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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says I raped him

118 replies

CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:10

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed.

Things have been hard in my marriage. Before we were married our sex life deteriorated because past sexual trauma got in the way. I had counselling for this and by the time we were married things were better. 4 months after we were married I fell pregnant with our DS. I thought husband was happy about this.

5 years on and after a terrible few months my husband has told me that because we had sex when he was half asleep that I raped him to get pregnant. Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long. I feel so awful. He's so angry all the time. I can't really get my head around this because having endured raped and sexual assault myself then idea that I've inflicted pain on someone else in this way is abhorrent. As far as I can remember, my initiating sex involved me snuggling up to him, I didn't grab him genitals or anything. If he actively responded to me then I assumed that he was enjoying it as much as me. Sometimes I did come to bed later than him, but I'm pretty sure he was always awake whilsy sex was ongoing. Is this really me molesting him? I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past. Any advice mumsnetters?

OP posts:
CC222 · 08/05/2023 11:04

I'm so sorry you're going through this abuse. You've got to take action asap. This is such severe manipulation and abuse. I wouldn't put it past him to try do anything possible to sabotage things for you moving forward when you do try to leave.
It's important to share your escape plan with trusted family/friends so they are aware of the situation.
Speak to Women's Aid, they can help you figure out what to do now and they can help you learn and understand all the ways he has abused you, so if you need to make a police report yourself, you'll be able to document it all. On this note, start recording any abuse that happens from today onwards (if you decide to leave and let him know of your plans, it's very highly likely that an abusive person will step up their abuse at this stage.)
Honestly, it's best to be prepared for absolutely anything from this man, he has already shown you he can stoop to levels you probably never thought possible.
Whats important is that you and your child have a safe home environment, and right now you don't. How could you ever trust him again? It would be impossible.
I wish you all the best. I know this must all be so overwhelming right now knowing that things are at a point of no return, but you'll get through this. Your child will be your strength ♥️

sweetgingercat · 08/05/2023 11:13

Almost wish he would because unless someone in authority tells him how out of order he's being, he'll continue to inflict his anger on me.

OP, he can only continue to inflict his anger on you if you let him. As everyone here says, his accusations mean the end of your marriage. You must ask yourself, Why is he doing this? What will he gain from it? What if he takes it further? Makes an allegation to the police? What if he uses it to say you are violent and cannot be trusted around your child?

if you don’t do anything about it, don’t refute it in the strongest terms on record, with a solicitor or your doctor (great idea) then it will seem like you accept his version of events.

This man is dangerous or stupid or both, but you are not. You are precious and worth fighting for. Good luck OP

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 11:14

Twiglets1 · 08/05/2023 10:25

It would legally be classified as sexual assault not rape but the exact wording is immaterial really as it was clearly neither.

I fully agree that it was neither.

I think it’s essential to clarify it wasn’t rape and couldn’t be rape because if the OP’s past experience.
He chose the word rape in purpose because it is triggering word for the OP.

The more the OP can separate her experience from whatever her ‘DH’ wants to accuse her off, the better.

Twiglets1 · 08/05/2023 11:18

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 11:14

I fully agree that it was neither.

I think it’s essential to clarify it wasn’t rape and couldn’t be rape because if the OP’s past experience.
He chose the word rape in purpose because it is triggering word for the OP.

The more the OP can separate her experience from whatever her ‘DH’ wants to accuse her off, the better.

Show quote history

I take your point.

unsync · 08/05/2023 11:43

He needs to go. Please seek support. Women's Aid were very helpful to me in understanding the abuse my ex had put me through. It was eye opening and shocking that I had minimised alot of his behaviours.

PurpleReindeer2 · 08/05/2023 12:05

So sorry to read that he treats you so badly. You really deserve a new start away from this abusive man where you can be happy and thrive with your son. Please look for support in real life. Contact women's aid and google the freedom programme. Make a plan, get out and don't ever look back. The future is so much better without him. Best wishes xxx

Bunnywabbity · 08/05/2023 12:13

So according to him, you sexually assaulted him to steal his sperm, but he consented to sex because you deprived him of sex - both of these things can't be true. What a nasty bastard.

Choconut · 08/05/2023 12:35

Tell him to fuck off and that it wasn't rape because you didn't stick a penis in him and it wasn't sexual assault because he was enthusiastically involved. Honestly this sort of bully absolutely needs standing up to and setting straight that their BS won't wash. He sounds like a narcissistic arsehole, you need to get very far away from him.

Callyem · 08/05/2023 12:42

SunsetBeauregarde · 08/05/2023 10:04

I really wish there was some kind of ear tagging system in place for men like this. Like a little red flag we could permanently fix to their ear so the next woman knows to avoid him.

Im talking about the next woman OP because she’s not you. You’re done now, you did your shift wearing the rose tinted glasses and this most recent incident of pure dumbfuckery has finally knocked them off for you. He’s made a massive error here, he’s totally misjudged your deference to him and given you the greatest gift ever as a result: you can see him clearly for probably the first time.

Happy freedom day OP, there’s a few months of pain ahead as you set yourself up in your new life, but it’s short term pain for a lifetime thanking your current self for being brave and taking your life back.

Time for the mumsnet army to come and carry you through it on their shoulders I think. Post regularly, ask everything you need to ask from women who have been here before and do not take a single ounce more of this man’s bollocks. We’ve got you, you can do this and you absolutely will. I’m so excited for you Flowers

Spot on x

SpringIntoChaos · 08/05/2023 12:45

Do you have an actual penis OP? NO! Therefore you have most definitely NOT raped your husband! He's a gaslighting fuckwit who has no idea what he's talking about! Show him the actual definition of 'rape' then send him packing! What a piece of shit he is!

Sorry you're going through this OP, I hope you have support in real life xx

retinolalcohol · 08/05/2023 13:19

He's said this to intentionally trigger you, knowing your history. There's absolutely no way he genuinely believes he has been raped. He has said this to hurt you - badly.

It is emotional warfare and the work of a truly nasty, warped individual. It's who he is at his core and won't change. You need to get rid

Whadda · 08/05/2023 13:20

ging system in place for men like this. Like a little red flag we could permanently fix to their ear so the next woman knows to avoid him.

The next woman is unlikely to disbelieve him. Poor ickle guy was forced to impregnate his awful wife and was stuck in a terrible relationship until he drummer up the courage to threaten her with the police.

Sadly, there’s no shortage of women to take broken men and try to fix them.

pompypomppomp · 08/05/2023 13:22

AtomicBlondeRose · 08/05/2023 09:11

This sounds like a typical DARVO situation where an abuser accuses someone else of abuse. I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel like aspects of your sex life with him have been abusive on his part.

Yes, you're being gaslighted.

sevenbyseven · 08/05/2023 13:30

A woman cannot rape a man. And from your description it's clear you didn't coerce him into sex either. It's a horrible accusation, especially given your past trauma.

Goodread1 · 08/05/2023 13:36

He has really done a number on you hasn't he,

He sounds like a real head 😳 fuck,

He is essentially using your emotional/psychological trauma from your sexual Assult of rape,
as a way of manipulation into getting you to Consirder how he feels, about his point of view,

He is very twisted warped sick minded individual,
He is playing, very sick mind game with you, !

There is no hope 😕 with trying to get someone like this to change, to reconsider the way of thinking and behaviour is No good. !

This is very deeply embedded entrenched way of thinking 🤔,

I wouldn't be susprised if he treated his past ex partners like this too.

Find a way to leave him for good, @CompletelyUndone

And get therapy or various kinds of Therapies to help address issues with sexual Assult , and whatever else you are struggling with too,

I don't just mean counselling therapy, there are other various kinds of Therapies too.

SmugglersHaunt · 08/05/2023 13:38

Legally you can’t rape him as you don’t have a penis. He sounds ridiculous

Riceball · 08/05/2023 13:45

You can’t rape unless you have a penis. Don’t waste your time trying to explain to him OP. He’s enjoying gaslighting you too much. Eyes on the prize and get rid of himFlowers

JustMyOnion · 08/05/2023 14:46

Sex that isn't consensual is rape

SoupDragon · 08/05/2023 14:58

JustMyOnion · 08/05/2023 14:46

Sex that isn't consensual is rape

Only if it's done with a penis.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2023 15:06

JustMyOnion · 08/05/2023 14:46

Sex that isn't consensual is rape

Incorrect. There is a specific legal definition of rape.

Kyokyo · 08/05/2023 15:16

Naunet · 08/05/2023 10:37

Learn the law before you call others ignorant.

Show quote history

Rape can be defined as intercourse without consent, regardless of the gender of the victim and not just classed as ''penetration" in other countries. And women have been convicted of rape. Perhaps my comment was extra ignorant given the geographical demographic of mumsnet is primarily UK based.

I guess this is not really relevant to OPs post given that she feels that her husband reciprocated at the time.

QueenBitch666 · 08/05/2023 16:05

He's unhinged. Extricate yourself and your child safely Flowers

EarthSight · 08/05/2023 18:05

CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:33

Am having a little weep. It's been so long since anyone was kind to me.
Am wondering if he will be making a police report. He told me the other day that his friend who is splitting up with his long term partner has been to the police station to report her for smashing up his xbox during a row. Apparently it showed how abusive and hysterical she'd been. Almost wish he would because unless someone in authority tells him how out of order he's being, he'll continue to inflict his anger on me.

If he does, and tells them what you have said here, I do wonder if they'll start looking at you as a potential victim and not him, so this could really blow up in his face.

XBealtaine · 08/05/2023 18:21

You poor thing. DARVO

leave him and hope that as you are supposedly so awful he will let you go. Stay strong x

SaulSobieski · 08/05/2023 18:23

Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long.

Those two statements seem contradictory.

I think your charming h wants out and is trumping up this nonsense.