Partner constantly criticises my skin

[Hmommy24]

Been with my dp for 8 years & have children together. He’s a very forward person and will just tell me things how it is with no filter at all.

i have struggled with my skin since I was a teen. After having my kids it was terrible but calmed down. However every time I get my period I get hormonal acne all over my chin (usually like big boils) but then it will clear up after (but I can be left with red pigmentation).

dp constantly comments on my skin… literally every single day. His intentions are obviously to ‘help’ me as he wants my skin to get better but he never gives constructive criticism or supportive criticism it’s just constant rude remarks. I’ve now become extremely insecure and ended up trying all different skincare etc and had made my skin worse so I’ve just stopped and it’s clearing up again.

everytime he comments on my skin I end up crying (I’m a very sensitive person) but he just never stops. I don’t know how often he wants to keep repeating the same things to me. There’s nothing I can really do. I tell him it’s normal acne and he says ‘it wasn’t like that before’ which my reply was ‘that’s because I haven’t had a period in 3 months!’. (I have pcos and extremely irregular periods).

he believes it’s just caused from what I eat/ sugar. I’m a size uk 4/6 and go gym throughout the week and yes I like to eat chocolate but I know that’s not what’s causing it.

tmi but I was very h*rny today (doesn’t happen too often due to my hormones) and I was really looking forward to him coming home and maybe trying it on with him. As soon as he came home and sat next to me and just looked at my skin and starts questioning my chin area - he even said ‘I’m just going to be honest even if you cry’. What annoyed me about this is that he has terrible skin himself! He has large scars/pores all over his face, dark pigmentation/scars everywhere including his back. I stooped low enough to try and point his own skin back to him but it just doesn’t bother him at all! He has such a huge ego that he believes he’s gorgeous.

I walked away crying and told him that all he does is make me feel like sh*t and ugly and that he’s the one person that should make me feel pretty but instead ruins my confidence. He responded by telling me I’m emotionally unstable and that it’s my coil causing it. (I have the non normal coil, me being upset about his insults is not caused by the coil!). I told him how when we’re having sex I’m going to feel insecure incase my ‘spots’ turn him off etc.

after that he told me that last statement has bothered him and now turned him off. I don’t understand why?? I was simply pointing out how i wouldn’t feel confident during sex if he keeps picking out my insecurities in my appearance.

im really frustrated and I don’t want to be crying over something so stupid when there are bigger issues in the world. Equally, I just wish my partner made me feel pretty!

I was married to someone who EVERYDAY said I should lose weight. I was 11 stone and 6 feet tall.
Married no more.
Get rid.

I had a rare reaction to Dianette but most people don't have that. It's worth trying different treatments with your doctor.

Mine was worse when I was on a certain medication but it's not one most people would be on. When I came off it it went back to just having the occasional spot now and again.

In shock that you waste time on this man. Please stop. If my partner said anything about skin, which isn’t great, he’d firstly get it back about all of his imperfections and secondly be handed a roll of bin bags for all his shit he can start to pack up.

Sounds as if your skin is normal - it flares up with hormones occasionally. It is real -warm and living. It isn't flawless like a retouched photo.

He though does not sound like a normal loving partner. Bullying you about the thing you are sensitive about makes him ugly to the bone(whatever he looks like).

In what possible way could staring at spots or commenting on them be of any use to you at all? He just likes to hurt you.

I am sure that ,if you wanted to, you could puncture him in a way that would hurt him. Skin doesn't bother him but there will be something he doesn't like you to pick on... it is just that you are a valuable loving partner and wouldn't even look for such a weapon.

You absolutely don’t deserve this. Your worst bully probably wouldn’t be this horrible and it’s your husband. Honestly, please find the strength to leave ❤️

You should absolutely leave your horrible husband. As other posters have said, he's a bully and enjoying belittling you. If you talk to him seriously about it and he still keeps doing it, just leave.

Hopefully you don't mind me offering skin advice (you may have heard it all before) but I have bad skin and every morning before I shower I put either acnecide 5% benzoyl peroxide OR the ordinary 2% salicylic acid clay masque on my face, leave for 5 mins, then wash them off in the shower.

This routine is fairly gentle and has completely cleared my skin - I never tried accutane but I tried all the aggressive medicated creams from GP in the past and they were all too harsh for my sensitive skin and didn't clear my acne up. In fact some of them caused major flares. Acnecide and the oridnary mask you can get over the counter, so I would highly recommend them if you're looking for something gentle to clear your skin.

this is abuse plain and simple.
you are in a toxic abusive relationship.

^ ‘I’m just going to be honest even if you cry’.^

@Hmommy24 This is evil, and him then claiming you're bonkers is abuse too as it's designed to make you doubt what you're seeing is happening, and feel badly about yourself, lose confidence etc.

He's not even a husband so please bin him.x

This has broken my heart a little OP.
I suffer with hormonal ache, just like yours, and it's soul destroying. No amount of creams etc are going to help.
Im gobsmacked that your P says these things to you.
I can get very very depressed about my skin sometimes, but my partner goes out of her way to tell me how beautiful I am (same sex relationship)
Please get rid of him, he sounds vile.

No he does not believe he’s helping you. He’s enjoying bullying you and making you cry. He’s not helping in the slightest. He’s a horrible, horrible person.

This man sounds vile, I hope he goes bald and you can 'help' him by pointing out something he has no control over. Always assuming you stay with him of course, which I don't think you should.

It’s bullying and it’s cruel.
He knows your insecurities and he’s using them to belittle you.

i think you’re probably very beautiful (slim and toned etc) and it makes him insecure.

one of my friends struggles dreadfully with her skin and has done for years and she is more aware of it than me, because I’m not looking at her to criticise her skin, I f I comment it’s because there’s been an improvement and she’s always happy I notice.

Hes an arse.

Someone recommended Tretinoin on here for wrinkles etc and I use that, supposedly it's officially for acne.

Yours is probably PCOS- related, but work with your doctors and they might well hit on something to help your skin.

This 'partner' isn't worth having anything to do with, though.

Those nice things he's saying - they are part of the cycle of abuse that are designed to stop you from realising that he is abusing you.

I agree with a PP, he's probably 'punching' and batting out of his league.

You are conventionally attractive so he messes with your head as he thinks it might stop you dumping him and finding someone better.

I hope he's wrong about that though. x

He's a complete dick, you know he's doing this to bring you down.

As an aside, the next time you get those bad spots, cut a garlic clove up and rub the juice over the spots before bed. This will dry them out overnight.

Kick him to the kerb. What an insensitive prick.

Thank you all for your replies!

I have decided I will give the gp a call in the morning to get the ball rolling. Honestly my skin bothers me anyway.

im slightly worried about going on any medication. I used isotretinoin as a teen which was incredible but went through months of extremely dry skin to the point my lips were raw!

I have also been using topical tretinoin for 1 year now. (Sorry I forgot to mention that I got it prescribed from an online dermatologist). I know it’s supposed to be amazing but it hasn’t done anything for me at all. Then a few weeks ago I started trying different things (like vitamin c and salicylic acid) and me skin ended up flaking off and cracking. So for the past few weeks I’ve just been washing and moisturising and it’s back to normal now (apart from some spots on my chin).

I remember after I had my triplets I had extremely bad acne (purely hormonal as you can imagine!) but they were huge boils all over my chin and behind my ears. I was prescribed duac but it didn’t help (eventually settled down by itself).

if anyone else has any recommendations I’d be very greatful!

And that is the crux of it. He does this to make you feel lucky to have him, and to make you believe that no one else would have you. He's actually terrified of you leaving him and as he's so emotionally stunted, the only way he can keep you is by keeping you down.

He's nasty and emotionally abusive. He has to be nice to you sometimes, otherwise he can't keep you dangling for the crumbs of niceness he does give. Life is far too short for you to continue to put up with his shit and his issues. Do yourself the biggest favour and chuck him in the sea.

Oh god, you have kids with this dickhead? What kind of example is he setting for them? He’s a nasty piece of work. Who goes out of their way to make the person they love and the parent of their children cry every day? A complete wanker is who. I’m sorry OP but I feel so upset on your behalf because your self esteem is clearly on the floor because most people would have told him to stop making unkind comments or to fuck off out of the relationship.

You deserve way more.

Do you really want your children to grow up thinking that this is the way relationships should be? Please leave him and find someone who doesn't think you have to 'fix' yourself.
Let women throw themselves at him, he'll not be successful in any relationship if he continues to treat women like this.
What will he say to his children when they have outbreaks as teens? Will he tell them their skin is disgusting? Do you think that's ok? Protect them and leave.

I have decided I will give the gp a call in the morning to get the ball rolling.

Make sure you mention how often your partner 'helps' you and how.

Honestly my skin bothers me anyway

Which is exactly why he uses it to make you feel the way he does.

It's hard to see when you're in the relationship. Hopefully talking to your GP and listening to what people are saying here will help you see things more clearly.

I had cystic acne, similar to yours. I was also the same clothing size, went to the gym several times a week and ate the occasional piece of chocolate. It was a huge shock as I had navigated puberty without a single blemish. However, by my late 20s, my skin was terrible - huge pustules that never came to a head and were painful, all on my chin, sometimes my jawline. It continued into my 30s. I was incredibly self-conscious about. My boyfriend at the time was similar to yours, he was high critical of my skin under the guise of trying to help. I was quite anxious as a result of worrying all the time about how he might put me down next.

We broke up and he went to live overseas. It was a clean break, so we didn't stay in touch. Within a few months, my skin cleared up completely. It's stay this way ever since. Am convinced I was allergic to him, well, the stress that he caused me.

Back to you OP, you need to tell your partner to shut-up, he's not being helpful or supportive. Men often confuse being supportive with giving unwanted advice about how to fix something. Your skin is not something he needs to get involved with. Go see a doctor. Keep a diary too and record when it's particularly bad as it is probably linked to your hormones and PCOS.

PS.

Oil cleansing really helped me. As much as I am not a fan of Caroline Hirons, her cheat sheet for acne was a huge help.

This.

You are living with a highly abusive prick who is using your skin to terrorise and bully you.

Tell the GP exactly what he is saying on a DAILY basis.

Contact Women's aid and ask for support.

You have triplets?

You do not want your children witnessing your being bullied and emotionally abused.

What a truly awful man.

This is very very deliberate.