Husband says I raped him

[CompletelyUndone]

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed.

Things have been hard in my marriage. Before we were married our sex life deteriorated because past sexual trauma got in the way. I had counselling for this and by the time we were married things were better. 4 months after we were married I fell pregnant with our DS. I thought husband was happy about this.

5 years on and after a terrible few months my husband has told me that because we had sex when he was half asleep that I raped him to get pregnant. Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long. I feel so awful. He's so angry all the time. I can't really get my head around this because having endured raped and sexual assault myself then idea that I've inflicted pain on someone else in this way is abhorrent. As far as I can remember, my initiating sex involved me snuggling up to him, I didn't grab him genitals or anything. If he actively responded to me then I assumed that he was enjoying it as much as me. Sometimes I did come to bed later than him, but I'm pretty sure he was always awake whilsy sex was ongoing. Is this really me molesting him? I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past. Any advice mumsnetters?

He is enjoying gaslighting I agree.

Run and don't look back.

You didn't rape him. You didn't sexually assault him

He even says he consented because he was so sex starved.

He's an abusive man, who's using your past trauma to manipulate you.

Dear Mister Policeman, yes I just wanted to report that , let's see about FIVE years ago my DW, with her vagina raped me , a man with a (micro) penis which resulted in the birth of our beloved DC , who is the product of rape, that I nonetheless accepted paternity for by adding my name to the birth certificate. Yes this was a horribly traumatic event for me, a man, (the entire police station is howling with laughter at this pathetic idiot); poor pitiful little victim me, by a former female rape victim herself! This is why I am hurriedly reporting it 5 years after the fact, you see?

Please dear lady , leave this deranged man as soon as possible! You can never know what an individual with such a warped mind could be thinking up next.

Sooooooo
Now he's saying that he didn't "label" what happened.
Question for mumsnetters: If someone is saying that sexual activity made them feel 'dirty' and 'used' and using the word 'molestation' then surely they are implying sexual assault?
Getting my ducks in a row because I don't think there has ever been such a mumsnet consensus over a post I've put up before. Thank you all.

Well yeah, I'd say so, he's certainly implying if not outright saying it was non consensual.

Moved onto gas lighting you hasn't he?

The word "molest" means sexual assault; nothing else. But you don't have to prove that to him, or show him that he's wrong. You could show him the dictionary entry and he'd either decide he never said that and your memory is poor, or claim he didn't know what it meant, oops.

Nothing you say is going to make him decide that actually you are right, or you are a nice person. He doesn't want to believe that. Let him think whatever stupid thoughts are in his head. The more time and energy you spend pointlessly banging your head against that wall, the less time and energy you will have to think about how to sort your life out in your own best interest and the best interest of your son.

Men like this get you to defend yourself, so that you are thinking about that, instead of thinking about their bad character/affair/mistakes etc. It's the equivalent of him shouting "What's that behind you?" then punching you when you turn round.

Oh that analogy really is perfect. That is exactly it!
Can just see the look on his sister's face when I tell her why we're getting divorced. He's really good at putting on a charming act and to the casual observer seems like the most modern man ever, but I suspect there is a deep vein of misogyny underneath. He's done me a favour really as I've doubted myself so much.
It's ironic really because I would have always said that I'd never fall for crap like this, but my frog has been well and truly boiled over the years.

@80s nailed it

Fellow boiled frog here!

Hope you can get away from him.

What a horrid thing for him to have said to you, with the experiences you've had.

Hi -i was just wondering how you are doing now-i am going through similar but my ex has told poilce and the court i raped him. Until i saw your post i havent ever heard of any one else making up such evil ness other than my ex and father to my two children. Hope youre ok.

Exactly!!!!!

I agree. He sounds like a manipulative calculating quite frightening individual. Is he saying he regrets his child? I hope I am wrong but could he be having an affair and be paving the way to not pay maintenance based on this version of events?

Hello, I'm doing OK now. We separated last Spring and he moved out 3 months later. It's allowed me to breathe again. I have a lot more clarity now and can see that it was a DARVO kind of thing. It looks to me as if my Stbxh has some deep seated beliefs over ownership of your partner and obviously saw regular intimacy as his god given right. When, for several reasons I'm not going to go into here, this wasn't possible for a while, he become very abusive and coercive in this area. I did eventually have counselling that made me see his behaviour for what it was, and after I sent him a graphic I'd seen online showing all of these abusive behaviours he got very angry, probably because he recognised how vile he'd been. The accusation was a way to wound me and a solve himself of responsibility for his family. Sick really isn't it?
Sorry for the huge splurge, it's been a while since I'd thought of the hell my life was back then. I hope you are OK, it truly is a horrendous thing to be accused of. If it helps, I spoke to a police officer about it, and she confirmed it was categorically not a rape situation. If you want to talk, please do pm me.
Thank you for thinking of me and messaging 💐

Quite possibly he was. He's been gone 9 months now, and has paid very little maintenance. He hasn't worked at all for the past year. And he's moved too far away to see his child more than a couple of times a month.
But I feel so so free now.

The definition of rape involves a penis. So it's neither biologically, factually or legally possible that you 'raped' him. He could claim sexual assault. Which from what you've said would be unjustified.

I personally would be leaving the building permanently if I were you. He clearly doesn't love you or even like you if he'd either think or say you did that.

I'm not saying women don't assault men, (I'm sure it does happen sometimes) but it's certainly not seeming to be the case here.

He sounds like a manipulative arsehole.

I just wanted to say that this particular post was the one that gave me a big boot up the backside and started the whole process of getting free of him. Thank you thank you thank you ❤️💐💐