he never gives constructive criticism or supportive criticism it’s just constant rude remarks. I’ve now become extremely insecure and ended up trying all different skincare etc and had made my skin worse so I’ve just stopped and it’s clearing up again.

everytime he comments on my skin I end up crying (I’m a very sensitive person) but he just never stops. I don’t know how often he wants to keep repeating the same things to me. There’s nothing I can really do. I tell him it’s normal acne and he says ‘it wasn’t like that before’ which my reply was ‘that’s because I haven’t had a period in 3 months!’. (I have pcos and extremely irregular periods).

he believes it’s just caused from what I eat/ sugar. I’m a size uk 4/6 and go gym throughout the week and yes I like to eat chocolate but I know that’s not what’s causing it.

tmi but I was very h*rny today (doesn’t happen too often due to my hormones) and I was really looking forward to him coming home and maybe trying it on with him. As soon as he came home and sat next to me and just looked at my skin and starts questioning my chin area - he even said ‘I’m just going to be honest even if you cry’. What annoyed me about this is that he has terrible skin himself! He has large scars/pores all over his face, dark pigmentation/scars everywhere including his back. I stooped low enough to try and point his own skin back to him but it just doesn’t bother him at all! He has such a huge ego that he believes he’s gorgeous.

I walked away crying and told him that all he does is make me feel like sh*t and ugly and that he’s the one person that should make me feel pretty but instead ruins my confidence. He responded by telling me I’m emotionally unstable and that it’s my coil causing it. (I have the non normal coil, me being upset about his insults is not caused by the coil!). I told him how when we’re having sex I’m going to feel insecure incase my ‘spots’ turn him off etc.

after that he told me that last statement has bothered him and now turned him off. I don’t understand why?? I was simply pointing out how i wouldn’t feel confident during sex if he keeps picking out my insecurities in my appearance.

im really frustrated and I don’t want to be crying over something so stupid when there are bigger issues in the world. Equally, I just wish my partner made me feel pretty!

OP posts:
Nongatron · 08/05/2023 20:14

I’m so sorry that you’re in a relationship with a man who instead of being concerned and supportive is cruel and intent on destroying you. Please value yourself enough to make plans to get away from him. I had horrific acne for years and my partner never said such horrible things. You are a lovely person and deserve to be happy. As other posters have said he won’t change

Chipswithketchup · 08/05/2023 20:18

@Hmommy24 Having acne is bad enough without a dickhead partner commenting on it all the time. I haven’t read all of the posts so this may have already been mentioned, but if you did want to try something else for your acne (for you, NOT for him) then Spironolactone has done wonders for my PCOS-related cystic chin acne.

Throwncrumbs · 08/05/2023 20:18

I would say’ yes, but my spots clear up , your penis is always going to be small’ that should shut him up… 😂

Liberacesvelvetcoat · 08/05/2023 20:20

he believes he’s ‘helping me’ as my partner by telling me the truth. Yes I appreciate that, but I think there are much better ways to tell me the truth and support me without insulting or making me feel like rubbish…

No he doesn’t. He knows exactly what he is doing and his motivation isn’t to help. If he wanted to help he’d offer to pay for an appointment with a dermatologist and go with you for moral support, or he’d buy you some lovely food (eg mangos are great for skin), or he’d take you out for a meal and compliment you to cheer you up.

He isn’t doing it to help if all he’s doing is insulting you. That’s what you want to believe because you don’t want to accept the reality that he’s a cruel nasty bastard who is doing this on purpose to make you feel like shit because that serves his ego somehow. If his vile words weren’t benefitting him in some way he wouldn’t be saying them.

If you weren’t trying to interpret this as him helping, what would you have to face about him? What are you pushing down about him? What are you sacrificing yourself for so that your image of him can remain intact?

He’s ABUSIVE. Please realise this and leave him. He won’t change and in another 10 years time your self esteem will literally be in the gutter. You deserve better.

Penguinsmum · 08/05/2023 20:28

He is a vile bully. You and your children deserve a lot better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2023 20:28

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 19:46

Thanks for all your replies! Seems you were all right. It’s not just about my skin.

he just offered me some chocolate to which I replied ‘go away’ and he replied with ‘fat bitch’..

im 55kg and yet another thing to play on my mind

Not if you leave.

The only time I ever cry is around him

Think about that.

TheFireflies · 08/05/2023 20:35

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 17:43

When I told him ‘I should be with someone that makes me feel pretty not ugly’ he got mad and told me that I had said ‘I will get with someone else’??? They are very different sentences. I told him he only likes to hear himself and believe what he wants

He’s giving himself away there. What you meant was that he, as your partner, ought to make you feel pretty. His response shows that he openly acknowledges that he won’t ever do that, so that’s why he heard this as if you were talking about someone else.

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/05/2023 20:42

You have two conditions- acne and you live with an ahole.
Acne care: What you have sounds like cystic acne. It doesn't respond to natural methods. It may take medication and long term antibiotics. You may have to change hair products because sometimes residue left on the hair can rub against the face and cause outbreaks.

A
hole care: dump him.

billy1966 · 08/05/2023 20:45

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 19:46

Thanks for all your replies! Seems you were all right. It’s not just about my skin.

he just offered me some chocolate to which I replied ‘go away’ and he replied with ‘fat bitch’..

im 55kg and yet another thing to play on my mind

So abusive.

Tell you GP how abusive he is.

If you have triplets with him you need to involve SS if necessary to protect you and them.

This is a really bad abusive pig.

Your skin is no doubt hugely affected by the terrible stress you are under on a daily basis.

Buildingthefuture · 08/05/2023 21:14

So, he’s got issues with your skin and he thinks you are a fat bitch? He won’t be bothered when you ditch him and throw his rancid arse out then, will he?
He is a sad, insecure little shit, trying to boost his desperate, flagging ego by putting you down. I don’t give a shiny shite if he’s an actual supermodel - inside, he’s rotten and nasty. Get rid op, you know this isn’t on!

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2023 21:22

Hi @Hmommy24 - sorry if it has already been suggested as I haven't had a chance to read whole thread, but on a practical point - have you ever tried a course of tetracycline tablets from the GP?

I was similar still getting hormonal acne well into my thirties and the course of tetracycline was a game changer. It cleared it up and it's not come back. I just wish I'd done it a decade earlier than I did.

Hope it works for you too OP x

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 08/05/2023 21:41

He is a nasty, spiteful, negging cunt.

I hope you get free from his soul-destroying spite soon. Nothing he is doing is out of concern for you, it’s to keep you in your place, with your self-worth in the gutter.

ButterflyOil · 08/05/2023 22:28

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 19:46

Thanks for all your replies! Seems you were all right. It’s not just about my skin.

he just offered me some chocolate to which I replied ‘go away’ and he replied with ‘fat bitch’..

im 55kg and yet another thing to play on my mind

The way you word that makes it sound like it’s a new thing to criticise you for? Do you know if he looks at your mumsnet? Seems an odd coincidence he’s added a new thing to neg you over if this is brand new right after you post cor support.

Honestly he sounds like an arrogant, bullying, nasty piece of work. Do you know what negging is? Because it sounds very much he’s doing that to you. Is he into Andrew Tate and the like at all?

Kdubs1981 · 08/05/2023 22:32

Again, this is not about you, it's about him. He will always find something to criticise you for and control you with and any other woman he is with. Please don't let him erode your self confidence anymore. It's time to end it

Mortenharkettsgirl · 08/05/2023 22:32

My guess is that you are very attractive and he feels insecure about it. He male ego fears that you will leave him eventually and he copes with this by undermining you. He is revolting. I hope you get the courage to leave. It is daunting but take it step by step. Talk to some trusted friends or family. He is irredeemable.

Mortenharkettsgirl · 08/05/2023 22:37

I put on weight after my second. Stbxh called me Mamma June from Honey Boo boo. I never forgot it. Ex is approx 300lbs, so over a quarter tonne.

barmycatmum · 08/05/2023 22:41

He’s Abusing you, full stop.
if you “fixed” your skin, he would start on something else.
he is chipping away at your self esteem to remain in power over you.

please take your life and power back and LEAVE him. How on earth does he deserve to even breathe the same air as you? I don’t care what he writes in cards - he’s treating you in a truly horrible way.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/05/2023 22:44

greenspaces4peace · 08/05/2023 18:02

this is abuse plain and simple.
you are in a toxic abusive relationship.

Agree with green. Leave him and your skin will improve as I bet it gets worse with stress.

He is NOT a good man.

SaulSobieski · 09/05/2023 02:11

This is an abusive relationship.

Your partner is a very odd person indeed.

Also, I did t think anyone with a functioning brain cell would think that constantly causing someone who suffers from any condition stress, distress and upset; would help them with the condition. It would be more likely to exacerbate it.

SaulSobieski · 09/05/2023 02:12

he just offered me some chocolate to which I replied ‘go away’ and he replied with ‘fat bitch’.

It's not to do with your skin; he's an abuser.

Oh and I worry about you being a sz 4/6, that's fkg tiny. Are you natura

SaulSobieski · 09/05/2023 02:14

Sorry, posted accidentally; are you naturally a 4/6 or is he abusing and bullying you on that front too.

I see he's called a sz 4/6 woman a "fat bitch".

SaulSobieski · 09/05/2023 02:18

55kg and something else to worry about?!

Because nasty abuser dickhead called you fat at a sz 4/6.

How tall are you? If his behaviour is affecting your weight/nutrition; he could cause you longer term bone etc issues.

Mmhmmn · 09/05/2023 02:18

I agree with HappyMe, OP. He is getting a lift from it every time he is cruel to you. There’s no fixing people like that and life is too short to stick around being dumped on. Bin him. And take care of you.

FurAndFeathers · 09/05/2023 02:28

Hmommy24 · 08/05/2023 17:29

I used to think that he was picking on my flaws because of his own insecurities, but honestly he actually isn’t. He really isn’t bothered if I were to criticise his own skin back.

I would agree to say ‘he knows he’s not gods gift’ but the annoying part of it is that he’s quite a great looking guy with an amazing physique and women literally throw themselves at him everyday. So he knows he’s good looking, what does my opinions matter when there are 100 other women that think he’s extremely attractive?

he believes he’s ‘helping me’ as my partner by telling me the truth. Yes I appreciate that, but I think there are much better ways to tell me the truth and support me without insulting or making me feel like rubbish…

No he’s emotionally abusing you

he’s not helping you, in what way is making you upset and insecure a ‘helpful’ strategy?

he’s an abusive man who is using your medical conditions as an excuse to abuse you

mischlerischler · 09/05/2023 02:35

Horrible man.

He is bullying you. If it wasn't your skin, he will pick something else to be mean about. Some people enjoy making others feel small. If I were you, I would be seriously reconsidering your relationship.

No one should make you feel like this, especially not your partner.