Husband says I raped him

[CompletelyUndone]

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed.

Things have been hard in my marriage. Before we were married our sex life deteriorated because past sexual trauma got in the way. I had counselling for this and by the time we were married things were better. 4 months after we were married I fell pregnant with our DS. I thought husband was happy about this.

5 years on and after a terrible few months my husband has told me that because we had sex when he was half asleep that I raped him to get pregnant. Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long. I feel so awful. He's so angry all the time. I can't really get my head around this because having endured raped and sexual assault myself then idea that I've inflicted pain on someone else in this way is abhorrent. As far as I can remember, my initiating sex involved me snuggling up to him, I didn't grab him genitals or anything. If he actively responded to me then I assumed that he was enjoying it as much as me. Sometimes I did come to bed later than him, but I'm pretty sure he was always awake whilsy sex was ongoing. Is this really me molesting him? I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past. Any advice mumsnetters?

This is absolutely twisted and vile.

I'm so sorry, you've done nothing wrong. Look after yourself, he certainly isn't.

It's served me well

Am having a little weep. It's been so long since anyone was kind to me.
Am wondering if he will be making a police report. He told me the other day that his friend who is splitting up with his long term partner has been to the police station to report her for smashing up his xbox during a row. Apparently it showed how abusive and hysterical she'd been. Almost wish he would because unless someone in authority tells him how out of order he's being, he'll continue to inflict his anger on me.

Well first of all, a woman can’t raie a man because rape= inserting a penis and You don’t have one. So at worse it would be sexual assault .

Second as others posters have said, you’d have to made him erect by stimulating his genitals and then climb on the top of him.
If he was actively participating, he was consenting and it wasn’t sexual assault.

Your so called DH is using your past to attack and emotionally abuse you.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

But you’d be much happier Wo him around you.

Sweetheart this is not how it’s supposed to be. You were supposed to have a partner who had your back and was kind to you. If you’re finding strangers being kinder to you than the man who is supposed to protect you, then you get out. Let go of his crazy accusations, stop thinking about the ridiculous allegations he’s making, focus on getting you and your little boy out of there and away from his toxicity.

Have you got irl support? Can you get to a lawyer asap?

Provided you didn't climb on top of him while he was asleep, he's talking bollocks and I suspect he's trying to gaslight you. He sounds toxic.

Ask him to report it then.
This is disgusting to read, he sounds horribly abusive op. He is vile. Leave him and quite frankly if he wants nothing to do with dc even better.

Your so called DH is using your past to attack and emotionally abuse you.

This. You're living with a vile and dangerous individual, OP. Get away from him.

Please get away from this awful person. Contact Women's Aid and get a plan in place

You did not rape him. This is not your fault, he is abusive.

How is he with your son? It sounds like he might be regretting becoming a parent and trying to absolve himself of all responsibility and play the victim. And/or having an affair and this is a sick attempt of rewriting history so he can blame you.
How is his behaviour in general recently? Is there any other patterns of gaslighting or other abusive behaviour?

What a toxic, offensive little creep he is. I’m so sorry OP, he’s larping at being a rape victim, which makes me sick to my stomach

Almost wish he would because unless someone in authority tells him how out of order he's being, he'll continue to inflict his anger on me.

You dint need the Police or whoever else to tell him off.

You can leave this abusive marriage.
You can leave and let him find someone else to be his emotional punching bag. (Or better for him to go to therapy but I doubt it will happen).
You can separate and never have him in your house ever again.
You can put boundaries around you to reduce any contact with him to a bare minimum.

You don’t need someone else to do all that.

I know you are all talking so much sense. I have to go out, but I will check back on here later. I really really am so grateful to you all.

It sounds like he has been gaslighting you for a long time. This isn't what a relationship is supposed to be, you shouldn't have to feel grateful for strangers on the internet being kink, you should have this from your husband.

I'd say yes, if you feel you've been raped you should report it. Then see what the police think about his story.
Honestly can you imagine - "I was half asleep, she got into bed and cuddled me and because she'd deprived me of sex for so long I had to respond enthusiastically to the cuddle and had sex with her"

He will sound like an absolute knob.

Try to disengage from his nonsense. Oh, and never have sex with him again, because clearly you can't be sure if he's consenting

Divorce him and let the world know why. He is a vile pathetic excuse for a man. Let him run to the other woman that he has waiting in the wings x

Well, I know this sounds harsh but rape can only be legally committed by a penis. So no, you didn't rape him.

OP, he's gaslighting you. You didn't "rape" him, and him knowing full well that you yourself have been through sexual trauma is absoultely evil and vile of him. He's doing this on purpose and he knows full well he wasn't "raped". He's looking for an out.

His logic makes no sense.

Saying he only wanted to have sex because you "deprived" him is admitting he did want to have sex.

Also, any man who accuses his partner of "depriving" him of sex is an entitled, abusive, misogynistic prick who needs to be got rid off.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You deserve so much better.

Well unless you have a penis you cannot actually rape him.

He sounds vile. Try to get out of this relationship. Good luck.

I was always led to believe that a woman cannot rape a man? The definition of rape is penis in vagina whereas for a woman, they would be charged with sexual assault?

That aside, your Husband sounds absolutely vile and you appear to be in an abusive relationship but make no mistake, it's your Husband that is abusive.

My advice? I'd be looking at ending the relationship. Who knows what he is capable of in the future if he is prepared to make claims like this?

He is absolutely disgusting and abusive to make you feel like this. To falsely accuse you of doing something you had done to you in the past, and to mess with your mind to make you feel like the one at fault. It doesn’t get much lower than this. You need to get away from him OP before he does any more emotional and mental damage to you. I’m so sorry you are going through this

This

Does he understand the definition of rape.

But really there's no coming back from that. You can't continue in a relationship with someone who thinks they've been raped by the other.

He needs to move out.

I’d love to be a fly on the wall if he went to the police.
rape is unwanted penetration by penis.